WEEKENDER 27
November 16, 2023
Austin Knight Punchlines
music scene
NETWORK. DREAM BIG. Plan ahead. Get up early. Stay focused. Stay off your phone. Read more books. Avoid time wasters. Take risks. Write down your goals. Live on less than you earn. Mark your health a top priority. Do deeds that matter to you. Learn from folk you admire. When you’ve done all that then... visit my website www.ComedianUK.com Email me to at comedianuk@sky.com
local music spotlight
n It’s amazing how time chang- es. I fondly recollect when I used to make sandcastles with my granddad. Until my grandmother ruined it and took the urn away. n Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert went on a charabanc trip from The Pitt Bull and Stan- leyknife pub and they visited the races at Doncaster. Neither of them knew anything what- soever about racing, betting or horses. Albert picks one with the best name, Chunky Monkey. Anyway, this horse has odds of 200/1 and any punter with even minimal racing knowledge wouldn’t even back a horse with
with Dave Sweetmore and Olivia Briggs
From Monday, band of the week on Tameside Radio’s Local Music Spotlight are The Cathodes. They are a synth-rock band from Tameside and are influ - enced by the melodies and sounds from the 1980’s with a small dash of the 1960’s thrown in. Although a relatively new band, all members have exten- sive past experience playing both live and recording. The band primarily consists of Dave Forward (vocals and guitar), Barbara Verrall (key- boards), Paul Cargill (bass) and Dan Hadley (drums). Dave started writing songs in the late 1980’s and joined local band Landing Party as a keyboard player. By the mid
1990’s, Dave had opened up his home studio to a number of lo- cal bands and with guitarist Jon Dean, received some interest from a number of record labels as well as Kennedy Street Management. Barbara Verrall initially joined Dave as a keyboard player. She has played key- boards for many years and is classically trained. Paul Cargill has been working as a sound engineer for the BBC for many years. He’s worked with many artists and bands in the course of his work as well as work- ing on various dramas with a range of mixing from Kylie Minogue to Choral Evensong to A Question of Sport. He has played bass for several bands
and has extensive live experi- ence across a range of venues from The Glastonbury Festi- val to the local Charlesworth Village Club, which is where he met Dave and Barbara at an ‘open mic’ evening. Dan Hadley was the drummer with Delphic, an alternative dance band signed to Polydor and based in Manchester. The Cathodes will also be releasing a Christmas single this Friday (17th November) entitled “Next Christmas”, which will be available for download and across the streaming platforms. The Cathodes only play a lim- ited number of gigs each year, with the next one being at The Spinning Top in Stockport next Friday.
ON CUE: Austin with Dennis Taylor.
reaction, I asked: “If I manufactured these commercially, how much do you think I would get for one of them?” Without looking up from her iPod she replied: “About five years.” That’s when the fight started! n I purchased a packet of those Cadbury Chocolate Animals yesterday. It clearly stated on the pack ‘Do not consume if seal is broken.’ What’s all that about then? n Thought for Thursday: Never attrib- ute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. n When I gaze in the mirror and see a fat, wrinkled, grey-haired and sken-eyed old bloke, I always say to myself: “They certainly don’t make mirrors like they used to.” n Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was tidying her husband Tommy’s wardrobe when she discovered three golf balls and a shoebox with £5,000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course, to ask him why these things were hidden in his wardrobe. Tommy told her: “I’m sorry I hid this from you, but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 50 years, I put a golf ball in the drawer.” Elsie was very upset at first, but after thinking about it said: “I guess three times in 50 years is really not that bad! Oh! by the way what is the £5,000 in the shoebox?” With all the dignity Tommy could muster, he sez: “ Well, every time I got to a dozen balls, I sold them for a fiver.”
