CHRISTIAN HOME FEATURE
by Jeannette Aerea Counseling Center, Pasadena
I j u s t c a n ’ t st a n d i t ! ” Toni reiterated, almost in tears. She and her husband, Joe, were discussing their problems with their minister. “ I can’t do a thing but what there’s something wrong with it. No matter what it is, you want it done differently. Just like the other day. I put the blanket down on the beach, and you wanted it moved. You moved it two feet to the right. Good heavens! It’s just too much.” “You make me so angry,” exclaimed Joe in protest. “Nobody can tell you anything.” “That not true. I often ask your advice. When I do, I accept it and am glad to get it, and you know it! What I hate is always being taught, advised, and told what to do when I neither feel the need for it or want it. You’re always telling me the obvious as though I haven’t a brain in my head. You’ve got to have your nose in everything. Why?” Joe was a salesman, dealing in saleswork that en tailed much advice and instruction. Toni, a teacher, was also habitually giving instructions and being “ the boss” in her work. She found it very difficult to come home and feel that she must fall into the role of follower rather than leader. She wanted their marriage to be on an “ equal-partnership” basis. Joe agreed in this and felt it was. However, he seemed to have a need to direct, change, and through implication, tear down his wife’s ideas. Although usually stated kindly, the implication was always there: “You can’t do it right. I can. I’m right, you’re wrong.” Later, talking with their minister privately, Toni told how she had prayed about this thing. She would surrender her resentful feelings time and again to God and gain release, but the next time a similar situation came up, she would have it to do all over again. She read and reread Ephesians 5:21-33 and I Peter 3:1. She particularly liked “ submitting yourselves one to an other in the fear of God.” She understood it as a mutual submission with the remainder of the chapter explain ing how it could be accomplished. She declared that if her husband would do as the Scripture commanded, he would respect her ideas and consider her wishes as im portant as his own; if he would be what he was sup posed to be, then she wouldn’t mind being under sub mission to him. But he wasn’t. She recognized, how ever, that she must obey God’s Word even though her husband didn’t. Through counseling, Toni came to recognize her own aggressiveness and truly desired to allow God to subdue it in this relationship, but her feelings kept getting in the way. Her husband was unable to see any reason for her attitude, and it upset him very much. His defenses were quite strong and he was unable to accept the possibility that he had feelings of inadequacy which contributed to the problem. He always found “ good rea sons” for his “helpfulness.” Battling this problem of unwillingness to allow her husband to be “ the head” through counselling and prayer^
she finally gained emotional acceptance of the idea. In addition to counseling and prayer, several steps led to this result. First, a friend shared with her, “ It’s easier that way.” She realized this must be true. If she could do it, it cer tainly would be easier. Second, when she felt inwardly submissive, as well as being so outwardly, she experienced a sense of victory and liberty, and a wonderful awareness of the presence of God. Third, she came to the realization that she had done precious little explicitly for the sake of her husband’s happiness, and she determined to change this. She de cided one way would be to get on the offensive to give him his way, not merely submit. Fourth, she heard a Christian speaker say, “By obed ience to people you obey God.” She fought this for a time but finally realized its Scriptural truth. “ Inasmuch as you have done it unto the least of these, you have done it unto Me.” Fifth, a realization that if she were to grow spiritually and “bear more fruit” she must gain victory in this area of her life. (John 15:2) Finally, one night she and her husband were sitting together in a meeting at a mountain retreat. The call was given for those to go forward who needed spiritual healing. She found herself not wanting her husband to go forward. If he did and received healing, she would lose the opportunity to gain victory, for the problem wouldn’t be there. She felt a bit guilty for her attitude, but she knew that if she would grow in grace she must be obedient to God and become submissive. That night she cried in desperation, “Oh, God, I can’t do it! What shall I do?” He gave her this answer. “ First of all, rec ognize that you’ve been trying to change your husband, the very thing you resented in him. Accept him as he is, as My will for you. Then, quit trying — merely be willing to be made willing (Heb. 4:9, 10). Next, go to your husband and apologize for "the resentment you feel over his bossiness, and ask him to continue in it for you want to grow in the Lord.” Toni then and there went to her husband, who was sitting outside the cabin enjoying the moonless, starlit night, and did as the Lord had told her. There were tears and healing as he held her close and they both felt the Lord’s blessing upon them. In sharing this with her counselor, Toni admitted that she might fall by the wayside at times, but feels final victory is close at hand (Heb. 7:25). She now has the proper mental and emotional set to allow the Holy Spirit to Work His purposes in her (Phil. 2:13). Joe said to the counselor, “You know, a very sweet thing happened the other night. My wife came to me and asked me to continue being just as I have been. I know I’m overly instructive. But the strangest thing, since she did this, I seem to have lost all desire to be the “ boss.”
JU LY, 1963
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