American Consequences - December 2018

favorite line from Deer Hunter is? ‘You have to think about one shot; one shot is what it’s all about.’” It’s like the Jedi mind trick... he’ll be screaming “shots for everyone” in no time, and you can act like you’re the poor guy stuck next to “drunk guy.” 3. Don’t do dances from the video game Fortnite. 4.  Don’t use a stall if a managing director is in the bathroom with you. I don’t care how bad you have to go, pretend you need to wash your hands, hang out near the exit, and then wait for him/her to leave. Otherwise, they’ll assume you are doing cocaine. 5.  Don’t hit on a coworker. I promise you, not worth it. After all, if you don’t eat the forbidden fruit, you will be that much more desirable when you do resign... especially if you go to the buy side. Save the fling at your current company for the first six months when you start at a new firm. 6.  Don’t bring your American Express Black Card unless you intend on using it. 7.  Don’t dance to the Divinyls “I Touch Myself ” or to the Black Eyed Peas “My Humps.” If you can’t control your sex appeal when dancing, stick to a ballad. Try to slow it down. The slower the song, the classier.

And if you plan to do the “Keyser Soze”... You know, limping out of the bar when no one is looking after the first hour and then hitting a full sprint when you reach the sidewalk... There a few things you need to do first. •  Find the professional photographer and make sure you are in three completely different shots. Pick three random groups of people and smile wide. •  Walk around the party several times asking people if they’ve seen so and so. Make it like you are always looking for someone, preferably someone who didn’t show up. Keep moving around the room. Be seen. •  Dance twice, have a drink at the bar, stand near the buffet, and act like you are having a blast. Then escape. •  And please use the Drunk Employment Regression Analysis model... For each year employed at your firm, you can slide the drunk scale from 1-10. If it’s your first year, you’re probably looking at about three beers maximum. By year five, you can switch to hard liquor. Be careful out there this December. Nothing good comes from being the life of the office party.

Turney Duff is a former trader at one of the biggest hedge funds in the world, the Galleon Group, where its founder and several Galleon employees were found guilty of insider trading. Turney rose through the ranks and then fell prey to the trappings of Wall Street: money, sex, drugs, alcohol, and power. Turney chronicles his spectacular rise and fall in his bestselling book, The Buy Side: AWall Street Trader’s Tale of Spectacular Excess .

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