Volume 25, Issue 9
WisconsinChristianNews.com
Page 31
Healthy Relationships
By Lynn Fredrick February 2025 A lot of thoughts gone through my mind concerning this ar- ticle. I had been married for 20 years, had three have
because we love being together. We both wanted to have a mate that would be pres- ent but we both had the opposite in our his- tory. Today, I would say we are protective of our time together. There is a line in a fa- vorite movie of ours, “One Special Night.” The actor, James Garner tells the woman of his growing affection, actress Julie An- drews, and states, “I want to know all about you.” Terry and I have been together for 22 years. We are still engaged and committed to be present and know everything about each other. From that learning, we can bet- ter understand each other’s issues and help each other accept the things we can- not change, change the things we can and pray for God’s wisdom to know the differ- ence. At 70 years old, we are learning and growing together. Completion: Trust builds when people fin- ish things, including interpersonal transac- tions. A person who acknowledges care
children and at 38 years old, had never experienced anything but dysfunctional relationships. Looking back from 32 years, now, in the future from the day I entered recovery for addiction to porn, my world today is extremely different from back then. I think what I wanted from re- lationships was closeness but I didn’t know how to get there. For me it required a transformation. My education on rela- tionships was from porn and the secular world. The transformation required, only
lines to identify them. But for now, pick people who you can trust to keep your private discussions, private. “What is said here, stays here,” kind of people. Initiative: To be intimate one has to risk being first. Reaching out, expressing interest or care, inviting others to share in activities or problems, revealing needs and wants — all characterize initiative. This never stops, intimacy can only be maintained by the constant re- newal of initiative. Its opposite is the passive, isolated victim stance of someone who believes in abandonment. Some will become seduc- tive to avoid admitting they have needs and wants. They will rely on others to maintain the relationship. My wife Terry and I will both risk being first. It wasn’t always this way, we had to work hard at it. Both coming from very dysfunctional past relationships, the risking of asking for needs and wants carried adverse consequences. When Terry and I were dating, at the age of 50, we would shyly talk of needs and wants but often the direction to take was decided by the flip of a coin. That’s right, in our beginning, we could blame the coin and not our needs and wants. We had to start somewhere! Today we don’t rely on the coin, we just ask or just give a kiss, hugs and share words of affection continuously. We have learned to trust each other and demonstrate our love to and for each other daily. There are relationships that are not marriage. These also need initiative to maintain. Presence: To be emotionally present is to have your feelings avail- able, the whole person is totally engaged. People who are present listen and pay attention. They notice what happens and express their reactions. They are willing to spend time with no goal other than to be present. They seek and accept the presence of the other. On the dysfunctional side, emotions are constricted. Shame creates distance and deflects others efforts to connect since any affirmation is felt to be undeserved. The person is distracted, inattentive and self-preoc- cupied. Have you ever been talking with someone and you can sense them go somewhere else? They are looking past you at something or some-
God could bring, not by the laying on of hands, but one brought about by the hard work of replacing dysfunctional thoughts, beliefs and be- haviors with Biblical and healthy ones. In reference to my previous article, my fence was full of holes. Satan had punched so many holes into my life, in regard to relationships and sexuality, that the entire fence needed to be torn down and rebuilt. It all started, 32 years ago, in the basement of a church, in a com- munity 80 miles from where I lived. A small group of men and some women of 8 to 10 met there every Monday evening for a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. It was there that I began to learn, among many other things, the 6 capacities needed for intimacy to exist, from Dr. Patrick Carnes book, “Don’t Call it Love,” initiative, presence, com- pletion, vulnerability, nurturing, and honesty. Each provides energy to the growth of a relationship. I practiced these principles with my group for 11 years and with the men in my weekly Kiwanis, Bassmas- ter meetings and the people involved in other events for many years more. I was building relationships like I had never had. It was won- derful. The principles don’t work with everyone though. If the other person is stuck in dysfunctional belief and behavior patterns you’re best off to move on to others who are healthy. You can not change anyone but yourself. The recovery group was my foundation, the people there were all sick and tired of being sick and tired and were looking for a better way of life. It was the closest to the perfect, “safe place,” to begin building healthy relationships that I knew of. My church, at the time, was not a safe place. As the rumor mill got started, I’m sure they put me in the church bulletin, under prayer concerns, “Pray for LYNN FREDRICK, the diagnosis is “SEX ADDICT.” The intent was well- meaning, of course, as they ran it for several weeks so everyone, their friends, neighbors and relatives would know who and what to pray for. Thanks be to God, the church I am a part of today, is a much safer place. It is very important to find safe people to build relation- ships with and as we discuss the six capacities, it will give some guide-
and outreach lets others know that they have been heard so the mes- sage doesn’t have to be sent again and again. Working for closure on problems, responding to others’ needs and wants and expressing appreciation for others’ completed efforts all create a sense of safety and reliability. My wife, in my old, passed life, never would allow for completion. She had a list of my wrongs that was 32 years long and it would surface at every new and recurring issue that needed reso- lution. Closure was avoided at all costs. No way to live. I remember being in a recovery meeting and there was a disagree- ment between several people. I was even a little frightened as to what would take place. There was silence for a moment and a different per- son ask for some clarification on the issue that was raised. There was some discussion that went back and forth, involving the people at a difference. Soon one asked for forgiveness for the outburst and the misunderstanding. The other gave forgiveness and hugs were ex- changed. I never heard the issue raised again and the two remained good friends all the years I knew them. “Wow,” I thought, “is this pos- sible in real life?” Now I know it is possible! Most all of the people I have relationships with are good at completion. The ones that are not become distant relationships. I heard a man once say that every day presents enough issues to deal with, so don’t concern yourself with yesterday or tomorrow. I believe he is correct. Terry and I work at staying in the moment. We both strive to complete things as soon as possible. Leaky faucets or house maintenance are completed quickly. Issues of difference are discussed and resolved or in some instances accepted as a difference but not one that will hinder our love for each other. Of late, Terry and my relationship faced a challenge. Two weeks ago, I underwent total hip replacement of my left hip. Just yesterday I got to give up my walker. The guy who can do everything for himself, all of a sudden, could do very little for himself or anyone else. Terry really stepped up, taking the initiative to be all that it takes to be a care giver. Being able to be present for each other was a God gift. I could, without fear tell Terry of all my pain and she would selflessly do all she could to comfort, encourage and help me. She has been very present for me and has followed through on meeting my needs and wants. I continuously thank her for all she is doing and she merely states that I would do the same for her. She is correct, I would. The next article will address, vulnerability, nurturing and honesty, three more requirements for healthy relationships. Lynn Fredrick authored “Stand Firm,” a program of recovery from addiction, using the divine power of God. LynnFredrick.com
one else. The saying, “the lights are on, but no one is home,” comes to mind. They are not present. Someone who is, will be affirming and ask you to accept their affir- mation. They will encourage a feeling life where each person listens to, respects, seeks to understand and learn from one another’s issues. This was very evident in the recovery meetings I attended. Experiencing this was a new world for me. I liked it and learned to recipro- cate with my recovery group and other relationships in my life. Terry and I spend a lot of time together. We work to- gether, are each other’s best fishing partner, we go on long walks — well, we do most everything together, just
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