Kinetic PT - April 2019

APRIL 2019

847-515-8970 •


A few years ago, I was driving to the clinic on one of those classic early-spring mornings. It was the last day of March; the air was crisp and leaves were beginning to return to the trees. I wasn’t paying much attention to the beautiful weather, though. I was too busy listening to a truly incredible report on the radio. According to astronomers, Jupiter and Saturn would align with Earth the following morning. These experts theorized that the combined gravitational pull of these gas giants would very slightly counteract our planet’s gravity, making us all momentarily lighter. In fact, the astronomers claimed that if you jumped at the exact moment of alignment, you’d be able to feel the extra hang time. I tuned in to the same station the following day. They’d set up a timer synced to the planets’ orbits to give listeners an exact time they needed to jump. Sure enough, the countdown started, and I’ll readily admit I was tempted to pull over and jump. In fact, if I didn’t have morning appointments to get to, I would have.

“PEOPLE WERE TELLING THE STATION THEY’D FELT IT! SOME CLAIMED TO HAVE STAYED AIRBORNE FOR A SECOND OR TWO, WHILE OTHERS HAD EVEN WILDER CLAIMS ABOUT WEIGHTLESSNESS.” It’s innocent gags like this that make me appreciate April Fools’ Day. Sure, we all know those people who take their pranks too far or fail to stick the landing. The As the moment passed, the phone calls came flooding in. People were telling the station they’d felt it! Some claimed to have stayed airborne for a second or two, while others had even wilder claims about weightlessness. Just as I was beginning to regret my decision to stay behind the wheel, a perceptive caller poured cold water on the whole experience. “To everyone who just tried this, remember that it’s April 1.” I couldn’t help but laugh — they’d gotten me good.

best jokes are the ones where everyone’s laughing in the end, and this one certainly brightened my day. Occasionally the Ulmer family will get in on the fun, with Zack trying to get us to believe one wild story or another, or Emilee and me telling the boys school is canceled — nothing quite so elaborate as gravity and planetary alignments. Maybe I should take a cue from the radio station and plant the seeds of the joke a day ahead of time. Then again, I should probably leave the pranks to the professionals. So, take it from me, folks — if you hear any wild stories as we approach the first of the month, it’s probably best to tune it out and enjoy the spring weather. If you’re looking for real ways to lose weight and jump higher, diet and exercise can help. Of course, if it hurts to walk, let alone jump, our therapists will be happy to help get you moving again.

That’s no joke,

–Mike Ulmer | 1

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