A University of Colorado Denver Student Publication
Cover by Haley Barrington
FORUM: 69-69
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Chloe Ragsdale chloe.ragsdale@ucdenver.edu Isabel Benneyworth isabel.benneyworth@ucdenver. edu Jackson Campbell jackson.campbell@ucdenver.edu Juju Read juliana.read@ucdenver.edu Jeremy Mare jeremy.mare@ucdenver.edu Mazie Neill mazie.neill@ucdenver.edu Omar Arevalo, Harriet Falconetti, Sienna Ferguson, Madelene Hernandez, Juniper Horton, Cymber Lebahn
MANAGING & FORUM EDITOR
VOLUME: 09 ISSUE: 17
NEWS EDITOR
NEWS: 69-69
ARTS & LEISURE EDITOR
SOUND EDITOR
ILLUSTRATION EDITOR
ARTS & LEISURE: 420-420
WRITERS
PHOTOGRAPHERS
Amaya Gill, Jacob Guerrero
ILLUSTRATORS
Haley Barrington, August Blackmer, Al Bowen, Maya Rae Taylor, Vivian Sprague, Julia Yamashita
SOUND: 69-69
PROGRAM COORDINATOR & ADVERTISER
JuJu Spray juju.spray@ucdenver.edu
FACULTY ADVISER
Teague Bohlen teague.bohlen@ucdenver.edu
BACKEND: 69
FOLLOW US ON INSTA @ CU_SENTRY
A MESSAGE FROM THE SENTRY 'S MR. SLEEP:
Greetings to you, FELLOW HUMANS. (FIRE EMOJI FOR ADDED EMPHASIS). Today you C an refer t o me as “Mr. Sleep.” It sounds about right for your human names, I think. Who doesn’t l ov e “sleep,” after all, especially with a sleep-ray g u n pri m ed for a bo arding ac t ion! To enter sleep is a blissful mercy on your wretc he d mortal coils. Reg a rd l ess, we have definite l y met before, methin k s— remember the pale light in the starless sky? That was me. My ship. Or, “car” is the right term. Just a n update f o r you. Recently I had the “car” taken in for “hemoclastic” “repairs” because the darn “engine” decided to go into anaphylactic shock, blasted thing. Isn’t it just the w orst when that happens? My mechan i c huma n g ave me an earful, he almost sounded terrified when he saw the “vehicle.” It co st me an earsfu l of cr e dits, which really unwo u nd my ti m e receiver. You get me, right human? I could b arely aff o rd the g al actic date l ine transmission on my mirror afterwards—and nearly missed watching my show on Mirrorvision TeleVide (MTV). By the way, that MTV episode was TOTALLY cray-crayzee, right? Mr. Candy should NOT have said that out loud to the other humans. It was way out of line for his station as a mere porazog operator. Don’t hate the player, hate the interspace caste system. Did he even realize they were in the same room? How embarrassing. I digress.
Let’s see, what else do humans get up to in these columns… Oh yes, some k ind of i n terpers o nal drama, right? Okay, let’s say that I have found mistrust in my superiors on the mothership (the w orkplace). I wanted to take a same of myceloid growth on a n earby moon and apparently it was highly toxic (not dissimilar to my “boss,” Zarzon, hahahahaha.) and lethal for rotary consumption (again, the Zarzon comparison is quite apt, hahahahaha.). Okay, now it’s time for the late-stage capitalism rant part of the column. There’s that foota g e from Omocron Nine. Slime field work- ers of Venus only get paid 67 c redits a s ol ar cycl e . We’ve all seen it. In case yo u didn’t see it, it’s ti m e you realize the price that’s paid to get the coolant for your Jingowatt and Spedoopper devices. Yuuup. Disposa b le O mocronians are used up each day wi th out e ven a c l one backup waiting for them at home. Beyond messed up. Anyways, fe l low humans, I thin k that’ll do for the update for today. I have got to “check the weather,” “walk the dog,” “eat the bru n ch,” and “ o rder the takeout” that you also must have as tasks, I imagine. This has been Mr. Sleep, via mirror communicator. I also must speak w ith th i s k n ower-of-thin g s human I picked up on my way out of this star system. He’s got a lot of intel that we can exploit on the mothership. Anyways, be seeing you.
