AGE RELATED HUMOR
A hospice nurse I work with asked a 105 year old patient where she was born. The elderly lady thought and thought. Finally she said, “I don’t remember, but that was over 100 years ago!” A husband and wife had each died and gone to heaven. As they were walking the streets of heaven one day the husband couldn’t get over how beautiful everything was: the presence of God, and all the angels, and choirs, and all the colors. Finally, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, do you recall down on earth how you had us eat all that health food stuff? You know, no fried chicken, no gravy, and all that green stuff?” The wife said, “Yes.” Finally the husband said, “Do you realize we could have been here about 10 years ago if you wouldn’t have done that!” There was a widow and a widower who met one day on a park bench at a retirement home. They’d never met before and as they talked it was like two long lost friends meeting. They had a wonderful afternoon. They were both from the Midwest. Each had good first marriages and wonderful families. They had the same religious and political beliefs. They were like two peas in a pod. Near the end of the afternoon, having had such an enjoyable afternoon, the old gentlemen knelt in front of the lady. He said, “I have two questions for you. I know this first one is rather sudden, but will you marry me?” The woman was quite taken back, but upon reflection said, “Well, well, yes I will!—What’s your second question?” The old gentleman replied, “Will you help me up?” An elderly couple had been to the doctor. Because they were getting so forgetful the doctor told them to be sure and write everything down. One night the husband was going out to the kitchen. The wife said, “Honey, while you’re out there, would you get me a bowl of ice cream?” He said, “Why sure!” She said, “Now write it down.” He said, “Oh, I’ll remember.” She said, “And Honey, while you’re there, would you put some chocolate syrup and peanuts on it?” He said, “No problem!” She said, “Now write it down!” He said, “Oh, I’ll remember.” About 15 minutes later he brings her some bacon and eggs. She looks down and says, “You forgot the toast!” “A 102 year old lady was asked what the best thing was about being 102. She thought and then said, “No peer pressure!” A woman with a terminal illness was talking with her pastor. Being very brave and confident of her own salvation she was joyfully making her own funeral arrangements. She wanted everything to be just right. She told the pastor the hymns she wanted to have sung, who was to sing, the order of the service, the passages of scriptures to be read, etc. As the pastor was leaving she said, “By the way pastor, I
have one more request. I’d like to be buried with a kitchen fork in my hand.” The pastor looked at her with a puzzled look. She said, “When I was a small child and attended the church potluck socials, the ladies of the church would always come around and gather up all the plates. They’d always say, ‘Save your forks.’ I always knew that meant there was cake or pie yet to come. Now, when folks ask why I have that fork in my hand you tell them that it is a reminder that the best is yet to come.” I asked a retired friend of mine if he was as busy now that he had retired. “Well,” he said, “I have half as much to do, but it takes me twice as long to do it.” Ole had been to the doctor and he said, “Doc, I think Lena is getting hard of hearing. Is there any way we can test her hearing without her knowing about it?” The doc thought and said, “Tonight when you go home, as you go in the front door, you yell out, ‘Lena, I’m home. What’s for supper?’ If she doesn’t hear you, you go to the next room and say, ‘Lena, I’m home. What’s for supper?’ If she still doesn’t hear you, you go out near the kitchen and say, ‘Lena, I’m home. What’s for supper?’—That way, you can gauge how her hearing is.” Ole thought that sounded good, so that evening as he stepped in the front door he said, ‘Lena, I’m home. What’s for supper?’ He didn’t hear anything, so he went a little closer and said, ‘Lena, I’m home. What’s for supper?’ He still didn’t hear anything, so he went out near the kitchen and said, ‘Lena, I’m home. What’s for supper?’ She said, “Ole, I told you three times we’re having meatloaf!” I have an elderly friend named Grover who is up in his 80’s. He is a real character and loves a good joke. Recently he had to have cataract surgery done on his eyes. He told me that cataract surgery is nothing more than the doctor making a small incision across the top of each eye, removing the fluid in front of the pupil which turns yellow with age, inserting a small piece of clear plastic to replace the fluid and stitching them in place. Being a widower he had begun dating another elderly woman. Following the surgery he told her, “Here all this time I thought I had been dating a blonde!” I had an old German Catholic patient of mine tell me, “There are three stages in life: youth, middle age, and lookin’ pretty good.” He then said, “You’re lookin’ pretty good!” The grandkids bought grandma a Bible commentary for Christmas. Usually, the grandmother was very prompt in sending thank you notes. However, weeks went by and they didn’t hear a word from grandma. So one of them finally asked her, “Well, Grandma, how are you liking the Bible commentary we gave you?” She said, “Well, to be real honest, it was very hard to read at first. But, do you know, the Bible sure sheds a lot of light on it.” d
We all are getting older. We can fight it, or accept it and find the humor in it.
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