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Dispatches from the Highlands
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Cannatown News Recession Coming, Rich Asshat Tells People Living in Tent City
A recession is coming, an annoying, obvi- ously unaware asshat announced at a solo press conference in the middle of the tent city on Dro Boulevard yesterday. Although uninvited, the bastard in a suit gathered ap- proximately zero watchers during his thirty minute address, in which he warned, things are about to get tough next year. “It’s gonna be hard to a ord a home, much less rent,” the stient jerko announced, “and grocery bills are going to start adding up! Be prepared to cut some non-essential things from your life, like that two week vaca- tion to the Maldives, or your summer home in the Catskillz.” e rich fudgepacker was likely referencing the economic downturn marked by a plum- meting GDP, record ination, mega-corpo- rate pro ts, and housing and commercial real estate bubbles, all of which, he said, would likely begin a ecting those living in tents and broken-down RV’s. And while the completely
out-of-touch pissant warned that food securi- ty was at stake for all Americans, he reected how the next couple of years would be the best times to make draws on equity or 401k’s to double-down on stock portfolios. “Take this time to prepare for the worst,” the shitbrained prick said in the near-deserted encampment. “Is that f*cker using a Powerpoint?” sneered one passerby on her way to the local work- force center. “If I could a ord some extra tomatoes I’d be chucking them at his head.” Although the feckless forecaster couldn’t give an exact time that world commerce would come to a crashing halt, he did point out how it would be just as if the hose was turned o , much like the sole garden hose providing running water to the bivouac. “Just imagine, you put your kids through Yale with this hose, updated your yacht, maybe even put in a second pool-- and all of a sudden it's turned o ," he said, "No one will be spared."
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