I’m home now and want to be part of life!” People just got on with their lives, and I felt alone and afraid. I literally didn’t know what I should be doing every day. I had a basic understanding that I needed to continue my sobri- ety through spiritual channels. To me that meant daily prayer, Bible reading, AA, and basic “golden rule” living. I did some of that, but to be honest I did a lot more worrying about what peo- ple thought about me and where I was going to find a job. My relationship with God quickly went on the back burner. I kept saying to myself, “Look what you’ve done with your life! How will you ever repair it? How will you ever get a job? And what’s up with my girl? She seems to be acting weird.” It was like, at every turn, I felt more and more out of place. Even those old friends seemed unsure about what to say to me. It felt like the world had a secret it wouldn’t let me in on. I began to unravel. We all want to feel connected with God and people. There’s noth- ing worse than feeling alone. After a few weeks home I felt more alone than when I was in prison. My friends in recovery were busy with family, work, and school. At church I felt little in com- mon with these good people. I know the pastor says they don’t judge, but who doesn’t judge? Are there people who really don’t judge? So down I went. In hindsight I missed the turn when I began to care more about what people thought about me than what I was actually doing in my life. My focus became about what I thought others were thinking about me rather than just doing my very best to do the next right thing. My mind ran round and round, and I forgot the lessons that had been beaten into me by life, prison, and my search for God. I was back to relying on my own broken thinking. After a serious relapse I knew I had to find a way to really stay on track. Lots of us have gotten on the path many times. The real deal is to stay on it when the going gets tough and uncertain. I moved into a halfway house. I began to see that my troubles are about me and not about how the world treated me. I saw that I need to put real effort into getting positive results if I wanted any. For most of my life I’d found ways of manipulating people to build the life that I wanted. I was always more interested in looking good than doing good. I saw that attitude had to stop. Dan’s life did, in fact, change. He participated in small group discussions, got
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