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HEART TO HEART DATING AND CONNECTION
REACHING FOR THE LIGHT RABBI YAAKOV GIBBER CHANUKAH GIFT EXCHANGE
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By: Rabbi Yaakov Gibber ight L Reaching for the 12
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What to do
all too much When It’s By: Rebbetzin Aliza Blumenthal LCSW
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If you link your Instacart and Costco
accounts together, the prices go down. To save even more, Costco sells Instacart gift cards for $79.99
I have lived in Boca Raton for 36 years, raising a family of six children. When we moved here (for a job), we knew we would be pioneering in a new-ish
and they value it at $100 which is a 20% savings. You can use the gift cards on Instacart or same-day Costco. You might think that you’re paying more for having
your food delivered but with the discount, you actually save both time and money! Leah Green, Miami Beach
What are some financial tips for food shopping in South Florida?
orthodox community. Of course, being young and adventurous, we didn’t really know what that meant.... What it meant was no eruv, traveling to NMB for mikvah, and, yes, meeting a shipment
of kosher meat at Miami International Airport! The few families that needed imported meat would try to stock up so we only had to do that every few months. But woe to the family that forgot a box. No one was going back – just gotta do without! The community grew pretty quickly to fill all the above needs and, fast forward to 2024, there is very little that we don’t have access to. Our resources practically rival New York, and the prices have caught up (or exceeded) as well.
I guess the best way is to shop the sales and buy only the amount that you need. I found that, once I stopped bulk shopping, we had less waste and saved a bit more each week. Anonymous
I am intimately familiar with many grocery options, and I love to save money. Publix is “where shopping is a pleasure.” They have BOGOs every week on things that kosher people actually eat. They’re different ever week – maybe Chobani flips or marinara sauce or hummus and cereals etc. It’s definitely worth stocking up on the BOGOS that your family uses. Their sales change every Thursday. Costco can’t be beat for chicken (boned and cutlet) prices. Their vacuum-packed deli is well-priced as well as some cheeses, Kedem grape juice, and many snacks. A nice surprise of the last number of years is the local addition of Aldi’s. Fruits, vegetables, eggs, milk, and lots of snack items are usually at rock-bottom prices. They have salmon and hummus, too. My daughters-in-law swear by Walmart which they get delivered up to twice a week. That has not made it to my rotation. I am at a stage
where I do have the time to manage in-person shopping, which I prefer. I like to see and pick what I buy. One can claim that I spend more money shopping in person, which I am not sure I can argue with. I will say that almost all kosher grocery shopping (other than meats, cheeses, chalav Yisrael, and specialty items) can be picked up in a regular grocery store and is not required to be purchased at a kosher market. It’s especially money-wise if one can learn to check lettuce on their own. Don’t ask me where I usually buy my meat because I will demur before telling you that I stock
Since kosher items are quite pricey in South Florida, I recommend shopping at Walmart and Target, where prices are often much lower than at kosher stores. A Walmart+ membership is especially helpful, offering convenient, fast delivery right to your door, usually within a few hours. Although it was an adjustment coming from a background of shopping exclusively at Jewish supermarkets in Brooklyn, switching to a Walmart+ membership has been incredibly worthwhile. Anonymous
up in Baltimore when I visit my daughter’s family. Like I said, I love to save money!
