FEEL... IT’S ABOUT THE
I learned that this person knew that I had kissed a woman (still shocking) because they went out of their way to send me a drunken text saying, “I found out you straight!!!!” Yes, with that many exclamation marks. I really wasn’t sure what to do in this situation. I could go to the effort of pointing out that actually I’m bi and that my identity is an important part of who I am and how I see myself, but if they’re the kind of person to send that text, I’m not sure I really care to make the clarification. It served as kind of a reminder though, that regardless of my actions, some people are still going to see me however they want to see me. Even though I’m bi and don’t hide it, or even though I present myself in a way that doesn’t really fit into the traditional idea of a man. People might still make assumptions about me, and I can choose whether or not that also affects how I see myself. It’s not radical in this day and age to say that only ever having girlfriends doesn’t make me less bi, and I really do believe that to be true. But to use that argument the other way, having partners of other genders therefore wouldn’t make me feel any more bi than I already do. As someone in this position where I assume many others have been, facing a regular, presumed heterosexuality (or homosexuality for other people) which could come from anyone around me, my personal sense of self and my bi validation has almost always come from within. Even when I could point to the “proof” of having gone on dates with men, or the copious crushes I’ve had on non-binary people, I wouldn’t use those as an argument for my identity, just as I don’t think my dating history constitutes an argument against it.
Or for something more comprehensive you can look to Robyn Ochs, editor of Bi Women Quarterly, who defines bisexuality as “the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.” Getting down to it, though, I imagine that if someone was to genuinely attempt to measure this in themselves or others, they might look towards relationship history – and that makes sense! Being bi (or any sexual or romantic identity, really) will very likely affect your relationships and what they look like, but this fact tends to be given a lot of weight when people’s identities are unfortunately scrutinised. Now, for some background, I’m a cisgender man who has identified as bisexual for over 10 years, including for all of my adult life. And if you were to go through my dating history, each partner in my long-term relationships, and even the majority of shorter-term partners, have been femme-presenting cis women. At the same time, being straight hasn’t even been a question for me in a long time. I don’t want this article to just be about telling you how bisexual people are valid regardless of the genders in their dating history. If you’re reading a magazine for or about queer people, I’m going to hope you’re already aware of that fact. But after we’re done talking about how that should be the case and how bisexual people should be able to identify themselves however they want to, what is it that makes me bi? I recently had an experience the kind of which I’ve definitely had before, but just infrequently enough to make me surprised when it comes back around again. Someone I know found out the very innocuous fact that I had recently kissed a woman – shocking, I know.
That’s not where my mind goes at all. When I think about actually trying to measure or explain my bi identity, the people I’ve been with, or someone I’ve kissed, or how that one person who drunkenly texted me sees me aren’t the most important part. Instead I think about how it just makes sense to me. When I think about myself, being bi is not just part of that self, but a prominent feature that affects every other part of me. When I go dancing with my friends, no matter the shapes I’m cutting, I’m doing it as a bisexual man. When I’m sitting at home reading, it’s a very bisexual kind of reading, even if the book isn’t queer at all. And you better believe that when I’m successfully parallel parking 8 out of 10 times, my jeans are almost definitely cuffed in the most bisexual way. Unless I’m wearing shorts. In which case I can assure you that they are also very bisexual. It’s not about anyone else. It’s about me and how I see myself. It’s about the feel.
By Mark Breen
How would you go about measuring bisexuality in yourself?
That’s a genuine question. If someone wanted you to do it, how would you start? Disregarding the fact that you may not be bisexual, let’s just go with this hypothetical for a moment. You could go the funny route and check if the jeans you’re wearing are cuffed, or maybe interrogate your (in)ability to sit in chairs correctly. I’ve even heard someone say that being able to parallel park has bisexual energy. So I’m happy to report that by that metric, I’m bisexual roughly 8 out of the 10 times that I try, as long as there’s no traffic behind me. Another avenue would be sizing yourself up against some definitions! In the last year, I was introduced to the idea of being bi as being “attracted to your own gender and others” which I think has a nice simplicity to it.
...AND I FEEL BI.
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