good to know solutions Learning from Losing By Julianna Steen I t’s never fun to lose, whether it’s a basketball game, a dance competition, or simply a round of Uno. Nevertheless, no matter how hard you try, losing is inevitable (unfortunately). There are, however, important lessons that we can benefit from learning as a byproduct of losing. While every good parent wants their child to succeed, sometimes the best thing you can do is let them lose and walk them through how to handle it in a healthy way. Here are some of the essential lessons your kids can take away from losing a sporting competition—or from not making the team in the first place.
work through their emotions. If they can figure out what it means to grieve well and process their sadness and anger in a healthy, safe way, they’ll be light-years ahead of their peers in their emotional maturity. RESILIENCE AND GRIT It’s okay to fall short—as long as you get back up. As author Gus Raz puts it, “Your failures make your successes so much more meaningful.” Show your kids how they can use their losses—or in other words, their “failures”—as motivation to keep pushing. [Insert the classic failure-to-success stories of Michael Jordan, Walt Disney, Thomas Edison, and so on who didn’t let their failures stop them… You get the picture.] Life includes setbacks. Learning to bounce back builds mental strength and persistence. Sometimes losing is the very motivation a kid needs to dig in and work harder to prove to themselves and others they can do it. EFFORT OVER OUTCOME Growing up, my dad would always tell us, “Do your best and trust God with the rest.” The key is to do what you can do, then recognize it’s out of your hands. Trying your best matters more than winning. Johann Hari, in his book Stolen Focus, devotes an entire section to studies that reveal how intrinsic, internal motives are far more successful than extrinsic motives, whether it pertains to running, education, or building a boat. Intrinsic motivation happens “[when] you are doing something because it’s meaningful to you,” whereas when your motives are extrinsic, “you’re doing it because you are forced to.” It’s easy for kids to focus on the external rewards associated with winning—even if it’s just bragging rights. If you can help them see that putting in the effort and working hard is worth it because they tried and that they should be proud of themselves, that’s a win in and
of itself.
HOW TO BE A GOOD SPORT Congratulating others is certainly not the most fun or easy thing to do after losing, especially if the winner is a braggart. Handling loss with grace shows maturity, though, and it’s a very necessary skill to develop at an early age. Being on the losing side can help your kids to become kinder and more empathic the next time they win. Plus, it is an awesome opportunity for them to come together as a team and learn to support each other, win or lose. And a little humility won’t hurt them either.
YOUR WORTH IS NOT IN WINNING Your identity is not found in your
SELF-EVALUATE WHERE YOU CAN IMPROVE
achievements, your performance, or your perfection. It’s okay for your kid to learn that they’re going to fail sometimes in life, even when they try their best and want it badly. Brené Brown, a shame and vulnerability researcher, shares that “Daring is not saying, ‘I’m willing to risk failure.’ Daring is saying ‘I know I will eventually fail, and I’m still all in.’” Every worthwhile act, from crafting an art piece for a competition to pushing your body in a sporting event, is an act of vulnerability and courage that requires risk. If your kids only view “success” as being #1, they will quickly become disheartened, for losing is bound to come around sooner or later. Moreover, they might begin to fear trying new things they don’t think they will be good at. Remind them that your love for them is not conditional based on the number of wins they accrue or how well they perform.
Building self-awareness is critical as they discover their strengths and weaknesses. I’m not saying you should crush your little boy’s dream of joining the NBA because he missed all of his layups at his second-grade rec game. I am saying, though, that using a loss as an opportunity for growth is a game- changer. Give them constructive feedback or have them ask a coach to see what areas they can work on at home outside of practice. They can’t control how others play, but they can make strides to develop their personal skill set. TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK It’s easy to forget when you lose that you’re not the only one upset. Everyone wins and loses together when you’re part of a team. Encourage your kids to support each other, win or lose. The blame game (“It was her fault for not making that shot!”) will never get you anywhere. And as counterintuitive as it may seem, kids bond over shared experiences—even losing. I’ve heard it said that winning is fun, but it feels empty without knowing what it means to lose. Help your kids manage their frustration and see that working together for a bigger
IT’S OKAY TO FEEL SAD There’s a reason no one likes to lose. It’s humbling, frustrating, and often
embarrassing to admit that someone played better than you. Nonetheless, this can be a crucial opportunity to teach your kids to
10 COLORADO PARENT AUGUST 2025
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