Betty Goldberg
This was cost-effective for my large family: I used to buy a case of whole chicken. I would separate the bottoms, wings, and tops. I put the leftover soup bones into freezer bags. Then I would separate the bottoms into freezer bags and take the white meat off the bone and put that into freezer bags. Toby Eisenman, West Palm
I start out at Walmart which has almost every possible kosher staple you’d need and
The Winn-Dixie app has a rewards
delicious produce. For poultry, I shop in Costco, which has great pricing and quality. Yael Spiegel, Boca
program and you can get points that turn into
Winn-Dixie dollars! Also, make sure to take advantage of the Grove’s rewards program. Rachel Draiman, Boca
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E D I TO R S ’
EDITORIAL DIRECTOR Chavi Glucksman EDITORIAL ASSISTANT Nechama Jacobs LAYOUT & DESIGN Creative Branding Group COPY EDITOR
I am truly humbled and grateful to be a part of the fastest-growing Jewish community in America. As the editor of this magazine, I am thrilled to have the opportunity to bring people and ideas together through this platform. Our community is a vibrant tapestry of diverse per- spectives, experiences, and traditions. This magazine is a space for everyone to share their unique voices, stories, and insights. Whether you’re a longtime resi- dent or new to our community, I invite you to join the conversation and share your thoughts. I would like to extend a heartfelt thank you to all of you who responded so enthusiastically to our first issue. Your feedback and encouragement mean the world. I’m excited to continue sharing stories, news, and ideas that reflect the spirit and energy of our community. May it be a season of growth, learning, and celebration for everyone. Looking forward to many more issues together! Warm regards,
Ayelet May WRITERS Rabbi B. Halpern Arielle Lowenstein PROOFREADER Mark Ganchrow CONTRIBUTORS Rabbi Y. Gibber Leah Teller
Shifra Singer Arielle Lahav Reb A. Blumenthal LCSW JOWMA
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The Connection SF Magazine, reserves all copyrights on its content, including articles, photographs, illustrations and materials. Reproduction in whole or part, in any form, requires prior written permission. Information presented, including articles and advertisements, is for informational purposes only. The Connection SF Magazine disclaims responsibility for accuracy, completeness and liability. Readers should conduct independent research before mak- ing decisions. Listed prices reflect those at printing time, and the magazine assumes no liability for typographical errors or responsibility for product quality, price fluctuations or availability.
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By: Rabbi Yaakov Gibber ight L Reaching for the
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I
was recently at a Sheva Brochos waiting, as one does, for the chosson and kallah to arrive, and I had the chance to talk a bit with my old friend Reb Dovid.* R’ Dovid is a very philanthropic, wealthy, and successful entrepreneur, with whom I have had a special relationship for many years. A close talmid of Rav Shneur Kotler, R’ Dovid is a talmid chacham in his own right, has started yeshivos and day schools, and supports countless mosdos with his tzedakah. As we were waiting at this simcha , I asked him to tell me a story about his time with Rav Shneur Kotler. I was eager to learn of their interactions. He grew very emotional recounting the following incredible story that actually has an important message for all of us, especially at this time of year. R’ Dovid started wistfully, “After I got mar- ried, I was learning in kollel by Rav Shneur Kotler, to finish my smicha (ordination). As I was coming close to finishing Yoreh Yoreh , the first level of smicha , my goal, my dream really, was to have my rebbe write the ksav , the signature, on the klaf (document) of the smicha upon comple- tion. “My plan was to finish the smicha , get my Rebbe’s signature, hang it on my wall, and go into the business world. As I finished up the last of my learning days, I lined up a job with a great business opportunity and I was ready for the next step. Unfortu- nately at that time, Rav Shneur became very sick. He was hospitalized, and it seemed it was the end. No visitors outside of the family were admitted to see him in the hospital. I was heartbroken because I had so badly wanted to bring him my smi- cha and have him sign the klaf , but I also didn’t want to bother him and be burden- some to the family by asking for special favors. “My hesitations notwithstanding, I could not let the dream go. It meant everything to me. I was close with a relative of Rav Shneur who was in the hospital with him. This friend let me know when the rav was doing a bit better, and I used this connec- tion to ‘get in’ and was thrilled when I got the OK to come see the rav . “I went quickly to the hospital and indeed received a bracha , and the rav wrote ‘This Smicha is signed… etc.’ It was an incredi- ble moment for me. I folded it up and put it in my pocket, thanked him and the fam- ily profusely, and left to let the rav rest. I called my wife, elated, describing what happened and shared that I could not wait to come home and celebrate with her. I