Jackson Campbell News Editor
Isabel Benneyworth Managing Editor
Chole Ragsdale Editor-in-Chief
JuJu Read Leisure Editor
Jeremy Mare Sound Editor
Mazie Neill Illustration Editor
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8 DIFFERENT SPIDERS AND THE FEELINGS THEY AROUSE
Jeremy Mare | Sound Editor
Wolf Spider – Parenthood Do you ever feel a random overwhelming urge to move into a big house and start a family? This could just be a natural feeling, but the more likely scenario is that a wolf spider is somewhere nearby putting these thoughts and feelings into your head. Wolf spiders are universally known by ento - mologists to bring thoughts of parenthood and a desire for family to people, especially to residents of non-rural areas. Black Widow – Uninhibited Joy Contrary to popular belief, black widow spiders are your friend. Being in one’s presence brings the same feeling as waking up early because you’re in fifth grade and you’re so excited about your field trip to the zoo today. Brown Recluse Spider – Misanthropic Do you ever feel like no one understands you? Like you have a deep and solemn distrust of the world? Well, you may have a number of socialization issues, but it could end up being the brown recluse harshing your vibe. Jumping Spider – Fearlessness Jumping spiders bring an intense sense of fearlessness to all who surround themselves with them. The more the better. This Sentry writer once was able to chase off a black bear on a hike thanks to the courage bestowed by 12 jumping spiders in his pocket! American House Spider – Bitterness If you’re feeling bitter for a prolonged period of time, chanc - es are you’re in the presence of the American house spider. Steer clear of these guys, they only bring resentment to those around them. Cellar Spider – Good Vibes If you’re ever looking to just take it easy and hang out, seek out the cellar spider. These guys are great to hang out with. The vibes are always mellow but generally pleasant, though they can be pretty unreliable at times.
Orb Weaver Spider – Wonder Ever in the mood to ponder? To ruminate, perhaps? Well, it’s not really that you’re an introspective person, but rather, you’re hanging out with the orb weaver spider. These little guys bring a strange and an often somewhat existential wonder to their surroundings. It’s rumored that famed writer Oscar Wilde used to keep a jar of orb weavers under his bed! Sac Spider – Sadness Though sac spiders themselves are quite joyous, most peo - ple cannot help feeling a strange and complex sadness when in their presence. Entomologists have little information as to why this is, but American folklore claims that sac spiders take people’s hopes and dreams and carries them away in their sac, leaving them with only sadness
Illustration by: August Blackmere • The Sentry
HOW TO GET YOUR CELEB CRUSH TO NOTICE YOU
“Y/N DON”T MAKE ME GROWL AT YOU!”
Omar Arevalo | Writer
W anting to connect. Wanting to be seen. Wanting to simply just get a dang text back! Getting your celebrity crush to notice you requires a completely different formula than that of seeking the attention of a typical normie from class. Celebrities function differently in their line of work as their visual allure is always on full display, with all of their social media posts and headlines (that one may or may not admit to collecting in their secret Saved folder), which consequentially means that their personal secrets are like rare treasures that only a lucky few can hope to access. It may seem like a pure fantasythat a CU Denver college student drowning in unread school emails may have a real chance with someone so far from their reach, but stranger things happen every day! For starters, the first step to any great conquest is to take the risk with a simple greeting. 18th century poets had letters car - ried by pigeons, soldiers in the wars had telegrams and lockets, teenagers in the 2000’s had sore thumbs and emoticons, and this generation has Direct Messaging. When crafting the first DM, one must make sure to start out with a simple “Hi,” preferably followed by the smiley face emoji with the rosy cheeks. This will give off the impression of being approachable but not easily enter - tained. Once the conversation gets started, make sure to avoid asking any favors or personal questions. Keep the conversation on the most exciting facts about your pedestrian life, which will
make the celebrity see you as having the normal life that they so desperately crave. After the celebrity is hooked on your ordinary personality and words, the looks are the next step. Keep your features natural with products and outfits fitting into your normal price range, but still, make sure to look your best just in case one of your badly lit mirror selfies ends up on TMZ. The formula is as follows: comfortable amount of relatability, 24/7 availability for emotional support, and an almost psychotic level of precision. These are the three main ingredients to getting one’s celebrity crush to finally notice them once and for all. Once you hit the diamond jackpot with the first few dates, make certain that your requests for the paparazzi photo ops are confirmed, so that you can prove to them that you are not afraid of the more invasive parts of their lifestyle, all whilst getting great papz shots in the tabloids just in case this courtship doesn’t work out and you need a backup kickstarter for a brand deal or perhaps a newer, hotter, richer conquest in the near future. And if all else fails, make sure to remember their most intimate address, so you can camp outside their gates and then get your paparazzi shots while you’re being ‘escorted out in the back of a squad car. Your story inspiring hopeless lovers everywhere will be how you win! Happy scheming and romancing Lynxes!
SHOPLIFTING IS THE NEW SHOPPING!