these rank-outsider odds. They get to the starting blocks and after several minutes the race commences. After a couple hun- dred metres Chunky Monkey seemed to be doing moderately well. However, the nag suddenly turned around and started heading back towards the starting block. Barmy Albert started getting excited and stood up screaming and shouting at the top of his voice: “Go Chunky Monkey. Go!” A few seconds later the horse crossed the finish line the opposite way! Albert was ecstatic and yelled out: “I’m rich! I’ve won a fortune!” Non-Stick Nora sez: “ Hey Albert, why are you so happy, that was one dud of a horse for crying out loud, he ran in the wrong flamin’ direction.” “That does not matter.” Albert sez with a huge grin on his face. “I backed it each way!” n The missus wants a divorce because of my obsession with using too many metaphors. It came as a bolt out of the blue. You could’ve knocked me down with a feather. Took the wind right out of my sails, I can tell yer! n I was searching on Google yesterday and the missus asked me: “What are you up to?” I sez: “I’m looking for cheap flights”. She got all inflamed and effer - vescent and told me that I was the best husband a woman could ever have! To be perfectly honest, I never even knew she was interested in darts! n At breakfast, yesterday, I eagerly waited for the wife to comment on my first attempt at my new recipe cheese omelette. After several minutes with no
Alex B Cann at the movies...
I’ve been getting a lot of stick in the office this week, as I’ve never watched any of the Star Wars movies. Apparently, this might besmirch my reputation as a film writer in this newspaper. I’m told if I like the Indiana Jones films, I would definitely Star Wars. I have to admit I thought the latest Harrison Ford adventure as swashbuckling Dr Henry Walton deserved better at the box office, so maybe one day I will go back to 1977 and watch all of the Star Wars films in order. I’m assuming that’s how you’re supposed to do it? Any advice welcome - E-mail alex.cann@questmedianetwork. co.uk with your tips. In the meantime, I’ve only got one new release to tell you about this week, and it’s Dream Scenario. You certainly can’t accuse Nicolas Cage of taking predictable film roles, and I really enjoyed the premise of this one, in which millions of people begin to dream about ordinary univer- sity professor Paul Matthews, but he has no idea why. At first, it’s a
novelty, and he even buys into the fame and glory, giving interviews and posing for selfies with star struck admirers who recognise him from their sleep. In many of the dreams, he seems to just ‘be there’ as awful things happen, but things quickly descend into darker terrain You’ll witness one of the most awkward sex scenes you’ve ever seen in a movie, with a fumbled attempt to act out a saucy dream, and Matthews becoming isolated from his wife and family as he is ‘cancelled’. He even has ‘loser’ daubed onto the side of his car in pink ink, and loses his temper with his terrified students, none of whom dare go anywhere near him as a result of their dreams. It’s all clearly ridiculous and far- fetched, yet brilliant. The film has plenty to say about social media, the flimsy and fickle nature of fame, and the rise of those strange cult podcasters and right-leaning TV channels which ‘cancelled’ folk generally flock to, when
no-one else is interested in their bleatings any longer. Cage is the best he’s been in years, and there are a good few laugh out loud moments. Worryingly, I was the only one chortling on a couple of occasions, so either my fellow watchers didn’t find it as funny as me, or else my sense of humour is a bit warped. Cage also did a much better version of Five Nights at Freddy’s in the form of Willy’s Wonder- land a couple of years ago. Not a word of dialogue, but he made it compelling viewing. I find he always throws himself into every role, however ludicrous, and I really enjoyed Dream Scenario. Sadly, when his book is published in France, it’s retitled as some- thing far less complimentary. My only criticism is that the ending isn’t as strong as the rest of the film, but don’t sleep on it...go and see this one if you can! Next week, I’ll review Anat- omy Of A Fall, The Marvels, and Thanksgiving, plus the new Hunger Games and Saltburn.
n I’m broke, but not poor broke. I’m posh broke. I’m baroque. n If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
THOSE WERE THE DAYS: With Stan Boardman, Kate Robbins and Alan Brady.
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