I have not found myself crying more In Sobriety in the emotional thaw. This is one reason I am doing the Pledge 100. I want to be more in touch with my emotions. I want to look at where I am and how I got to this place in my life. I feel like I have built up such a protective wall around myself, to be seen as a strong woman, that I need to peel away those layers around my heart. I do feel there are times of emotional joy, such as seeing grandkids and walks in beautiful nature. After the reading today, I can look back and remember those tears of anger and frustration I had as a child. But those feelings were held back and not allowed to be released as I grew into adulthood. I never saw my parents or grandparents cry either. I somehow equated stoic as strong. I envied people who could cry in joy. It took years to build the walls. Dismantling them will be an arduous process of self-love M.PM. (McNulty) When drinking some evenings would end up where I would get emotional whilst watching music videos from the past, stirring up memories, and gut-wrenching emotions. Alcohol fuelled of course. That’s the problem (one of many) with alcohol, it can go either way, you can slip down into a depressive hole or an elated joyous celebratory one. You would never know which one it would be, even the same memories could take either path. I do not miss those times one bit. C. (McNulty) am an empath and find tears for other people and situations in the world come naturally and often. These tears feel like a totally honest response to my own emotional response. Crying for myself, about something I'm experiencing in my life, seems much more uncomfortable, a lack of decorum and control ( though I know this isn't true.) When drinking, I would repress any feelings that lead to tears for myself, until I literally erupted with sorrow, grief, anger, joy, or whatever. Lava tears. It was my daughter who pointed this out to me in a recent (wonderful) conversation, she said she'd noticed that she had a tendency to do the same. These days, I feel much more comfortable about crying ( or laughing) for any reason. I try to think of the tears like April showers, they can come and go with no drama, just as naturally as the rain. All a part of the rainbow of emotions that I haven't really allowed myself to feel since I was a young girl L. (McNulty). .
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