honestly could not believe that under such trying circumstances I had managed to get this special opportunity. “As I got out of the elevator, I unfolded the paper and was shocked to see a mis- take! Instead of writing that these are the credentials of a Yoreh Yoreh -- the equiva- lent of a masters degree -- the rav had written Yadin Yadin , basically the equiva- lent of a PhD or for someone who’s ready to sit on a beis din ! All the elation blew out of me in one breath. I did not know what to do. I had the signature I wanted, but I hadn’t earned what it said. “In the days and sleepless nights that fol- lowed, my wife urged me to go back to get it fixed. I insisted that I had already used my connections and I simply could not push them for another appointment. My wife, to her credit, kept pushing. She saw my anguish and knew this was too im- portant to me. Embarrassed, I called the relative in the hospital who managed to squeeze me in again if I promised it would be under five minutes. “I went back to the rosh yeshiva and apol- ogized. ‘I think the Rav thought by mis- take that I earned Yadin Yadin . I can’t ac- cept this with the knowledge of the mistake.’ The rosh yeshiva put his hand on my face and said, “Dovid’l, I know what I wrote. I didn’t make a mistake. This is the smicha for what I believe you can become. I know that you’re planning on leaving ye- shiva to start working. I don’t know how long I’ll be here for and I might not be here to see you earn this, but i’m writing this because this is what I know you can earn in the future.’ The rosh yeshiva then gave me a kiss and a bracha , and a few days later, he passed away.” At this point in the story I was already speechless. Grateful that the chosson and kallah had not yet arrived, I asked R’ Dovid, “What did you do after that?” “I took that klaf home and called the guy that I was scheduled to start working with and told him that I could not start working that Monday as planned. He asked when I could start, and I said, ‘I can start in ten years.’ And that’s what I did. I re-enrolled in the kollel and learned for ten more years to earn that Yadin Yadin -- because Rav Shneur believed I could. After that I went into business.” This incredible story left me thinking about the concept of pushing ourselves and wanting more. These are themes of Chanukah: to push for the mihadrin min hamihadrin -- the best of the best, and
more or better than is strictly necessary. This idea of lighting the oil specifically as a reminder is a demonstration of the idea of mihadrin , of pushing ourselves to higher levels. When we think of the miracles of Chanu- kah, we talk about the Jewish people find - ing that tiny flask of oil with the seal of the kohen gadol on it and its lasting for eight days. We think about the victory of the Chashmonaim. Commentaries ask a pro- found question: The Shulchan Aruch and Gemara tell us of a concept called tumah hutra b’tzibur . While it’s true that we don’t usually use things that are tamei or defiled ,and instead we discard them, the Shul- chan Aruch writes that, if it’s for the need of the community, then that which is im- pure is allowed to be used. So that puts into question the whole story of the special flask of oil. Even if it meant that they had to light the menorah with impure oil, this would have been allowed because it was for the tzibur , to demon- strate our return to the Beis Hamikdash. The commentaries answer that the real victory of the Chashmonaim is that the Jewish people are not satisfied with the bare minimum, or “checking the box.” We are not okay just to satisfy our basic obli- gation. We are Jews, illuminated by the light of Chanukah. We live by the value of mitzvah min hamuvchar, mihadrin min hamihadrin and by the value of lifnim m’shuras hadin . We push ourselves to be the best we can possibly be, and we are defined by our dedication to uplifting our - selves and each other. As we push ourselves to our greatest po- tential, this is reflected in the story of Cha - nukah and in the story of my friend R’ Dovid. This is why we celebrate finding and using the tiny flask of the purest oil. That’s how we celebrate doing our best always. This is how our best version of our- selves is revealed and our immortality is achieved and our greatest accomplish- ments are fulfilled. So, reach for the light – because we know we can earn it.