“ALTERNATIVE CONSUMERIST PRACTICES”
Chole Raggy | Editor-in-Keef
C ollege is the lifeblood of diversity, harboring students from across the state, the country, and arguably even the world. We all live vastly different lives, but somehow find points of connection within this institution we call “higher education.” If there’s anything every college student can agree on (except maybe the So-Cal bitches up in Boulder), grocery shopping is an event not made for the weak. The skyrocketing economy, coupled with the rise of Big Brother and the overfunding of American police forces has made grocery shopping near impossible for the (below) average consumer we like to call “college students.” This article aims to answer the age-old ques - tion posed by the constraints of capitalism: how do we, broke college students, manage to survive in a world that hasn’t been made for us? Often referred to as “shoplifting” by the uneducated masses, alternative consumerist practices provide the means for college students to pursue the lives they’re truly meant to be living. Think of all the things college students could do if they saved the $20 put towards their mascara and instead used it for beer! There are many ways for college students to explore the realm of alternative consumerist practices: double-scanning, where you grab two items from your cart, stack them on top of each other, but only scan the least expensive one; pocket-filling, which is an obvious tactic best used for makeup products; and for the more advanced students, barcode switching, which, because of the increasing presence of Big Brother and government interest in student journalism, can’t be explained in detail here. It’s just as important as it is simple to carry out the practices of alternative consumerism, and it starts with the rewording of the term “shoplifting” to lessen the stigmatization of those who practice. Instead of demeaning and discriminating by referring to these people as “shoplifters,” the term “consumerist masterminds” should instead be adopted. So, college students, it’s time to unite! Stick it to the man and make Karl Marx proud by wearing your biggest coat into the grocery store—those pockets do much more good than just keeping your hands warm
FORUM 69
C lose your eyes and imagine that serene land you go to on a bad day to cope with the crippling weight of being alive. You would be lying if you said that space doesn’t look like the present-day 16th street mall: sweet, sweet industrial design with absolutely no foliage to be seen. One could assume that it would be the opposite, since we as a species (supposedly) descended from monkeys, so we would want nature as a default. As much as the agenda of some people argue that humans have an intrinsic need to be in places with a natural feel, this is just not the truth. We sat down with the architect of a new building in downtown Denver, One River North, to get the truth about this organic looking structure. MAD Architects initially planned the building to have a bland, drab center fixture that would feature hundreds of self-sustaining plants but decided to change direction at the last minute. “When we started, we assumed that people living in Denver wanted the green specta- cle that we wanted to provide,” a spokesperson for MAD states, “but we were evidently wrong. After polling seven tech bros who frequent the speakeasy bar I hang out at, it seems that the brutalistic look is really what Denverites desire.” In light of the information received from those seven people, the building CITIES NEED MORE CONCRETE CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OF Juju Reeeeeeeeeee(a)d | Leisure Editor
designer opted to keep the center portion plant-less, leaving the slabs of concrete bare. These architects have revolutionized the building process, pioneering for less greenery in a world that supports the op- posite. Inside information would show that even the 16th street mall project is dedi- cating the entire middle section that was going to be trees to concrete benches and tables, allowing for all to indulge in the joy of all concrete structures. People who live in more post-industrial cities such as New York show much higher happiness rates, locals known to even complain that Central Park exists. These awe-inspiring giants made of steel, grit, and modern ingenuity are the futures of our societies, providing the proper landscape for real, true happiness among those who reside in them. So, the next time you find yourself having a bad day, take a moment to stroll the lengths of the Business District or the Denver Tech Center to find some peace among the radi - ating grays of the city, reminding yourself that the urban landscape is only promised to get better and better with time
Illustration by: Haley Barrington • The Sentry
REVOKING THE STYLE GUIDE PERMANENTLY.
BURN THE AP STYLE GUIDE!!!!!!!
