Sibling Rivalry and The New Baby: What to Do and Say “Despite your best efforts to make your other kids bond with the baby, they’re likely to experience frustrations...” By Tanni Haas, Ph.D.
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F ew things are more important to parents than having their kids get along well together. Nev- ertheless, it can be difficult for kids, especially toddlers, to accept new additions to the family. “Where they were once the center of your world, now they’re forced to share the spot- light,” as Sophie Bell of BabyCentre puts it. Let’s consider what you can do and say to reduce the amount of sibling rivalry following the arrival of a new baby. Here’s what the experts suggest. Tell your kids that you’re pregnant Experts agree that you should tell your kids that you’re pregnant before you tell other family members and friends. Bell says that doing so will make your kids feel special and inspire a sense of “ownership” that’ll
Involve them in taking care of the baby
reduce any sibling rivalry. Dr. Hindie Klein, a clinical psychologist with decades of experience, adds that you can foster such a sense of ownership by referring to the new baby as “our baby” instead of “the baby.” The point is to make your kids feel that they’re participants as op- posed to passive spectators to “this new and exciting experience,” as Dr. Klein puts it. Prepare them for the baby Create a sense of ownership, Bell says, by letting your kids feel the baby kicking in your stomach and talking to the baby, and by show- ing them photos of when you were pregnant with them. If your kids are toddlers or preschoolers, Dr. Klein adds to tell them about their own birth and read books with them about what it’s like to be pregnant.
Once you and the newborn are safely home from the hospital, involve your kids as much as possible in taking care of the baby. Among many other things, they can fetch diapers and hold towels at bath time, talk gently, or sing to the baby when the baby cries, and hold the baby in their lap, assuming that they’re properly propped up in an armchair or couch with big pillows on either side. The latter suggestion is especially import- ant since babies give off pheromones that, when inhaled, make us fall in love with and become protective of them. “The more your older child snuggles the new sibling, the better their relationship is likely to be,” says Dr. Laura Markham, a well-known clinical psychologist and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings .
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