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Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
Cannatown News
Town Breaks Ground on 10-mile Growhouse
e Highest Authority Since 2009
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Construction has begun on Cannatown’s dystopian 420-foot-wide and 10-mile-long “Mega-Ass Grow” in the county’s Rezzy Hills Province. Recent drone footage has revealed a bunch of people digging a big trench in the pastures and foothills to begin laying the foundation of the growhouse, also known as “ e Chunky,” the rst to be developed as part of the $420 billion NEAT project. According to its ocial website, e Chunky is a “stonerized revolution that puts ganja rst, and then humans, providing an unprecedented place to hang out with couches and be with, like, nature." e overall aim of NEAT is to rede ne the concept of a stoner hangout, putting them “right at their source of happiness,” with direct access to other necessities like munchies and safe VR. e linear growhouse will have no walkways, no real equipment, except maybe fans, and the stu to make pizza and stu , and will run on a bunch percent renewable energy. “We’re going to put all the ganj into huge vaporizers and burn it for energy, and, all get high at the same time,” said project manager Allison Troy. “We’ll be 110% ecient, and, like, 1000% stoned, if that's even possible.” Built 420 feet above sea level, it’s eventually set to accommodate 420 people who will live in sporadically-arranged communes and have access to everything they need within a 2-4 minute electric unicycle ride. “NEAT is leading a team of the coolest, most stoni- est cadets in making this a reality,” Troy said. “People will wonder why civilization ever stopped living in giant greenhouses.” OTHER HEADLINES Bi-Annual Battle of Douchebags Begins A nation decides who will lead them into oblivion pg 150 Ye goes skeet shooting in nursing home cafeteria pg 157 "Person who falls o stages" injured at event pg 166 How to avoid showers pg 171 **Brought to you by underhead Real Estate** “A single, loud clap with every purchase.”
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