* R’ Dovid is not his real name
Rabbi Yaakov Gibber became the rabbi and spiritual leader of the Boca Jewish Center/Shaaray Tefilla in August of 2008.
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BEET CARPACCIO WITH SHALLOT VINAIGRETTE Original Recipe Created By: Shifra Singer
Prep time: 15 min INGREDIENTS
1 package cooked beets (3 large whole) 2 Tbsp chopped chives (or parsley or mint) 2 Tbsp chopped almonds (or any nuts of your choice) Flaky salt (Maldon) DIRECTIONS Slice the beets super thin and spread them out on a platter, slightly overlapping each other, to cover the whole plate. SHALLOT VINAIGRETTE 1 small shallot, finely diced 1 Tbsp white wine vinegar 1 Tbsp olive oil 1 tsp honey 1 tsp kosher salt DIRECTIONS 1. Mix all together and gently drizzle over the plated beets. 2. Top with the chopped herbs and nuts and sprinkle a bit of the flaky salt.
LOOKS SUPER IMPRESSIVE AND DELICIOUS. :) You can prepare this in advance by slicing and plating the beets up to a day in advance. Cover and refrigerate. The vinaigrette can also be made up to 2 days in advance. Store it in a container in the fridge and drizzle over the beets right before serving. The longer everything is plated together on the beets, it will start to turn pink. Shifra Singer "I'm originally from Los Angeles and now living in Boca Raton with my husband and two daughters. I’ve loved cooking since my teenage years and enjoy getting creative in the kitchen, especially to prepare Shabbos meals for family and friends. Follow my food adventures on Instagram @shifra.grnsh."
COOK DELICIOUS POTATO LATKES EFFORTLESSLY WITH BETTY!
Gather your Betty electric grill and favorite potato latke recipe ingredients, and follow these easy steps:
Step 1: Prep and Mix • Plug in your Betty. • Let it heat up. • Mix all ingredients together.
Step 3: Cook to Perfection • Close the cover. • Cook for approximately 20 min. • Flip midway. Step 4: Clean Up • Unplug. • Discard parchment paper. • Done!
Step 2: Assemble and Cook • Place parchment paper on Betty. • Spray with oil. • Add spoonfuls of mixture. • Top with another parchment paper (spray side down).
Submit your kitchen question to the chef! Email your questions to: info@theconnectionsouthflorida.com SUBJECT chef and get expert answers and advice!
Enjoy crispy, golden potato latkes with minimal cleanup!
HAVE YOUR ORIGINAL RECIPE FEATURED! Email a recipe created by you to: info@theconnectionsouthflorida.com SUBJECT recipe
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? Ask Rabbi the Dear Rabbi,
Chanukah is coming and with it comes the “minhag” of Chanukah presents. On the one hand, gifts are a beautiful opportunity to make Chanukah enjoyable for our children. On the other hand, my neighbor tells me that there actually is no legitimate minhag for Chanukah gifts and that it was just an American custom that families started doing so their kids shouldn’t feel bad that their non-Jewish friends were getting presents in De- cember and not them. Is this accurate? (My neighbor also shared that her children are asking her for expensive Chanukah presents that she can’t really afford!) My question is, how should we be meaningfully gifting, and is Chanukah a time that we should be gifting at all? ... Presently Confused Dear Presently Confused, Great question! This is a fantastic example of
First and foremost, Chanukah is the yom tov where we celebrate and are makir tov to Hashem for the miracles He performed for klal Yisrael in the military victory of the Chashmonaim and the pach shemen, the flask of oil, for the menorah. 2 We do this when we sing Hallel and light the menorah. However, many other important lessons are part of Chanukah as well. By way of analogy, if the inspira- tion from Chanukah were like a gift-wrapped pres- ent, it would be a tragedy for us to spend eight
how, as we develop and grow, as children and even as adults, we should not just do things by rote, but rather constantly try to infuse a deeper meaning and sophistication into our avodas Hashem . 1 In my experience, whether, how, and to whom we should be giving Chanukah presents is some- thing that people have diametrically opposed opin- ions about. With that disclaimer, I will share my personal view.
