The first time I tried alcohol, I got good and stinking drunk. My mom was out of town and my dad was “watching” us. On a weekend night, while he was snoring away on the sofa, I went into that liquor cabinet and stole the vodka. I wanted to try it because my boyfriend at the time always talked about drinking beers with his older brother. I figured getting drunk on my own was a good idea in case I did something stupid. Not knowing anything about alcohol, I served myself massive drinks, even now looking back I’m shuddering at how much vodka I dumped into that red plastic cup. Mixed with grapefruit juice. My sister, who is two and a half years younger than me, had to take care of me. I don’t remember vomiting, but I do remember her pouring me into the bathtub to try and sober me up. I showed her my vagina. I was 14. Throughout the rest of high school, I guess things went normally; we would steal alcohol or buy some when we could get it. I started smoking cigarettes at around 14, just before my 15th birthday. I didn’t inhale at first I just wanted to be cool. I remember it burning my tongue so badly, but I pushed through and persevered and was able to inhale and smoke properly a few months after that. In my memory, it was a lot easier to get pills and drugs than alcohol, but maybe the drugs just stand out more. My friends and I never went to big parties, for fear of getting busted by the cops and having that on our juvenile records, having to call our parents and do community service. So we would hang out at whoevers house was parentless at that particular time. We did cocaine, smoked pot, and took pills. A lot of pills – they’re so easy to get in the US. Especially opioid painkillers and amphetamines. Drinking wasn’t really the focus though, and I remember not liking it too much because it made me feel fuzzy and always gave me a strange pain in my neck. I preferred pills. My grades were good, I got into college, and never got in trouble with the cops or my parents (at least not for that anyway).
The first year of college was heartbreaking for me, I was terribly homesick and still dating my high school boyfriend (who had already been at college two years by that point). I now realize what everyone was telling me at the time- he was extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative. I wasn’t allowed to go out to parties with my (seven other) roommates, and I lost contact with my best friends from back home. I wound up just taking a lot of amphetamines and studying a lot. When we finally broke up at the end of my freshman year, that’s when everything changed. I started working in a restaurant that summer, everyone was older and were regulars at bars so I never got carded (asked for ID) when I went out with them. They did a lot of drugs too as only a restaurant staff truly can. Then when I went back to school I started going to fraternity parties with friends, and there was always an unlimited supply of beer if you were a girl. Then of course you start dating a frat guy, and you have extra unlimited access to everything. You’re automatically invited to every party and don’t have to wait in line for drinks. My sophomore year is when I tried mushrooms and ecstasy and it was also the year I went through my first major depression . I started cutting myself, and people started noticing. I went to seek professional help through college and I was able to see a psychologis t for free for 6 months, and I have very fond memories of her. She made me feel empowered. Once that was finished though I was stuck and still feeling bad, still drinking and using drugs, cutting myself while I was drunk. So I went to see a psychiatrist who put me on a very very strong antidepressant . We never talked during our appointments, she would just ask if I was still drinking and I would lie and say no , she would fill my prescription and that was that. In my junior year, I did a semester abroad in the south of France in Montpellier. I was 20 at the time so still unable to buy alcohol in the states but in France, you have to be 18. (16 really). I would probably say that's where my drinking really took off.
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