Just Plain Funny T here was a man who constantly worried about anything and everything. One day the man was talking to a friend and said, “Do you know that I don’t worry anymore? I’ve hired someone to worry for me.” His friend said, “Why that’s amazing. How much does it cost?” The man responded, “It’s costing me $100,000 a year.” “Good grief!” his friend responded. “How can you afford that?!”The man replied, “Well, that’s one of the things he’s worrying about.” A highway patrolman pulls an old hillbilly over and asks him if he has any I.D. The hillbilly responds, “ ‘bout what?” A man was asked what he would want to do if he only had four weeks to live. He said, “I guess I’d want to spend it with my mother-in-law.” “Your mother-in-law?!!” “Yeah,” he says, “It would be the four longest weeks of my life.” Coach Vince Lombardi was the infamous, tough-as-nails coach of the Green Bay Packers football team. A news reporter was interviewing one of Lombardi’s football players. The reporter asked, “So, does the coach have ulcers?” The player responded, “No, he’s just a carrier.” A snail got run over by a turtle and was all banged up. Another snail asked him, “What happened to you?” The injured snail responded, “I’m not sure, it happened so fast.” Bubba’s truck dies and he calls to have it towed. The tow truck driver asks, “What’s your address?” Bubba says, “1011 Eucalyptus Drive.” The driver says, “Can you spell that for me?” There was a long silence and Bubba says, “Let me roll it over to Oak Street for you.”
A nice Christian woman buys a talking parrot from a sailor. Once she got the parrot home she found that he would cuss and swear like a sailor. It was terribly embarrassing to her, so she decided that every time the parrot would cuss she’d use some behavior modification on him. The next time he cussed she took him and put him in the deep freezer for two minutes. That really got his attention and he was on good behavior for a couple of weeks, didn’t say a single cuss word. Then, one day he hooked his beak on the feeder and out came a string of swear words. This time the lady took the ole’ parrot and stuck him in the deep freezer for five minutes. As she was taking him out of the freezer, the parrot looked at the woman and said, “Just out of curiosity, what did that turkey in there do?” A man kept having horrible paranoid feelings that someone was hiding under his bed. He finally went to a psychiatrist. He told the doc that he just knows there is someone hiding under his bed at night. He said that whenever he gets the courage to look under the bed he doesn’t see anyone but feels the person has probably climbed on top of the bed. So, while he’s never seen the person, he knows he is there. The psychiatrist says, “This sounds like a very deep seated problem. It’ll probably take some intense therapeutic sessions, at least once or twice a week for a year or two to resolve the matter.” The man said, “How much will this cost?” The doc says, “$150 per session.” The man gulps and says, “Doc, let me think about it.” A couple of weeks later the man bumps into the doc on the sidewalk and says, “Hey, doc. Good news! I’m cured, and it only cost me $10.” The psychiatrist was stunned and asked, “That’s amazing. How is that possible?” The man said, “I was talking to my ole’ granny about my problem and she said, ‘Why don’t you just cut the legs off the bed?’”
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