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nights admiring the wrapping, without bothering to open the gift! The Greeks and Hellenists declared open war against learning Torah. As we specifically mention in al hanissim , their goal was ,ךתרות םחיכשהל to erase Torah learning and knowledge from the collective minds of Klal Yisrael. Therefore, the first and foremost lesson of Chanukah is that celebrating the victory of the Chashmonaim means that we are celebrating our freedom to learn Torah. It behooves us therefore to make sure that we take the time on Chanukah to re- member what we were fighting for and the precious - ness of our ultimate gift. It has been suggested that this is the origin of the minhag of dreidel , 3 reenacting how they needed to play to hide their learning, as well as for the minhag of giving Chanukah gelt , coins to our children and their teachers, to reward them for their efforts to further Torah learning. Over time, gifts have been used instead of, or in addition to, gelt . Has Chanukah gift-giving become more popular- ized by those who were looking through the window at their neighbors’ gifts under their trees? Most defi - nitely. It is interesting to note, however, that historical- ly, gift-giving for both Jewish and non-Jewish holidays increased in the U.S. during the 1950s when post-war Americans could buy holiday gifts for their families. 4 Halachically, it has been suggested that giving Cha- nukah presents may fall under the prohibition of chu- kos ha’akum , copying non-Jewish practices. 5 Rav Yaa- kov Kaminetsky zt”l was of the opinion that it does not. R’ Yaakov, in fact, goes further in suggesting that it is more probable that the custom of giving presents started with Chanukah gifting and then became popu- larized in other religions as well. 6 In general, family culture and custom is something that the entire family creates together and we should be thoughtful and intentional in setting the right tone. Guidance from one’s rav, traditions from our own par- ents and grandparents, as well as norms in the com- munity we live in are all important parts of the equa- tion. This being said, I would offer two reasons in favor of a meaningful gift for each of our children on Cha- nukah. Firstly, it makes the yom tov special for the kids. One of my rabbeim pointed out that, in truth, gifts on a yom tov are not unique to Chanukah and should really be viewed in the same category as a fi - koman presents which enhance the seder and keep the kids excited and engaged. Of course, for both it is important to keep in mind that, for a present to en- hance the yom tov, it must be something that will be exciting for the child but not overly extravagant to the point where the focus of the chag becomes cele- brating materialism. Too many gifts may also be exces- sive. (I was once at the airport during Chanukah, and a stranger approached me to bemoan the fact that he needed to buy 8 Chanukah presents for his daughter, one for each night of Chanukah!) Additionally, and perhaps even more importantly, a thoughtful gift, even a small one, is a way of show- ing each of our children that we understand them, להשכיחם תורתך
appreciate the things that they like, and we are invest- ing in something extra just for them. We find a powerful example of this at the begin - ning of Parshas Vayishlach. In preparation for his meeting with Eisav, Yaakov davens, makes battle plans, and sends Eisav a number of gifts. Specifically, the pasuk says [Yaakov] took from what comes in his hand, as a gift for his brother Esav. 7 Yaakov took a gift, but what exactly is the meaning of the phrase ודיב אבה ןמ , “from that which comes in his hand?” Rabbeinu Bachya explains that this was a gift that was carried by hand. Specifically, Yaakov brought Eisav a falcon 8 , a hunting bird, which came along in Eisav’s hand, when Eisav went hunting. Yaakov was a tzaddik . He loved to daven to Hash- em and study His Torah. Why not send Eisav a sefer, a tallis, or something of spiritual significance? Maybe the right gift would even have a hashpa’ah , a positive influence, on Eisav to return from his wicked ways! Yaakov was a shepherd. He knew domesticated ani- mals and appreciated their value, and he sent sheep and cattle to Eisav as the subsequent pesukim de- scribe. However, Yaakov was also a chacham , a wise person, who understood other people. Yaakov knew that Eisav was not a tzaddik or a shepherd. Eisav had different interests and values and Yaakov asked him- self, “If I were Eisav, what