SANTA-TATION
SANTA-TATION Bertram Sport Fisherman for me (price: don’t ask), and for my wife, an Alexander McQueen Deep-V Long-Sleeve Ruched Jersey evening gown ($7,950), a pair of Manolo Blahnik Hangisi Satin pumps ($995), and a Gucci Marmont Small Matelassé clutch ($1,980). But I’m not sure this will make for a Merry Christmas either. My wife is going to be furious when her new dress, shoes, and purse get soaked while we’re out on the Bertram. Plus, we live a long way from the ocean, and I’m not sure that a 61-foot Sport that I’ve been saving for a long time – many of the pants are bellbottoms.) • The approximately 1 million tangled wire coat hangers to hang the clothes on when they fit me again. • That old refrigerator replaced by the Sub- Zero I gave to my wife for her birthday, which I was going to turn into my own private craft- beer cooler (to stay hydrated after vigorous treadmill workouts), but mice got in there first and built a “Mouse Mumbai.” • The ugly plaid couch with the arm that broke
A real Santa- for-Grown- Ups wouldn’t bring us things – he’d take things away.
Fisherman will find a warm welcome among the paddle boarders on nearby Squat Pond (three-quarters of an acre). Anyway, my wife and I don’t really need more stuff. Like most adults, we have too much stuff already. I’m
off when it tipped over while I was trying to get it down the cellar stairs. (And where I think the mice had been living before they got into the old refrigerator, because our kids used to hide their uneaten dinner vegetables under the couch cushions.) • Those snow tires for the Pontiac Grand Safari station wagon that I sold in 1983. • The Deflated “Moby Dick” inflatable beach toy that caused a trip to the emergency room after I blacked out trying to blow it up because the bicycle pump was broken. • The broken bicycle pump. • The set of lawn darts that drunk Uncle Louie sent to the children. • And let’s not forget those children. Santa- for-Grown-Ups wants them to be happy too. Imagine the wide-eyed pleasure and delight as the tykes come downstairs on Christmas morning to find their parents singing with glee... “Joy to the world – the basement’s clean!!!”
thinking specifically of what Santa brought me last year – the NordicTrack X22i Incline Trainer treadmill that was going to be the centerpiece of my diet and fitness program... until I accidently notched up its jogging pace to 30 mph and got thrown backwards into the rec-room wall. Also, the various large pieces of sheetrock left over from the rec-room wall repair. A real Santa-for-Grown-Ups wouldn’t bring us things – he’d take things away . Starting with the treadmill and pieces of sheetrock... Thank you in advance, Santa, for loading those on your sleigh. While you’re at it, could you also grab... • Those Rubbermaid storage containers full of clothes that will fit me again just as soon as I go on my diet and fitness program. (Clothes
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December 2018
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