by BRUCE LARSEN
many marriages one or both partners do exactly as they please and then wonder why things do not go better. Doing as one pleases can take many forms. It can be expressed in hostility. Here one resorts to nagging, or becomes irritable, or even fights with his spouse. Being afraid to face the real causes in a marriage which is failing, we choose various areas for battle. We fight about things all the way from where to squeeze the tooth paste tube to how to discipline the children . . . who spends the money most foolishly j . . why the house is not kept neater . . . and whose habits make them “just like” their mother or father. Such fights give the chance to express hostility without getting into the deeper and more painful issues. It ought to be said at this point that when there is this open hostility we can assume that caring still exists. The situation is more serious when a husband or wife does not even care enough to fight or to get angry, but has the attitude, “ You go your way and I will go mine.” In such a marriage a man recently told me that his wife seemed much like a college roommate. When God is truly allowed in the lives of one or both of the people in a marriage, it becomes clear that the real cause of unhappiness is one’s feeling that he is not appreciated enough, that he, or she, gives more love than is received. When talking with a couple recently about their mar riage, the wife said, “ But I always give in. I wish just for once that he would give in. If he loved me as much as I love him, he would.” This expressed the basic frus tration in all unhappy marriages. Visualize two solar systems trying to occupy the same space at the same time — two suns vying for center with planets orbiting around each. The result would be chaos and collision. The same is true of a home with conflicting centers and with different interests whirling around each. In some homes such a situation is solved by everyone else yielding center place to one. Then the home centers around the mother, or the father, or a child. Peace reigns, but the price is continuing frustration and humiliation. THE KING 'S BUSINESS
C h r is t ia n s believe that God intends marriage to be a wonderful, satisfying, and joyful relationship and that He has the power to make it so. And yet a truly happy marriage is not a common thing. , Most of the marriages that fail never reach the divorce court. A fine young engineer I know, who is in the process of discovering a Christian marriage, says, “Marriage is wonderful, but it doesn’t solve personal problems.” This is just the point why so many marriages break down. People feel that marriage should solve most problems. Actually, in itself, it solves none of them. It is not sup posed to! If a person is unhappy before marriage, he or she may well be unhappy afterwards. What really hap pens is that two people combine their problems when they marry, and living can thus become even more com plicated than before. Many are surprised when a marriage “ suddenly” breaks down. A middle-age man began to lose his hair. Finally he had only one hair left on his head. He faith fully oiled and massaged that single hair. One morning he got out of bed and there on the pillow lay his one hair. With great anguish he cried out, “ Great Scott, I’m bald!” Marriage does not fail because one of the partners suddenly finds someone else who is more interesting. Such a marriage failed long before that. It was because the marriage relationship had already broken down that one of the partners began to look elsewhere. Men and women must become aware of the real causes of unhappiness that drive marriage partners to infidelity, to alcohol, or to any of a hundred kinds of escape. Also, we must realize that no change in our circumstances is going to solve the real problems in marriage. A nicer house, more money, moving away from the “ in-laws,” or being able to have children — none of these will deeply change a thing! DOING AS I PLEASE What is a Christian marriage? Basically such a rela tionship means that / can no longer do as I please. In too 22
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