kind of gift would I really benefit from and appreciate?” Gelt is gevaldig (or, in the English version, cash is king). At the same time, Yaakov Avinu shows us the power of a thoughtful gift that expresses our love and understanding of our children in a unique and impact- ful way. Each Chanukah and each chag that we celebrate is a gift. Wishing you much hatzlacha in finding the best way to make it exciting, beautiful, and meaningful for yourself and your family. Rabbi Binyomin Halpern Rabbi Binyomin Halpern is a mohel, sofer, and has taught at a number of yeshivos and day schools in the United States and Canada. He has served as Rav of Congre- gation House of Jacob-Mikveh Israel (HOJMI) in Calgary, Alberta and is currently the Dean at Bais Yaakov of Boca Raton. Questions or comments are welcome and can be sent to Rabbi Halpern: info@theconnectionsouthflorida.com SUBJECT: Ask the Rabbi חובות הלבבות :שער חשבון הנפש (חשבון כ”ד) 1 עיין גמרא שבת כא: 2 נטעי גבריאל ריש פרק נ”א 3 מן הבא בידו ֽיו �ִֽ וַַיִִּק ַַּח מ ִִן־ה ַַב ָָּא בְְיָָדו ִמְִנְח ָָה לְְעֵֵש ָָׂו א ָָח
ויש שפירש מן הבא בידו עוף 8 הנקרא פלקו”ן, כי מפני שהיה עשו איש ציד הביא לו העוף הזה שיצוד בו(ר’ בחיי בראשית ל”ב:י”ד)
םש א”רגה רואיבו א”מרו רבחמ א:חעק ’יס ד”וי ’יע 5 אמת ליעקב אורח חיים סי’ תר”ע 6 בראשית ל”ב:י”ד 7 4 Detriot Jewish News:: Looking Back: Gift-Giv- ing at Chanukah By Mike Smith Dec 16, 2022 Updated Jun 18, 2023
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REAL ESTATE MARKET Spotlight
THE BENEFITS OF INVESTING IN PRE-CONSTRUCTION LUXURY PROPERTIES IN SOUTH FLORIDA South Florida’s luxury real estate market is thriving, with exciting pre-construction projects rising in Miami Beach, Surfside, Bal Harbour, and Bay Harbor Islands. These prime coastal areas offer exceptional opportunities for buyers looking for a brand-new condo with long-term value. APPRECIATION POTENTIAL One of the key advantages of buying pre-construction is the appreciation potential. As properties near completion, their value often increases—giving early buyers an oppor- tunity to gain equity before moving in. This makes pre-con- struction not just a home purchase, but a strategic invest- ment. MODERN, HIGH-QUALITY LIVING WITH WORLD-CLASS AMENITIES When you invest in a pre-construction condo, you’re se- curing a newly built property that meets the latest con- struction codes and design standards. These residences offer state-of-the-art features such as hurricane windows and smart home technology. In addition, luxury pre-con- struction developments in South Florida offer exceptional amenities — expansive pools, state-of-the-art fitness cen- ters, spa facilities, concierge services, and private ocean access. Many buildings also feature rooftop terraces, wine cellars, and in-house dining options, creating a retreat
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heart Authentic Talks on Dating and Connection to to Dear Aviva, My oldest daughter is ready to start dating and has asked for my help. However, I’m new to the shidduch world and don’t know where to begin. What’s the best way to navigate this process and ensure a positive experience for my daughter? Signed, Not Ready to be a Mother-in-law
Dear Not Ready to be a Mother-in-Law,
Take a deep breath! You will get through this. It can be overwhelming in certain circles when you realize it is your responsibility to line up dates for your daughter. You are not alone. Many mothers experience similar feel- ings to yours. Prior to beginning to date, you need to figure out (as objectively as possible, which can be a challenge when it comes to your own children!) the vital question: Is your child ready to date? This is a very broad question that encompasses a lot of factors. Here are a few to consider:
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1. 2. 3. EMOTIONAL MATURITY Does your child have the capacity to let someone else into her life and connect at a deep level? HASHKAFICALLY SOUND -- If your daughter is just off the plane from seminary and seems to have “flipped out,” she may need some more time to acclimate and get more grounded. Give her a chance to see how the changes that she made in seminary work in her life back home. Before she starts dating, you want to make sure that she is solid enough in her hashkafa to choose someone like-minded. FINANCIAL STABILITY Is your daughter starting school? Does she have a job? Are you willing to help financially if she is not quite on her feet yet? These are tough questions and you and/or your spouse should take your