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by Paul Bayles, Pastor, Christ Community Church Canoga Park, Calif.
the Christian home
er divorce proceedings, “Maybe if I had just been more patient . . . If I had just tried a little longer.” Separation and divorce not only mean the termination of familiar ways of living, but also the develop ment of new ways. The reorganiza tion of living habits is an inescap able result of divorce. Married life is a series of habits and rituals — the wife has certain jobs and the husband has others. When a marriage is ter minated, these old habits must be dis carded and new ones developed, all within the framework of unfamiliar surroundings. This is never very easy. Social activities often present a problem after divorce. Couples accum ulate a group of friends. Now that the couple hqs separated, who will socialize with whom? Who will invite which ex-partner? What if both ap pear at the same activity? Friends feel awkward about seeing either one, not wanting to take sides in the marital split. One or both tend to be left alone at the very time when they need friendship the most. The change in a divorcee’s person ality cannot be ignored. Some people who experience this ordeal have the ability to view their problems objec tively, face them honestly and deal with them maturely. They face the future with hope and courage. Many other persons become extremely bit ter. They trusted attorneys, only to discover that they were unprincipled. They have experienced the public humiliation of having the other mate resort to slander. Clever lawyers twisted and distorted words to make them sound even worse than they ac tually were. Agonies of spirit find ex pression in physical and mental ill ness. Others will develop defensive patterns to protect themselves from further hurt. If the break with the past is not complete, the personality continues to be affected through the years. The Christian attitude of a congre gation can help a divorcee live a life of usefulness. Historically, the church has felt that if she shows understand ing to one who is experiencing this tragedy, it will be interpreted as ap proval. It’s the old idea that if the church is kind to divorcees, the teen agers will be stumbled into thinking that divorce is legitimate. If our case for permanent marriage rests upon how cool we can be to divorcees, one wonders if we have a case at all. Let us be Christ-like in this matter.
The Christian who is familiar with Bible truth, appreciates the spiritual and theological implications of div orce. He views divorce as a broken vow and a violation of marriage as a distortion of the picture of Christ and the church. He grieves at the sorrow it causes children who are forced to choose between their par ents. The whole problem makes him feel uneasy. In spite of our acceptance of the Biblical view of divorce and marriage, thousands of Christians are divorced. Where are they? Most of them stay alone. Others lose themselves in the large congregation. A few will attend the small church. What matters to the divorced person is not so much what the general public thinks of him but how the church and family groups will regard him. It is the fear of our attitudes that explains their search for social isolation. It is my opinion that the church should present the Biblical view of marriage, offer or provide skilled help to those whose marriages are threat ened by divorce and be ‘ mature enough to separate our feelings with regard to divorce as a problem and the divorcee as a person.’ The following paragraphs describe problems which divorced people may feel and face. Our own pseudo-spiri tual attitudes may be described too. A French philosopher once said, “There is something in the misfor tunes of our best friends which does not altogether displease us.” When a man goes bankrupt or his children turn out badly, one can observe that behind profuse expressions of sym pathy, there is an undercurrent of satisfaction because this misfortune has happened to someone else and not to oneself. Sometimes there is even malice in our condolences. “That poor woman. I feel so sorry for her.” What we really mean is “Well, that ought to cut her down to size for a while.” All of us fail. Failures are never pleasant to admit. Most of our failures are small and known to only a few, but failure in marriage is public. One or both partners leave their home, so that addresses and phone numbers are changed. This information gets around. The better the couple is known, the more they-are tormented by the inquisitiveness of others. Feel ings of failure are often mingled with feelings of guilt. These are persons who say to themselves during and aft
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THE KING'S BUSINESS
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