Vol 9. Edition 6
News from CannaTown
Page 9
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - As you're about to discover, there are worse things than waking up teetering on a plank on the edge of a cli over the ocean. Taurus - is is the third time you've been pulled over, this month alone! Seems like you need to start driving frontwards again. Gemini - Your cat is an asshole for eating all those ballots, but at least they were for the other guy. Cancer - Looks like you’re gonna have to roll up your sleeves and kill two stones with one bird. Leo - Don't tell Aquarius, but the Stars just com- pletely pulled that fortune from a horse’s ass. Virgo - ere’ll be time for questions a er you’re booked, but the biggest is, did your Grandma know she asked to be picked up near a crowd of hookers?
Libra - It's actually all that chloroform that's making you sleepy, but you're right, the holiday turkey dinner sure ain't helpin'. Scorpio - You’ll never nd true happiness, but you will nd a fair-condition Jim Fregosi card--and at least eight people would call that a consolation prize of sorts. Sagittarius - Give it up. Nobody likes your puppet shows, especially not on the subway. Capricorn - You should probably be angrier to nd out your steak was 3D-printed, but it really didn’t cook any di erent on the radiator . Aquarius - Finally you will meet the voice in your head; his name is Milton and he's a singer. Pisces - While you sit in a pool of your own diarrhea, your ex, shouting death-threats as your landlord breaks down the door of your Section 8 apartment, you’ll realize, your parents f*cked up.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
Eco Protestors Bi It Again for emselves Environmental activists this week bi ed it again when they glued their gaping, open mouths to a glass wall-divider at a Cracker Barrel in Dankendorf. Police say ve protes- tors, dressed in oil-stained lab coats, a xed their faces to the glass in protest of the restaurant chain for "polluting the earth with gut-wrenching pseudo-food." Despite subsequent screams of excruciating pain, most of those patronizing the establishment paid little to no attention. According to the Cracker Barrel employees, the smell of the cuisine throughout the room caused ram- pant, recurring gag reexes that nearly sent one vandal to the hospital as he asphyxiated on vomit. Another cried as she shat her pants in front of the crowd. “I don’t know what message they’re trying to convey,” said one diner, “but it’s most certainly overshad- owed by all the groveling for help.”
Local man completely uninterested, pE7
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
DC Comics releases totally pitch-black full- length lm with no sound......................... E2 Now is the worst time to buy a $14.1 million dollar swamp mansion.............................. F6 Zuck’s virtual sex dungeon adds butts ......... ............................................. ........... ...... G13 Britain f***ed......................................... H1
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