Hola Sober August

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VACATION and DRINKING!

On vacation I was drinking to celebrate, drinking to recover, or drinking to make something happen. Turns out, I don’t need alcohol for any of it. Vacation, life, and even ordinary days are so much better when you are operating as one aligned self. Taking off the mask of alcohol was painstakingly uncomfortable, but it wasn’t the same suffering that a life revolving around alcohol was. I’d pick the pain and discomfort of growing and healing over the suffering of opening the wound and pouring salt in on repeat any time. Truth be told, I was jumping out of my skin with nerves on my first sober vacation. Sobriety taught me not to abandon myself when I feel this way. As an anxious person, I feel this way often. As a sober person, I feel this way less. I no longer jump ship or leave my skin in these moments, but instead, pay attention. I notice myself. This was my drinking self’s worst nightmare. Now, I pay attention to myself. At times, I invite others to pay attention to me too. I let myself be seen. I am no longer hiding, pretending, and defending. I am allowed to show up to vacation and life as my real self. If you are working on this and heading into a vacation wondering how to stay on the path when alcohol is flowing around you, I hope my stories will inspire you to stay on your course. You can read the evolution of my sober vacations here Beach Vacay from Blackouts to Making Memories (history of drinking vacations) First Vacation After Quitting Drinking (one month sober) All Inclusive Beach Vacation Sober (First All Inclusive Vacation 18 months sober) Spring Break Sober (Spring Break 2 years Sober) How to Have Fun on an Alcohol-Free Vacation (Spring Break 3 years sober) When the Dive Bar No Longer Calls Your Name (Spring Break 4 years sober)

I found every excuse to prove otherwise, but looking back I can see I was addicted to alcohol. It was more than a hobby and a bad habit. My brain had been hijacked. I was trying to play it cool and make it look normal. I was denying myself so much truth. I was protecting my drinking because it felt like my lifeline. I now have so much compassion for myself back then. I started every morning by nearly punching myself in the face, and then wondering why I couldn’t be good enough, better, and get it together. The reason I am telling you all this is so you will believe me when I say sober vacations are better. It’s a fact. The anticipation of all-you-can-drink vacations was exciting, but it always came with near manic anxious energy and lots of question marks. Was I going to go off the rails or would I be able to keep it within the lines? What would everyone think? Would I get enough/not too much to drink? Feeling the freedom to drink almost as much as I wanted was a thrill, but it also came with the morning after feeling of not being able to get out of bed. I missed early morning yoga. I missed sunrises. Some days, I was still feeling nauseous by mid- afternoon. The hair of the dog technique to have a mimosa at breakfast or a morning beer always felt concerning to me. I always come home from my vacations needing a vacation. I was typically sick from my bender and emotionally angry and resentful.

Is this a good time? I thought it was. I was incapable of returning to real life.

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