King's Business - 1970-07

A generation or so ago, girls were taught that sex was something to be tolerated in marriage as a biological necessity but not necessarily to be enjoyed. Today almost everywhere young people have a healthy appetite for the fulfillment of the sex experience in love, as a normal part of life. But while young people no longer have to fight the taboos and ignorance of their grandparents, they also have decisions and choices to make which were never a bother to the average grandmother fifty years ago in her girlhood. Many times the right help in making these deci­ sions is not easy to find, despite all the enlighten­ ment of this age. This is especially true where girls are concerned. Far too many girls are reluctant to talk with their mothers about sex, and too few moth­ ers are willing or able properly to discuss the matter with their daughters. Certain questions about sex come up again and again when I counsel with young people. Here are some helpful guidelines for them in working out their own decisions about these serious matters: 1. Boys’ feelings about sex are very different from girls' feelings. There most certainly is a great emo­ tional and biological difference between the feelings of teen-age boys and girls regarding sex. The sexual drive comes to boys much younger as a rule, and as a great rushing emotion— an immediate, specific desire, quite separate from any feelings of love or tenderness. While some girls are able to separate sexual desires from love, most of them tend to asso­ ciate sexual desire with romantic love. Often girls report that simply to “ be with a fellow" on a date goes far toward satisfying sexual desire. Unlike her boyfriend, a g irl’s sexual desires and her heart work together, figuratively, whereas for him, sex may be an achievement, unassociated with love at all. Boys are likely to be much more casual about sex than girls, but they are also much more urgent to go through with the experience in the moment of sexual encounter. Unless a girl understands this type of masculine psychology, she is bound to be confused when a boy makes advances or proposi­ tions to her. It does not mean that he loves her, necessarily; and in most cases of teen-age sex expe­ rience, he does not love her nor understand the basic principles of deep love. It is not really an insult to a boy when he makes “ passes” at a girl if she refuses him. He naturally expects this in most cases. Nor should she be too quick to condemn him for expressions of his ardor, which he little understands. A g irl’s much slower- rising, and longer-lasting emotions, can be her most cherished protection against his rushing, impatient urgency. The consequences of her yielding to him will be far most serious for her than for him.

Among the unmarried girls who have come to counsel with me, almost without exception, all who have lost their virginity deeply regret it afterwards. Even though many of them married the boy afterward, they still expressed bitter regret that they surrendered to him before marriage. Also, an overwhelming ma­ jority of them report that the husband never has seemed to show them the respect they have so much wanted from him after marriage. Part of this, of course, could be the reverse affect of the psychology of guilt working on them, making them feel they cannot demand the respect from their husbands they could have had they not yielded to his wishes. Most girls readily admit that their action in yield­ ing to the fellow was based on their current “ feel­ ings” rather than on love. About 50% of all girls who engage in premarital sex do so to spite their parents, or in an attempt to "work out" some other problems they have. Sometimes it is a desperate way a teen-age girl has of bringing her parents to grant her request tor marriage against their better judg­ ent. Almost all “ fast” girls are using sex to try and work out some far deeper problem which often has little to do with sex as such. It is a way to gain rec­ ognition, win acceptance, and so on. But the tragedy is that she creates for herself far more and worse problems than her “ solution” ever can work out. Hardly anything on earth is less secure than a teen­ age “ affair” with a fellow. One popular counseling psychologist said, “ I have never met a girl who was seduced without some­ how having ‘asked for it.’ A boy will try without neces­ sarily expecting anything to happen. When a girl honestly and tactfully refuses, he is not really hurt or angry — and sometimes is actually relieved to be assured that ‘she’s really a nice g irl.’ ’’ Some­ times a fellow will act terribly let down and hurt, but it is generally “ put on.” If the girl stands on her own, he’ll be back if he is worth anything; if not, the girl is better off never to see him again! 2. What about petting? How far should one go? Some girls make a game of petting and pride them­ selves on being able to “ turn it o ff” when the game gets too warm. This is a sad mistake. For one thing, this attitude is unfair to the fellow, who may feel that he has been “ led on,” or taken advantage of. Some psychologists believe that this sudden shutting off of passion leaves both boy and girl in an unhealthy state of tensions and frustrations, and may even hinder sexual compatibility later on in marriage. How­ ever, to yield to it can wreck everything for them both, and may even ruin their future as suitable marriage partners. The devastating “ guilt complex" which young people often develop from pre-marital sexual playing around can be a horrible nightmare indeed for married persons later on! I have seen it at work far too many times, killing the joys of love and wreck- 17

*Dr. Deal is a state licensed counselor in Marriage, Family and Youth relations with many years of experience.

JULY/AUGUST, 1970

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