time to iron out details with your daughter prior to officially starting to date. Once these foundational pieces are established and your child is ready to start dating, it is good to do the following: • Create a dating resume or profile. This should include basic demographics such as name, address, phone num- ber, date of birth, height, education, profession, parents’ names and professions, siblings’ names and ages and spouses where applicable, shul affiliation, and some references with phone numbers. Some people include friends as references as well. • Get some good pictures taken, whether they be done by a professional or are pictures from a simcha. It is worth investing the time and energy to get a good photo. Everyone who is in the shidduch world asks for a picture. It’s simply the way of the world nowadays. The reality is that it is the first thing anyone looks at before even opening the resume. Some tips on pictures: • Don’t crop a picture. Use one that is a regular size. • No selfies or mirror selfies. • Don’t have other people in a picture! I can’t emphasize this enough. Guys will inquire about everyone else in the picture but the suggested person! I kid you not. This happens more often than you think. • Write a few lines of bio or blurb about what makes you unique. You can talk about hobbies, interest in aliyah, in- volvement in chessed, your personality type, what you do on a rainy day, etc. This should be something that takes the one-dimensional element out of the paper profile and may make someone think, “Hey, I may want to meet this person!” • Network, network, network! It’s how the dating world works. Use your discretion with whom and where you share your personal information. It can be family friends, family, rabbis, shadchanim. If you take the shadchan route, note that there are certain organizations such as Adopt a Shadchan and YUConnects with dating platforms to consider as well. Also consider going to events that fit your demographic. Your Boca Connector, Aviva *Note that this response is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Some take dating into their own hands and meet more organically without parents getting involved in the process. Hatzlacha and remember to breathe!
For more information on local events or to share your dating resume with the BocaShadchans, please email bocashadchans@gmail.com.
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FAMILY VALUES AND PLAY DATES The Power Persuasion and Planting of
DEAR RABBI DRAIMAN, My daughter Malky* is a “with it” kid who naturally gravitates to some of the cooler children in the class. We raise our children in a Torah home with strong values and practices that some other children may not follow. My concern is with play dates, es- pecially on Shabbos. The kids in the neighborhood who are more aligned with our family’s hashkafa tend to be quieter and less enjoyable for Malky, and while we try to encourage her to play with them, she would be resentful if we restricted her only to that group and not allow her to play with the oth- er children. Our home is also smaller, which makes bringing them here diffi- cult. While I am not aware of anything particularly alarming happening, she is young now, and I am concerned as she gets older the exposure may be dam- aging as they get into other matters. How should we navigate this? Sincerely, Fearful of friendships
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Dear Fearful,
The challenge you are experiencing is not unique to your child or your community. In Torah homes throughout the world, from Lakewood to Florida, and from Milwau- kee to the Old City of Yerushalayim, parents have to face these challenges almost everywhere. Every area includes a range of families and backgrounds, although some areas may certainly have more widespread diversity than others. Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe zt”l, the renowned master mechan- ech of our previous generation, predicates his entire sefer on education, titled “Zeriyah U’Binyan B’Chinuch,” on the concepts of implanting Torah values combined with build- implanting Torah values combined with build- ing lifelong habits that will serve our children for life. When visiting the Bais Hamussar where Rav Wolbe taught in Eretz Yisroel many years ago, I remember Rav Wolbe describing the attempt by parents to exert control the attempt by parents to exert control on children which can be compared to putting one’s hand on a spring. The tighter we push down, the farther away the