Confessions of a payroll manager – Takes the biscuit
Another episode in a series of occasional yet insightful / inciteful, anonymous and whimsical reports revealing the arcane, weird and sometimes torturous world of payroll frequented by payroll professionals. Y ou know that first time you see your teacher outside of school – in the supermarket or in the street – and it feels like the world’s tipped on its axis and reality has shifted slightly? Well, that’s what it was like last week when the team went on an away day and everyone saw each other not only out of the office but in casual clothes. I didn’t even recognise Evie in her baggy rainbow jumper and flared jeans – she always looked like Audrey Hepburn at work. It all came about after Mr Crumbitt – who is officially retired but, unofficially, has the boundless energy of an excited terrier – went on a ‘learn to be a leader’ day and returned spouting the virtues of team building and telling everyone he came across that they were doing a “good job” with a double-thumbs up and his scary but endearing toothless grin. As part of his ‘leadership project’, Mr Crumbitt decided to trial a ‘takes the biscuit’ away day – yes, I know, it really does! – with one of the factory teams and, lo and behold, it was my crazy team that were deemed the most ‘game’. I confess to not feeling incredibly enthusiastic about it at first. It was on a Wednesday (BACS submission day) and it was going to mess up my whole week. I expected a similar reaction from the rest of the team, but I was met with genuine whoops and some verbal sparring between Jace and Tom about who was the best team
player: Jace with his intimate knowledge of Crystal maze strategies or Tom with his ability to do ‘coffee break sudoku’ in less than three minutes; tough call. The team were in equally high spirits as we drove to the activity centre in the Crumbitt’s-branded minibus. After ear- piercing renditions of songs from Saturday night fever and the perennial favourite theme from The Flintstones (Wilmaaaaa!) we finally arrived – giggling and ready to go. We were all surprised to be greeted at the entrance by an almost sporty looking Mr Crumbitt: grass-green tracksuit, sweatband too low down on his head and a whistle hanging round his neck. While jogging on the spot – well, it was more like a shuffle really – Mr Crumbitt briefed me on the day’s activities and encouraged me to make it relevant to payroll. Well, okay… The day comprised several challenges which we had to approach as a team to solve. If we managed it Mr Crumbitt had promised to cover our coffee and tea fund for a month which, given the rate we go through hot beverages, was a very generous reward. As I watched Evie being helped across a rope bridge by Tom in a timed challenge, I tried to find a way to incorporate payroll and realised that supporting each other to hit a deadline was very much our bag. Unsurprisingly, we completed that challenge with flying colours. A numerical challenge was absolutely smashed by a combined effort; but as we’re so used to calculating gross to net pay, nominal interface etc it was a walk in the park. Even the logic puzzles didn’t faze us: with our constant problem-solving courtesy of a ‘glitchy’ system – sorry Sidney, but
you’re far from perfect – there’s little that foxes us for long. The highlight of the day for most of us was a task called ‘swamp stomp’ which involved forming a human chain over a mud lake and trusting the person either side of you to support the chain. There are still arguments going on about whether Tom deliberately let Jace fall in the mud as payback for the deluge of sentences beginning with “if we were on the Crystal maze”; but Jace, as a true team player, took it in his usual good humour. We finished with a ball-toss game which should’ve been fun but resulted in eight balls being thrown at me simultaneously because, apparently, I’m the first person the team think of in a pressure situation. While flattered that I’m a point of reassurance for them, my safe-pair-of-hands weren’t quite so steady or adept when catching so many balls at once. Travelling home, the sing-a-long of the outward journey was a distant memory as half the team fell asleep and the rest chatted quietly to each other. I reviewed my notes and was surprised to see how much I’d learnt from seeing the team in a different environment. We are a far more cohesive, supportive team than even I realised. Well…that is until the biscuits come out at tea break. There may be no ‘i’ in ‘team’ but there is one in cookie: so, when the packet’s opened, the gloves are off. o The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward | April 2018 | Issue 39 52
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