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Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
Cannatown News
Stubborn Train Rider Refuses to Step Down
Loyal Diggers Dig rough Ice for Dirt A di erent kind of ice shing is attracting fans again this weekend as some of the best known local diggers of the Can- natown Hole will take part in the Ice-Breakin' Bowl, a tradition dating almost back to the cre- ation of the Hole itself. e vast swath of mud will welcome audiences from far and wide to cheer on their favorite 'shovel-shams' as they burst through the frozen layers and keep diggin'! Gates open at noon, dig- ging begins at 4:20.
A train rider asked to depart a train car at line’s end, says he is refusing to step down. Claiming to be the victim of an ill-func- tioning public transportation system, a trenchcoated man asking to be called “Perkins” has been shouting at any crowd that will stop and listen. Meanwhile, o cials are quietly discussing how they might even get the train up and moving again, even with Perkins parked atop one of the few platform stools. “Our sentiments are o the re- cord, but our o cial statement is, ‘Screw this Guy,’ says cheef platform manager Jessie Nu - grass. “You can put it in print, or, we also made Tshirts.” It’s not entirely clear what Perkins needs or wants, as he seems to lack the ability to form coherent sentences or even form logical arguments. When asked what the problem was with the train he’d ridden, he began waxing about “aliens in
the ra ers” and “computer chips with vaccines in them.” Every- thing, he says, is a shadowing vengeance punishing him and his family by having the train end predictably and fairly, for him in particular. “ is is where the train stops for everyone else,” Nu green noted. “ is guy’s crazy if he thinks it’s gonna keep going just because he’s embarrassed to get o .” “It’s only fair man,” Nu added, telling Perkins to “get the hell o his soapbox.” A few train conductors are working out plans to move the train a few feet at least so that those who need to ride again can get going. But they are unsure how Perkins will react, once he cannot re-enter the train again without stepping down o the stool. “At that point, if he dies on that little hill of his, so be it , “Nu said. “We made a Tshirt for that one too.”
PETRI DISH OF BRAIN CELLS LANDS WEEK- END SHIFT AT GODFATHER'S A local petri dish of brain cells, long the topic of sci- entic news over the last year, has landed a part- time job at Godfather’s Pizza, having beat out an estimated 10 applicants for the slow-paced mid-a er- noon shi . Management will start the cells bussing tables, then will move them to the register if the cells take initiative, and live longer than 12 hours.
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