It was so surprising to me to feel so stressed about going home. I felt more stressed about leaving than I did about coming to pris- on! For a long time it had been easier for me to focus on daily prison life. I really didn’t want to think about the family, women, and friends that I’d left behind. That was just too painful for me. To me, leaving prison was going to be the end of all my problems. I pictured a warm welcome from family, old friends, past girl- friends. I figured that someone would give me a job. In prison I did lots of working out, so my physical health was good. Most importantly, in prison I’d prayed, read the Bible, and was involved in a 12 Step program. I really believed that going home would be like going to Disneyland. No more crazy inmates, guards, staff. No more “celly problems.” No more waiting for money in the mail or commissary. I was going to actually be free! In my deep- est heart, I believed that my transition would be filled with stress- free laughter and goodwill from the world. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Prayer definitely helped during this time. So did talking with fel- low believers—people I could trust. They advised that I continue to pray, read the Bible, and find others to help, even if helping meant nothing more than a short, kind word or deed. On the way home I got car sick. I hadn’t been in a car for years, and the motion made me ill. As soon as I arrived at my parents’ house I was filled with a sense of guilt and shame. I didn’t know exactly what to do next. All of the bright colors of everyday life in the real world sort of scared me. Right away I felt like I didn’t fit. Some good friends came by—friends who are sober and walking a spiritual path. I knew they’d understand just what I was going through. They didn’t. How could they—they’d never been to pris- on for years like I just had. They were a bit confused as to why I seemed so uptight. I tried to explain but was not sure myself. I mean, “Wow, I’m actually home. So why do I feel so weird and afraid?” I was honest with everyone. I told my friends and family that being home was like being in some alien landscape. That I didn’t know what to do with my hands. After a few days I began to notice people sort of losing interest in the novelty of Dan being home. I wanted to call everyone and say, “Hey, don’t lose interest.
[ 19 ]
Made with FlippingBook Digital Publishing Software