Have you ever heard the expression growing up “I’ll give you something to cry about” or “do you want something to cry about”. I did. The message for me was that to cry, you had to have a good reason. Unless you really have something to cry about, then suck it up buttercup. What I lost in my growing years, under this “rule”, was the ability to fully express myself through tears, any fucking time that I wanted. I was called sensitive and soft which led to trading in tears for anger and rage. I lashed out. I used my fists. And you know what. That still was not suitable to others. This world is confusing. What am I missing? I interpreted, at the ripe age of 5 or so, that I need something to cry about and I cannot express the anger that accompanies holding in my intense emotions that produce the thaw of tears. Booze eased it. Numbed me into a zombie and the problem was solved. Nope. Booze fueled these strong emotions and the tail of stuffing it all thrashed about and took out opportunities in its wake. What the hell was I supposed to do with my emotions? Tears did not have an articulable reason to flow. Like I needed a reason. When I got sober, at 28, the first time, I made a grave error. I held in tears. I sucked it up. I curated a self that appeared strong and confident. But on the inside was a little girl who was scared and lonely because she wanted to scream, cry, punch, dance, and cries and cry and cry. But did she have something to really cry about? Today I cry openly and without reservation. I cry at and with life’s travesties and victories. Tears are the safety valve of my heart that helps me to release the pressure build-up. I don’t need something to cry about. I am allowed to fucking cry for no reason. I cry when I see a cardinal, cry with the breeze that feels like it’s cradling my face, cry when a memory pops up….crying releases the tension of life. I would rather get a wet salty tear taste in my mouth than any poison that I used to prevent this
from happening! Ronda (McNulty)
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