Confessions of a payroll manager – I want to ride my bicycle
Another anonymous episode revealing the world of payroll featuring payroll avatar, Penelope Fortham (‘Penny’), who is payroll manager at the nation’s favourite biscuit makers Crumbitt’s Confections. I t’s 6 a.m. (!) and I’m in the office already. Nothing to do with being keen, but everything to do with Jace and his ridiculous ‘early morning circuits’. Apparently, it’s to promote my wellbeing – which I think would be far better served spending longer in bed dreaming about Ryan Gosling. Unsurprisingly, this started with another of Mr Crumbitt’s grand ideas. To be fair, it’s a really good idea – but it just slightly backfired on yours truly as I showed way too much enthusiasm, which got Jace’s attention. A few weeks ago, Mr Crumbitt did one of his wince-inducing, grit-your-teeth moments when, red-faced and smiling, he proclaimed: “By George I think I’ve got it!”. After being calmed with a cup of tea and a biscuit he explained his new idea using a poster he’d nabbed from the local cycle shop. The poster said: “Join your workplace cycle to work scheme, the tax efficient way to commute”. After a bit of googling we found out that the initiative could help employees to buy a bicycle and all necessary accessories using deductions from the payroll. I was rather excited by the thought of a new travel initiative. I’d taken full advantage of the car scheme (and loved my new car) so why not see about doing the eco thing and trying a bike too? I confess that Mr Crumbitt’s excitement coupled with my growing interest in the
idea possibly led to some less than sensible choices on my part. I agreed to Mr Crumbitt organising the launch of the scheme himself – why would I agree to that?! – and, and this is the worst bit, I allowed Jace to convince me to join his early morning cycling club which is a division of his Crumbitt’s triathlon training plan. Only one of all those words interests me: when ‘club’ means a lunch sized chocolate biscuit snack. I was in full-on ‘yay, bikes!’ mode and saw myself as a natural cyclist who’d been put off too early. Hmmm. Anyway, that day the team and I started to plan things in readiness. We set up the scheme on the payroll and were excited to see the difference it made as a pre-tax and NICs deduction. Turned out you could save up to 42% of the cost and buy cycle accessories and clothing which, as Jace explained, could “make your wheels look sick” – which didn’t immediately strike me as a positive thing but, apparently, it is. The team also designed posters and we contacted the scheme supplier to request some freebies (which is always an essential part of launching a new initiative). Freebies can be a sore point in the office as whenever we get sent anything – pens, novelty erasers, etc – they always disappear in the first few hours. As the scheme started to come together, I thought I’d avoided Jace’s early morning cycling club…but on day three he turned up lycra-clad at 4 a.m. at my front door with a spare bike! I managed to convince him to do a few laps, which gave me time to get out of my Harry Potter nightshirt with the wonky hem and into something resembling cycling gear. Still, 5 a.m. didn’t feel much
better if I’m honest. So, the early mornings were one thing – but then came the scheme launch. Rule number 1, Penny: do not take your eyes off Mr Crumbitt and never give him free rein! Which is how we found ourselves watching Mr Crumbitt burst through a giant paper cookie on a penny farthing – wearing yellow lycra so luminous I swear I could see people’s skulls in the glow – throwing puncture repair kits to the crowd. Thankfully, despite the somewhat surrealist approach to the launch, we had a lot of interest across the company receiving fifty applications from employees by the afternoon. The benefits of cycling were as attractive as the savings. For example, it’s proven that if you cycle to work you are 40% more motivated when you arrive than if you drive. (As I sit here at 6 a.m. I’m not entirely sure about that.) Mr Crumbitt also agreed that the employer’s NICs savings could be used to purchase some additional cycle sheds and to get in a trainer to deliver cycling safety lessons. All in all – early morning starts notwithstanding – the scheme has been a success. It’s great that employees are seeing payroll as a team that can not only save them money but also champion their wellbeing. Now, if I can just figure out how to get through to Jace about my wellbeing I might actually get a lie-in. o The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward | June 2019 | Issue 51 54
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