AND YOURSELF TOO Caring for loved ones
M y husband Harry was an amazing man. His wonderful attitude and good humour made my job as his carer much easier, but it was a 24/7 job—he was always on my mind. Harry was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005. We didn’t tell anyone for weeks. We thought, how can a man have breast cancer? Then Harry started having chemo a month later and we had to tell everyone. They were just shocked. After he finished treatment, he was fantastic for 13 years. We worked together for 40 years and had a fabulous marriage. He adored me, even when he didn’t! Then, in 2018, it came back with a vengeance as stage IV metastatic breast cancer. I tried to do everything for him, but he was determined to be independent, even if it just meant putting on his own socks and shoes. He never complained but he became noticeably slower. He didn’t ride his bike as much and wasn’t able to do many of the things he loved. Our kids used to come over and look after Harry or take him out so I could do whatever I needed to. I still did my own things when I could. I’d catch up with friends, play mahjong, read and go to book club. But, for the last four months, I cancelled everything and just devoted my whole time to caring for him. Harry started chemo ins 2022 and our oncologist was outstanding.. Every time we saw her, we’d ask how long, and she was always honest with him. Towards the end, she told us there was no more chemo that would help him. We knew it was coming. We had talked about it and made sure everything was set up for me so there was no hassle at the end. We had been married for 51 years when Harry died last year.
When Harry was going through all of this, my friends and family were very supportive, and they still check in with me regularly. It’s hard to offer someone else advice because until you go through it, you don’t know how you’re going to act or what you’ll need. With Harry, I wanted to do everything in my power to help make his life easier, but I think all carers need some
time out, whether it’s just going for a coffee or a walk with a friend. The days can be long when you’re caring for someone. Raising awareness of male breast cancer is Harry’s legacy. Even years later, at the MCG for BCNA’s Field of Women , people asked why we were in blue ponchos. Harry was always keen to let people know how breast cancer affects men too. Recently, my daughter Sharon was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am now focusing on helping her and caring for my grandchild. When Sharon is well again, I will get back into doing things for myself, and the next time we stand on the Field together, we’ll be wearing a blue and pink poncho. To learn more about Harry and some of the work he did alongside BCNA, visit: Harry’s story, Fighting the stigma around men’s breast cancer Upfront about Breast Cancer podcast episode, In Conversation with Harry and Pieter: Raising awareness for men with breast cancer
Y vonne and Harry
BCNA RESOURCES FOR CARERS
Read Caring for someone Listen to Upfront About Breast Cancer podcast, Stuart Diver on supporting a partner with breast cancer Listen to What You Don’t Know Until You Do: Unlimited with Dr Charlotte Tottman podcast, The view from the other side of the bed: the partner’s perspective Listen to Upfront About Breast Cancer podcast, Caring for a loved one
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April 2024 | Issue 97
Breast Cancer Network Australia
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