Unnamed Editor | (Dave Editor)
DAVE
T he Sentry has, for far too long, been sieged by annoying grammar and tedious edits on their documents. It really cost a fortune just to get an article out, because we pay for every single letter that gets printed on the page. Yes, even digital words cost millions of dollars each year because the letters are digitally published using a printing press app, which then is scanned letter by letter and shipped to the online issuu.com website. Crazy, right? Some say The Sentry does things the old fashioned way, but looking it up, one can find that every major newspaper does this. The letter-arranging position is potentially one of the most dangerous careers someone can have. So, in order to afford one more article, we here at The Sentry have decided to remove all grammar on future issues. This gives the Letter-arranger a blessed moment of relief before returning to the poisonous letter mines. Did you see the first breach of grammar? It was there as well. That’s right: first and second person perspective is back in the house for you , baby. Who needs an omnipotent narrator when you can just write about yourself. After all, who wouldn’t want to read the opinions of some dude? I’m fond of this change myself, as you can finally hear my inner mono - logue that will be attached as a recording to all future articles. It’ll be me, Dave Editor, disclosing my thoughts angrily and arguing with the writers on how foolish they are. Another massive change is that The Sentry is just going to be called “the sentry” with no italics or even capitalization. Capital letters cost a lot more because they’re bigger. Even the remaining capitals in this article are using up the remain - der of the capital letters fund. Up next, we have the sentry’s new date scheme: 2024, april, monday the 1st. If it wasn’t obvious, we’re just going to jumble up the order of dates, and return the use of super and sub-script letters, because smaller is more affordable. The next few issues will be written at this size. Speaking of dates; Style Guide retcon #3: effective apr. onest. That’s right, we’re getting dates shortened for literally no reason. In fact, we can save that poor letter-arranger some time by shrtening any wrd to b hlf as lng. Ths wll sve bdget. On top of all of that, we’re thinking. Really hard. In fact. Of just fragmenting. The sentences. Subjects/actions aren’t necessary. In order to read it. So yeah. You won’t really get it. When the sentence ends. In order to maximize the word count available to authors, we will now be sharing word counts at the sentry office. Each issue will have a maximum of 100 words total, which should raise profit margins by at least 250% (not “percent,” by the way). All of this is to say that cliches, on one hand, will be used more often, and on the other hand, will be used in even less legible spots. All in all, we think this is a great idea. In total, furthermore, and finally, we can rid ourselves of the old way of doing things established to us by those ancient old men in the Styl Gide
FORUM 69
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PAUL V. MAR
O n March 7, 2024, popular youtuber and guy-who-real- ly-needs-to-shave-his-beard Jake Paul announced that he will be fighting renowned heavyweight champion Mike Tyson this July. This news has
made headlines across the world and has boxing fans and newcomers alike ask- ing the same question — is there anyone Jake Paul won’t fight? And now, the answer is clearer than ever, as Paul has notably ignored several
callouts from CU Denver Chancellor Michelle Marks over the last month. Marks, age 55 (idk I be lying sometimes), has been adamant in her many attempts to get the contro- versial Paul brother in the
ring, from tweeting at him directly to holding multi- ple press conferences, to even spelling out the words “Check your Twitter” in hun- dred-dollar bills all across the Tivoli quad. “I can under- stand why he’s taken so long
ARKS
AN INSIDE SCOOP ON THE CELEBRITY BOXING MATCH OF THE CENTURY (We love you Michelle Marks this is just a joke haha heehee <3)
twenty minutes which is why it’s so expensive to print stuff on campus.” Although Paul himself is yet to respond, the callouts have caught global recognition from several notable parties. Mike Tyson briefly commented on the situation in a press conference of his own, saying that Marks would “abtholutely dethtroy that thon-of-a-bith.” This Sen- try reporter also tried to get the opinion of Paul’s brother Logan, but he wouldn’t answer the question unless I agreed to invest in his energy drink com- pany. In the case that Paul does accept the challenge, CU Denver has already been preparing for the logistics behind hosting the fight, and is planning to take another $100,000 out of the Auraria Library’s budget to con- struct a sixth floor of the Tivoli where the fight will take place
began a heated rant on the nuances of Paul’s past. “As an avid member of the Lo-Gang myself, I think Jake has been riding off of his brother’s hard- earned fame ever since vine ended. Logan has always been funny and clever and has lots of genuine moments that show him for the true creator he is and always has been, and I know for a fact he would have won the Mayweather fight if Floyd didn’t pay him to throw,” she says. “Jake, on the other hand, is
on that scuffle he had with Zayn from One Direction back in 2020.” At this point, both of Marks’ hands were balled into fists, her face was bright red, and steam was reportedly emerging from her ears as if she were a teapot of sorts. Paul, currently with a 9-1 boxing record prior to his fight with Tyson, would be the statis- tical favorite to win if put in the ring with Marks, whose record is either nonexistent or heavily safeguarded by the CU Denver media team. However, recent remarks made by Wellness Center staff members suggest that Marks has been brutally training for the potential fight for over three years. “She has a key to the building, and we’ll see her on the top floor for thirteen, maybe fourteen hours a day. No talking, no looking around, just mutilating a punching bag with a low-res pic of [Paul’s] face taped to it,” says an anonymous employee. “We usually have to replace the bag every couple of weeks, and we have to print out a new photo of Jake Paul every
Illustration courtesy of: The Sentry
to respond,” says Marks while posing outside her Bugatti. “If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll keep pretending he hasn’t noticed.” When asked why she had chosen to call out the content- creator-turned-boxer, Marks
just a spoiled brat. Ever since he broke up with Erika Costell back in 2018 he’s gotten into nothing but trouble. Breaking up Team 10, the Edfluence incident, his never-ending bouts of crypto scans, the constant allegations, and ooh, don’t get me started
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NEWS
JERRY SEINFELD: SENTRY GUEST COLUMN INSERT FUNNY BASS RIFF HERE Jerry Seinfeld | Writer I ’m just absolutely thrilled to be The Sentry’s guest of honor for their April digitally
future best and brightest jour- nalists spend all their time writing a feature length piece about the campus squirrels being overweight or what have you. To them, that stuff is like Watergate, the people just have to know!!! But what’s surprised me most about this whole expe- rience is that I really thought there would be a lot more paper involved in a school newspaper. I’m talking to the editors and they’re telling me they publish
and there’s no paper involved. That’s not a newspaper!