spring goes when the hand is removed. Similarly, effec- tive chinuch is achieved by nurturing and implanting the Torah values of what our family stands for and why it is im- portant, combined with practicing them in real life, so that a child can discern and choose for themselves for years to come. Attempting to force it against their will almost always leads to disaster. The value of persuasion over coercion even with adults can be seen compellingly in Parshas Vayetzei. Hashem commands Yaakov to leave Canaan, and Yaakov gives a lengthy speech to persuade his wives to leave based on Lavan’s behavior, rather than simply informing them that Hashem commanded them to go. My rebbi, Rabbi Henoch Lebowitz zt”l, explained that even for the Imahos , Yaakov knew that helping them arrive at this decision on their own would gain a different level of investment on their part than even a command directly from Hashem. Rabbi Yechiel Yaakovson shlit”a, in his excellent sefer recently translated in English under the title “Spare the Child,” discusses control without internalization. He writes, “internalization is the process through which a person’s ex- ternal action connects with the person himself, is integrat- ed into his personality, and shapes or reinforces his charac- ter. The function of chinuch is to train the child to want the right thing and to choose it.”
Getting back more specifically to the circumstances you describe, you mention that forcing your child to avoid these peers will cause resentment. You also note that there is nothing alarming at present, but you are wary of what the relationships with these “cooler kids” may bring in the future. Why not take the time now to invest in open communication with your child? Share with her openly, re- Share with her openly, re- spectfully, and with genuine belief in her and in her abilities to better understand some of the potential concerns you have as she is getting older and involved with a wider vari- ety of children and choices in her day to day experiences. Without needing to identify the specific child or chil- dren, you can share some of the areas of concern you may have, such as topics of discussion, inappropriate language, peer pressure, unsafe or unsupervised areas, and the like. Evaluate before sharing a concern if it is your own anxiety and reluctance to enable your children to start branching out more on their own (which is natural) or a legitimate concern worthy of sharing. Encourage your child to bring dilemmas that arise along the way back to you to discuss, process, and brainstorm together with encouragement, not judgment. Bring her “into” the weighing of variables and empower her to make choices balancing the values empower her to make choices balancing the values you maintain as paramount with the challenges that come up in her daily interactions, and you will be setting her up to navigate these dilemmas successfully for life! One more valuable note: Dr. David Pelcovitz talks about the need to “pick your family bumper sticker” “pick your family bumper sticker” — identify for your own family what is your mantra. What are the core What are the core values and priorities that set you apart in the ever-chang- ing world around us? This is increasingly important, par- ticularly in today’s world, with wide sources of influence in even what used to be the most homogenous of areas, and even more so in many communities where a wider array of family values and practices can be found among what is considered the “norm” for families in your Torah communi- ty. Share examples at your Shabbos table, invite discussion with your children, and demonstrate in practice what and why you hold most dear in your ongoing efforts to grow as a family. Bring your children into this process, believe and invest in them, and daven hard. With Siyata Dishmaya , we will see the fruits of our efforts years down the line!
SINCERELY, RABBI DRAIMAN *NOTE: Names and details have been changed to protect anonymity, including submissions from years past in other cities. If it sounds like it is about you or someone you know, it is not; these are common challenges many of us face. Please also note that every situation can be unique, and should always be presented to Daas Torah for individual feedback and guidance. Rabbi Rafi Draiman has been working in the field of chinuch for over 25 years. Helping children and families is a passion and a labor of love. He can be reached at chinuch@draiman.com.
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