by Paul Bayles, Pastor, Christ Community Church Canoga Park, Calif.
the Christian home
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mother, but soon accepts the fact that this cannot be. After a time, the child “forgets” these deep wishes. But when a mar riage is broken and actual life fits all too really into his earlier “ forgot ten” fantasies, and he has, in fact, one parent all to himself with no competition from the other, seeming ly settled conflicts are reawakened. To such a child it may seem as though his earlier wishes actually caused the break-up in the family. He develops the strong conviction that he is to blame. His irritability, sleeplessness and withdrawal are symptoms of this, or of some other hidden worry. Explaining to the child that he is not to blame is good, but it is the total effect of day-to-day living and loving that will teach him that he is not at fault. Another child, or even the same one, will react bitterly to the fear that his parents have made him “ dif ferent” from other children. These reactions may occur in the event of a parent’s death as well as if they are divorced. The child resents what has happened and is embarrassed to have his friends know about it. What ever the cause of his now being fath erless, he needs to have it out in the open, in order to face the fact that his life is different. Children have a great deal of strength which will us ually carry them through this trial. Being “ different” needn’t matter so much if their lives are filled with spiritual, social and academic inter ests that are good and varied. Perhaps finding new friends will be helpful. Children need time, just as adults do, to think over everything that has happened, to accept their sorrow, hate, shame or loneliness — or what ever else they may feel. The Christian parent, to whom this has come, has the resources of the Holy Spirit, the Word of God and the church upon which to call, in order to learn understanding and pa tience with the child who resents what has happened to him. When the Christian parent accepts God’s for giveness for his or her part in the divorce, he can more freely and ob jectively listen to and counsel his troubled child.
much disturbed by her son’s reaction to a recent divorce, came to my office. The young
boy was becoming irritable and sleep less. He seemed to withdraw from everyone at home and at school. His grades dropped sharply. He resorted to extreme daydreaming. The mother expressed disappointment, explaining that home life was so much more peaceful since the divorce that she couldn’t understand his increased tenseness. When a marriage is dissolved, ev ery member of the family feels and expresses his feelings in his own way. External tensions may decrease, but deeper feelings are frequently trig gered by divorce. To a child, divorce means the end of a home and family with which he has been familiar. No longer does he have the feeling that his parents are there whenever he needs or wants them. He must get used to this, if possible, but he is entitled to some anger toward the adults who have let the bottom drop out of his life. All children have feelings about these things, but not all express them in the same way. The child who “ doesn’t seem to mind at all” shows, by his calmness, just as much disturbance as does the one who cries. It is much easier to comfort the child who openly expresses what he feels, who cries bitterly and displays rebellion. The parent will do best by offering honest sympathy, a real acceptance of the child’s feelings, without feeling the need for self-jus tification or for the placing of blame on anyone. Some of the things a child feels are as follows: He may feel personal ly guilty and responsible for the div orce. When only two or three years old, a child realizes that his parents are there not only to meet his needs, but also that they have a life of their own, which in some ways excludes him. This is the time when the daughter vows that she will mar ry her daddy and the son expresses love for mother in unmistakable ways. These expressions of love and jealousy are deeply felt. The child wrestles with these wishes to have exclusive possession of his father or
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