Case notes
‘Feeling happy and in control of our relationship with money starts with understanding the choices we make’
REFERENCES 1. Freud S. On beginning the treatment (further recommendations on the technique of psycho-analysis I). In: Strachey J (ed). The standard edition of the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud vol XII (1911–1913). London: Hogarth Press; 1958. 2. Religion, sex and politics? The M word is Britain’s biggest taboo. [Press release.] YouGov research commissioned by Lloyds. Press release, 7 March 2019. 3. Freud S. Letter from Sigmund Freud to Wilhelm Knöpfmacher, August 6, 1878. Letters of Sigmund Freud 1873-1939. 51:6-7. 4. Freud S. Three essays on the theory of sexuality: the 1905 edition. London: Verso; 2017. 5. Freud S. A disturbance of memory on the Acropolis (1936). In: Strachey J (ed). The standard edition of the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud vol XXII. London: Hogarth Press, 1964. 6. Freud S. 1856-1939. Beyond the pleasure principle. New York: Liveright Pub Corp; 1961.
as destructive as active fi nancial self-sabotage – not negotiating a salary or just generally neglecting our fi nances can be subtle ways in which we lack self-care, in which we express a lack of healthy entitlement. With time we saw that preserving the debt rather than repaying it meant, for Steve, that there was still hope that his parents would change their minds, that they would seek reparation and fi nally apologise or even o ff er to repay it. Not dealing with this loan was fi nancially destructive but it served a psychological purpose – it protected him from facing the painful reality of his parents’ choice and accepting that these were the parents he had. It protected him from the painful work of mourning the loss of the parents he, in his mind, wished he had. But there was another psychological motive for preserving the debt as it was. As long as the debt was there it was concrete proof of the ‘damage’ the parents had in fl icted on Steve – and of course what hurt the most was the emotional damage since Steve’s current fi nancial situation could have allowed for the loan to easily be repaid. In one session I asked him what it would mean if he settled his debts and without a thought he answered: ‘That they won.’ I was curious about this and asked him to expand. On the one hand he had already proven to them that pursuing a career in the arts didn’t mean he became a ‘starving artist’ – so in a sense he had already won because he managed a successful career despite their dire warnings. However, this wasn’t about winning a rational argument – this was about the emotional pain they had caused him. In his mind his parents would have felt ‘o ff the hook’ if Steve fi nally was debt-free, yet his pain was still there and the loan was the visible scar. In his mind the debt could be ‘dangled’ before them and evoke a shame he hoped they’d feel about their choice to cut him o ff . With time we also came to see that the fallout with his uncle who had generously agreed to give him money when he was a struggling student was also a psychological defence – he was displacing anger that belonged to his
parents onto an undeserving recipient because it was too di ffi cult to express it to them. Steve’s therapy ended before we had time to properly work through a lot of the feelings. While he was managing to make positive changes to his fi nancial situation, in the therapy I started to be experienced in the transference as the ‘ungiving parent’. With Emma too the relationship began to su ff er, and what began to emerge was another defensive aspect of this debt. Steve was in fact quite ambivalent about their relationship and many of the ‘next steps’ (like moving in together, starting a family) had been put on hold until they were debt-free. Because of his history Steve experienced Emma’s desires to move forward in the relationship as demands (like his parents’ demands), and his response was to withdraw rather than risk being vulnerable to feeling controlled or betrayed ever again. Helping our clients unpack and understand what emotions drive their relationship with money is key to helping them make changes, break habits and act in a way that improves their fi nancial wellbeing. Feeling happy and in control of our relationship with money starts with understanding the choices we make. For Steve, seeing that there was a part of him that was psychologically invested in keeping the debt as it was, was an important turning point as it allowed him to ask himself: is there a di ff erent way to deal with my pain, my anger and my fear of closeness? He could see his behaviour for what it was – a self-sabotage unconsciously orchestrated to spite his parents and cope with his feelings but which in reality was harming only him. Only then could he face a conversation with his bank about improving the terms of the student loan. He also had to separate the anger that belonged to the parents from the relationship with his generous uncle before he could begin to negotiate a repayment schedule with him. Steve’s debt was full of meaning and, like many of my clients, changing the behaviour starts with understanding its meaning. ■ * Names and identi fi able details have been changed
About the author Vicky Reynal MBACP is a psychodynamic psychotherapist working in private practice in London. She writes a column on the psychology of money for the Daily Mail . Her book, Money on Your Mind: the psychology behind your financial habits , is published on 9 May by Lagom, and will explore how past experiences can impact our
relationship with money, and the various symbolic meanings it takes in our lives and relationships.
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