TALKING IT OYER with Dr, Clyde M, Narramore
Dr. Narramore, graduate of Columbia University, New York City, is a Rationally known psychologist. He is the director of one of America's
ADOPTION Q. My husband and I are faced with a problem that requires a profes sional opinion. We have two children of our own, ages eight and five. We are unable to have any more of our own. Since we love children, we have applied for the adoption of an infant and have already received our parental ap proval. Should we explain this to our own children? And when should we ex plain it to our adopted child? Any thoughts on this sub j e c t would be greatly appreciated. A. I know a family who thought they would like to adopt a child. They had three or four children of their own, so they decided to make it a family affair. They brought their family together for a conference and said, “We probably will not have any more children of our own. What do you think about adopting a baby?” Then they discussed with the chil dren what the adopted baby would be like, how small it would be, how much attention a baby requires, some of the advantages and the disad vantages. By this approach, the chil dren felt they had a part in the affirmative decision which resulted in great joy and co-operation. One of the greatest joys that can come to any couple is to plan for a child! It makes little difference whether the planning is for an adopted child or for the “ usual kind.” In fact, most couples who adopt a baby want one so badly and have wanted one for so long that this anticipation is every bit as great as though it were their own flesh and blood. There are two points of view about whether parents should tell adopted children that they are adopted. Those who think they should not say that it is dangerous to tell a child. “ Keep it a secret,” they say, “ and he’ll never know the difference. If you tell him, he may never really love you and he’ll resent any discipline you must give him.” However, as I have worked with many, many parents who have adopt-
largest psychological clinics— The Christian Counseling center in Rosemead, California.
ed children, I believe that it is cer tainly best to tell a child about it. Here are several reasons: • Life is best when it is lived above board. Tell the truth: be kind, but be frank. Don’t try to live a lie. • The child may find it out any way so it is better if the parents tell him first. Many times friends or neighbors or relatives who know that the child is adopted say something unwittingly. Finding it out in this “ round-about” manner is a very un happy experience for the child. He would much rather have heard it from his own parents. • If parents do not tell a child they may always have guilt feelings about not telling him. • A child’s love for his parents does not depend upon blood relation ship. Children do not need to be born into a family in order to love their parents. A child responds to those who love and care for him. At what age should a child be told that he is adopted? Tell him suffi ciently early so that he will “ just always know it.” Don’t wait until he is old enough to receive a surprise or a shock from the news. It would be good to continue to tell him from time to time throughout his child hood. Above all, tell him that you wanted him more than anything else in the world, and you chose him to be your very own.
to us. He tells her all about the train ing and sends pictures, but not to us. This hurts me and I have asked myself if it is just plain jealousy. I don’t want to act hurt, martyred, possessive or otherwise immature, but what should my reaction be? Is it possible to guide my son so he won’t get serious so young? She shows little evidence of spiritual growth. But to her he wrote that he never could have gotten through the first few weeks of army life without her letters. A. I am sure that your 18-year-old son is your pride and joy and that you have given much of your time and energy to him. Perhaps you have sacrificed much materially and given him every advantage you could. Now he is away and you find yourself in a very different role. As a mother, you are still impor tant to him, but he is growing up and learning independence. You must then develop a new relationship with him, endearing yourself to him by your understanding and your will ingness to share him with others. It is not easy for a mother to do but it is the one way you can hold him. Your son is probably not so much in love with a particular girl as he is with his image of a “woman.” This girl is merely a symbol of young womanhood. Now that he is away from home, he is dreaming of a home of his own some day, and he thinks of this girl. The other boys talk about their girl friends so he has to have one too. He knows also that if he says flattering things to her, she will be happy and react favorably to him. You need to pray for this boy and write him often. Continue to send him things. After awhile, he may meet another girl, but you will al ways be his mother!
MOTHER DISLIKES SON'S GIRL FRIEND
Q. Recently our 18-year-old son en tered basic army training and we have tried to write to him often. But at a community luncheon last week, the mother of a 15-year-old girl friend of his gave me some news that really disturbed me. He writes letters to her, but only post cards
THE KINO'S BUSINESS
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