Dear Fearful,
The challenge you are experiencing is not unique to your child or your community. In Torah homes throughout the world, from Lakewood to Florida, and from Milwau- kee to the Old City of Yerushalayim, parents have to face these challenges almost everywhere. Every area includes a range of families and backgrounds, although some areas may certainly have more widespread diversity than others. Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe zt”l, the renowned master mechan- ech of our previous generation, predicates his entire sefer on education, titled “Zeriyah U’Binyan B’Chinuch,” on the concepts of implanting Torah values combined with build- implanting Torah values combined with build- ing lifelong habits that will serve our children for life. When visiting the Bais Hamussar where Rav Wolbe taught in Eretz Yisroel many years ago, I remember Rav Wolbe describing the attempt by parents to exert control the attempt by parents to exert control on children which can be compared to putting one’s hand on a spring. The tighter we push down, the farther away the spring goes when the hand is removed. Similarly, effec- tive chinuch is achieved by nurturing and implanting the Torah values of what our family stands for and why it is im- portant, combined with practicing them in real life, so that a child can discern and choose for themselves for years to come. Attempting to force it against their will almost always leads to disaster. The value of persuasion over coercion even with adults can be seen compellingly in Parshas Vayetzei. Hashem commands Yaakov to leave Canaan, and Yaakov gives a lengthy speech to persuade his wives to leave based on Lavan’s behavior, rather than simply informing them that Hashem commanded them to go. My rebbi, Rabbi Henoch Lebowitz zt”l, explained that even for the Imahos , Yaakov knew that helping them arrive at this decision on their own would gain a different level of investment on their part than even a command directly from Hashem. Rabbi Yechiel Yaakovson shlit”a, in his excellent sefer recently translated in English under the title “Spare the Child,” discusses control without internalization. He writes, “internalization is the process through which a person’s ex- ternal action connects with the person himself, is integrat- ed into his personality, and shapes or reinforces his charac- ter. The function of chinuch is to train the child to want the right thing and to choose it.”
Getting back more specifically to the circumstances you describe, you mention that forcing your child to avoid these peers will cause resentment. You also note that there is nothing alarming at present, but you are wary of what the relationships with these “cooler kids” may bring in the future. Why not take the time now to invest in open communication with your child? Share with her openly, re- Share with her openly, re- spectfully, and with genuine belief in her and in her abilities to better understand some of the potential concerns you have as she is getting older and involved with a wider vari- ety of children and choices in her day to day experiences. Without needing to identify the specific child or chil- dren, you can share some of the areas of concern you may have, such as topics of discussion, inappropriate language, peer pressure, unsafe or unsupervised areas, and the like. Evaluate before sharing a concern if it is your own anxiety and reluctance to enable your children to start branching out more on their own (which is natural) or a legitimate concern worthy of sharing. Encourage your child to bring dilemmas that arise along the way back to you to discuss, process, and brainstorm together with encouragement, not judgment. Bring her “into” the weighing of variables and empower her to make choices balancing the values empower her to make choices balancing the values you maintain as paramount with the challenges that come up in her daily interactions, and you will be setting her up to navigate these dilemmas successfully for life! One more valuable note: Dr. David Pelcovitz talks about the need to “pick your family bumper sticker” “pick your family bumper sticker” — identify for your own family what is your mantra. What are the core What are the core values and priorities that set you apart in the ever-chang- ing world around us? This is increasingly important, par- ticularly in today’s world, with wide sources of influence in even what used to be the most homogenous of areas, and even more so in many communities where a wider array of family values and practices can be found among what is considered the “norm” for families in your Torah communi- ty. Share examples at your Shabbos table, invite discussion with your children, and demonstrate in practice what and why you hold most dear in your ongoing efforts to grow as a family. Bring your children into this process, believe and invest in them, and daven hard. With Siyata Dishmaya , we will see the fruits of our efforts years down the line!
SINCERELY, RABBI DRAIMAN *NOTE: Names and details have been changed to protect anonymity, including submissions from years past in other cities. If it sounds like it is about you or someone you know, it is not; these are common challenges many of us face. Please also note that every situation can be unique, and should always be presented to Daas Torah for individual feedback and guidance. Rabbi Rafi Draiman has been working in the field of chinuch for over 25 years. Helping children and families is a passion and a labor of love. He can be reached at chinuch@draiman.com.
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