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Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
Opinion
ey Freakin' Used My Idea for "Starry"
By Hugh Jollydab So guess you saw they're changin' over Sierra Mist to Starry? Pretty random, right? Well guess what, I think it's part my fault. I shit you not brethren. See I was part of this group where they put us all together in a room and we talked about sodas for four hours. And damn! Boring as shit y'all! I was
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OTHER HEADLINES Sneaky Pete o ers to visit toxic mess Sneaky Pete caused "I can't believe the other guy won't show up to my issue." pg 150 Housing market pops, then sizzles, then wa es a bit pg 157 Outrage a er your uncle Clark frees the nipple pg 166 Debt ceiling collapses, 332 million hurt pg 171 **BROUGHT TO YOU by KIM'S NUNCHUCKS** “More than just a couple sticks on a chain” ey were speechless, so then I was like, "Look, when I drink this shit, I close my eyes and see stars," probably because of the gnar wax all day long, so they should name it "Starry." And whata we do with all the old Sierra Mist shit, they asked. And I was totally like, “Just print freakin’ Starry, out on some freakin' labels, and wrap that shit over them. Ain't nobody complaining about lack of Sierra Mist and all." And the group of people rubbed their chins and talked all quiet to themselves and I was like, you know I got this. ese arms throw mad discs down at the Tower Ridge course. And this mind? It's impeccable. e other day I was keeping up with the last-place contestant on Jeopardy! And I was like, even though I’m not a mad genius, you realize, I could, like, be on Jeopardy ! Unless they don’t let you use your phone. gettin all fed up about the second hour especially when this granny was goin' on something about how much she drinks Fanta and misses her cat, and this other guy said the exact same damn thing, only he was missin' his wife. Four hours ! So by the time they came to Sierra Mist, I just about lost my mind. I just let them have it. For like, ten straight minutes I just cussed their heads o about that terrible so drink. And I was already riled up anyway because I was between satchels so I told them, I'd rather put that shit in the bong than drink it. ey seemed a little bit hurt about the bong thing. en I pointed out how there's no way of telling what kind of fruit goes into that shit! Like, is it some kinda melon?
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