Confessions of a payroll manager – Parting is such sweet sorrow
Another episode in a series of occasional yet insightful / inciteful, anonymous and whimsical reports revealing the arcane, weird and sometimes torturous world of payroll frequented by payroll professionals. W hen you’ve worked on a payroll for as long as I have, the names and numbers that you see passing before your eyes become like old friends. Every payroll manager can recite the first ten names on the payroll. (In fact, there was a point in 2012 when I could recite to 86 employees – like some pi- loving genius!) Over time names disappear, but there are always a few that seem to stand the test of time and are present at the top of every report. At Crumbitts, this was employee ‘000001’, the erstwhile Pat Amberbridge. It didn’t matter whether the report was alphabetical or numerical, Pat – by virtue of her surname and long service – always topped it. Pat worked in the quality department and was there when the first Crumbitt biscuit rolled off the production line. She was literally ‘part of the furniture’; when I say literally, she really was. Barry Rumble (her co-worker and employee ‘000008’) often used Pat’s fantastic, flat-as-a-pancake hair-do as a make-shift table for his cuppa when she was sat next to him. When I received an email a few weeks ago from HR inviting me to a surprise retirement party for Pat it was like having the rug pulled from under me. Not only was Pat an incredibly useful table for Barry she was also an invaluable employee with an unmatched level of knowledge about biscuits, cakes and tea preferences of
“Get the kettle on Pat!”. She gave a lovely speech about how much Crumbitts was like home and that we “wouldn’t get rid of her that easily”. (I remember Mr Crumbitt saying the same thing when he retired and he’s been true to his word – though sometimes I wish he hadn’t.) I was doing fine observing Pat make her way round the room saying goodbye to everyone. But then she reached me and started talking about her “dear friend” who had always made sure she could pay the bills, sorted out her tax code, helped her understand her pension and always had a laugh with her. Well, that was it. I cried, she cried, then Evie joined in and, as predicted, soon we were a snivelling mess. Pat and I had a huge hug, wiped our eyes and said a final goodbye. And all I could think about was the next payroll report and that it would never be quite the same without employee ‘000001 Amberbridge’ at the top. Saying goodbye to a colleague reminds us that the names we see every week on the payroll are real people with real stories; and each is important and so is what we do for them. To Pat Amberbridge, the payroll team were her supportive colleagues and friends. We will miss her on this week’s payroll but I suppose we’ll soon get used to the new entry at the top of the listing: ‘000008 Barry Rumble’ – unless it’s alphabetical of course: tough luck, Barry. ❏ The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
everyone in the company. Every Crumbitt company photo adorning the walls, desks and trophy cabinets of the factory had Pat in it. Going down a corridor in Crumbitt’s was like Scooby Doo running past an endless table of Scooby snacks: there’s Pat at the Confections Awards, Pat shaking Prince Edward’s hand on a mock ‘work experience’ visit, Pat having her head shaved in 1988 to raise money for ‘Tea- brewers of the world unite’. I wasn’t the only one to feel discombobulated, as the whole team felt bereft at Pat leaving and struggled to get their heads round the fact that she’d worked at Crumbitt’s for 49 years which was longer than most of us had been alive. Jace, who loves stats, worked out that Pat had been paid more than 2,500 times; and I pointed out that she had gone from receiving her pay in cash in a brown envelope with a staple through the notes, to payment into her bank. Jace clearly thought I was joking when I told him about being paid in cash and on mentioning notes he asked “In notes? Notes of what?”. We’ve been through a lot with Pat over the years: maternity leave, National Insurance exemption, sickness, auto- enrolment, the end of contracting out. Payroll really is a pretty accurate record of a life lived. Anyway, it was Pat’s retirement tea party last week and I took Evie along under strict instructions not to cry – because if she did, I’d cry, then she’d cry even more, and we’d both end up a great snivelling mess. When Pat walked in she was greeted by a standing ovation, the raising of mugs of tea and cheers of “Where’s me brew?” and
| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward | November 2017 | Issue 35 54
Made with FlippingBook flipbook maker