Confessions of a payroll manager – Going global
Another episode in a series of occasional yet insightful/inciteful, anonymous and whimsical reports revealing the arcane, weird and sometimes torturous world of payroll frequented by payroll professionals. I ’ve always thought Crumbitt’s Confections was a very British brand as it is hard to imagine anyone outside of the UK enjoying munching on Chewrifficly Chewy Cookies while supping Yorkshire tea from a promotional mug. (Which is the only acceptable way to eat them.) However, it turns out that the complete ‘chewy cookie’ range has proven to be hugely popular in China. Who knew? Well, apparently Mr Crumbitt did; and so it was that two weeks ago I was called to a meeting with the eccentric old baker and told I had to go over to Hong Kong (HK) to set up payroll for a new sales team based there. Me? I’ve never even been to Weston-super-Mare. Well, I’m not one for shying away from a challenge, so, after I’d picked my jaw up off the floor and stuttered “Yes, Mr Crumbitt” and “Of course, Mr Crumbitt” a few times, I zombie-walked into the office where the entire team, misjudging my shell-shocked face, panicked and thought I’d been fired. Thankfully I managed to utter that I was being sent to HK just before Jace and Tom raced to the car park to fling themselves on the bonnet of Mr Crumbitt’s departing company car pleading for my reinstatement. After some mental adjustments – from seeing myself as a strictly Yorkshire girl (but holidays in Bognor) to a jet-setting international ‘consultant’ – I received the itinerary from our partner factory in HK and began planning. I had a grand total of two hours spare time to see the
sights of the city and, since it’s doubtful I would ever be going back, I thought to squeeze in as much as I could. I worked out a timetable of activities (meticulously presented in a colour-coded spreadsheet, of course) and written copious notes on the HK sales team and the factory machinations. Sitting at the airport waiting for my flight I felt like one of those ‘power bosses’ you see in ‘80s films – all big hair and shoulder pads. Ideally, I should’ve had a brick-size mobile phone held up to my ear barking orders at a quirky looking assistant with a heart of gold. Instead, I was looking (for the umpteenth time) through my meeting papers which I’d stored in a CIPP document wallet from the 2003 conference calculating whether I had time for one more just-in-case pee. I confess that the flight was spent in a rather less ‘power boss’ way than I would’ve hoped. I spent almost the entire duration checking the fabric of the left wing like some kind of aviation expert, stocking up on free snacks and clicking my jaw in increasingly bizarre ways in order to pop my ears. I’d barely touched solid ground before a swanky taxi whisked me to the meeting where I found myself in front of smiling strangers. Thankfully my nerves were calmed when two trays of Crumbitt’s Celebrational Crunchtastics were put in front of me. The familiar ‘snap’ of the biscuit coupled with the sweetness that followed made me feel at home, and I found myself speaking without any waver in my voice. It soon became clear that the HK team knew the British payroll system as well (if not better!) than I do. The chair of the meeting brought out a chart and started
explaining that they would withhold some fees to pay into the UK National Insurance scheme and work visas would be arranged. I took notes and started a conversation around the cost of living in HK, which resulted in me on my beloved calculator (a much-needed home comfort) calculating the cost in pounds based on currency conversion. I actually found the whole thing really exciting (though I got through way too many cookies and paid a heavy price on the plane home). Considering it was a fairly long meeting it went incredibly quickly, and I was soon saying goodbye, and setting off to try to cram in my two-hour whistle stop tour of the city. I sent my team updates of my activities with pictures of me pulling stupid faces in front of major landmarks. I’ve decided to embrace the silly when cameras come out – if you can’t pose, go #peakdaft instead. It’s been just over a week since I returned to the office. I am now officially payroll manager of UK and international payrolls and my Linkedin page looks super-impressive with the updated title. I never thought my job would take me around the world, but I guess these are the opportunities that can arise and surprise you. With this in mind I made sure to tell my team about my trip to HK in our meeting this week and finished up by advising them to always take an opportunity when it is presented to them as they never know where it may lead. o The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward | November 2018 | Issue 45 52
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