Vol 10. Edition 2
News from CannaTown
Page 7
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - e ghosts of holidays past will follow you everywhere this season, even to Wal- greens, where they'll recommend toothpaste. Taurus - Who needs a therapist to help you stop squeaking like a penguin, when you've got a perfectly good magic wand? Gemini - ere's just something about serving Folgers from your co ee shop just to delight in the grimaces on every new face. Cancer - You knew this day was coming, because it's Tuesday and it arrives every week. Leo - You were too excited to sleep, which made it a lot easier to y the airplane. Virgo - Now that you know why they shout "John Jacob Jingelheimer Smith," you’ll never sing that godforsaken song again. What Came to Pass News in Brief CannaTown Postal Service Bans Poop, Pies While the postal service has long been a conduit for strange packages, department authorities are alarmed that a plurality of their work now ts into the “unsendable” category. In response, they’re releasing a full list of new- ly banned items. “We believe perhaps there’s a scourge of postal prankery afoot. ere’s no reason anyone would order a box full of ies. Or shaving cream. Or rotten onions,” says local Postmaster Bernadette Grainer. “Meanwhile, there’s grandmas out there not getting holiday cards.” Grainer says most mail processors have reached the psychological limits of their own fortitude, handling things like foreign gira e feces, nuclear reworks, and long expired meat, on a “regular basis.” In one incident, someone sent a used, half-full latrine. “It was shipped in parts,” Grainer says. “We had to call in Hazmat.” Critics are not happy that the list will include fruit pies.
Libra - ick as molasses, your accent will trickle out when they ask how you got that whole mall Santa display into your garage. Scorpio - You didn’t realize it until now that you’re in the moment, but one-person ash mobs are super lame. Sagittarius - Even for a cultural warrior, you sure do wear a liberal amount of makeup. Capricorn - e conversation will boil over and end somewhat violently, as many of your inner dialogues do. Aquarius - Sure every miracle needs a hand, but make sure to wash yours rst, you wretch. Pisces - You will hear bells and the magical clip clop of feet upon your roof, however you will not be prepared to nd a mini-herd of cows led by a paranoid hobo on stilts.
World's very worst circus comes to town, Pg B4
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
I ate Häagen Dazs poop avored ice cream so you don't have to ........................................ E6 Art collectors realize they're basically buying physical NFTs ........................................... F2 Best contemporary jousting lances for home defense ..................................... ........ ...... G13 Barbed wire not great look ......................... H1
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