Illustration by: Vivian Sprague • The Sentry
Fools’ issue, but I really thought these student journalist types might have, you know, someone else in mind for a guest writer. “Oh, who should we get to write for our newspaper?” “Let’s get the Bee Movie guy in here, he probably knows a thing or two about journalism.” So here I am. And you know, it’s actually really interesting to see our nation’s
betrayal, and sugar.” It will be out on Netflix May 3rd, and don’t forget to stream my other shows Seinfeld, Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, and my Netflix specials 23 Hours to Kill and Jerry Before Seinfeld. Thank you very much to The Sentry for having me, and goodbye!
That’s just a news! This new era and their false advertising I’ll tell you. Back when I was young, paper used to mean something! Anyways, I took this guest writer gig to promote my direc- torial debut of “UNFROSTED,” where I bravely ask the question, “What’s the deal with Poptarts?” I like to say it’s “A tale of ambition,
AHEC TO REQUIRE MANDATORY CAMPUS TATTOOS THE NEW, CAMPUS-WIDE INITIATIVE AIMS TO INCREASE SCHOOL SPIRIT Cymber Lebahn | Writer
Over the summer, there will be a few outside walk-up dates where local tattoo apprentices will do the tattoos starting at $150 on a first-come, first-serve basis. The other option is to make an appointment at a local shop such as Viva La Raza Tattoo Club, Fortune Cookie Tattoo, or Dead Drift Tattoo. This will be the pricier option but will allow for more creative liberty if the individual chooses. CU Denver members are allowed multiple options for their tattoos: the classic CU logo, the phrase “CU in the city”, the skyline featured on the logo, or an in-depth portrait of Michelle Marks’ face. This is designed to show superiority to Metro and CCD.CU Denver wants to make sure everyone on campus knows that their institution costs the most and has the most pride!
failing to meet the requirement. Repeated failure to meet this requirement will lead to indefi - nite suspension or expulsion. Students and faculty will be required to get the logo tattooed on their arm, leg, neck, or even their face to maximize visibil- ity. Everyone is encouraged to show off their tattoo as much as possible. In fact, there will even be a campus-wide compe- tition in the fall (students only) to determine who has the best tattoo. The winner will receive a full-ride scholarship and reim- bursement of any past school related expenses. Students and faculty are encouraged to take some creative liberty with this mandate, while keeping the logo intact. Students and faculty have a few options to meet this require- ment before the fall semester.
B eginning in the Fall 2024 semester, the Auraria Campus will require all students and fac- ulty to have a tattoo with the Auraria campus logo on it. This is an effort to further campus security and boost campus spirit. The initiative is designed Photo by: Jacob Guerrero • The Sentry
to make sure individuals are as committed to the campus as the campus is to its community. The campus also wants to ensure that all its members are cool and edgy. The Auraria Campus Police Department will be checking for tattoos daily and escorting any individuals off campus for
Photos by: Jacob Guerrero • The Sentry
FEMINIST WIN! KING CENTER RENAMED “QUEEN CENTER” WOMEN’S HISTORY MONTH A HUGE SUCCESS ON CAMPUS Harriet Falconetti | Writer
O n Monday, Mar. 25, students returned from spring break to find Auraria Campus as they left it… except for one detail on the maps. One building, formerly known as the King Center, has a new name: the Queen Center. According to the Auraria Higher Education Cen - ter (AHEC), the name change was made in recognition of Women’s History Month. “Not many people know this, but 60% of the bulldozers that flattened the original neigh - borhood of Auraria in the 1970s were operated by women,” said Pearl Bosse, a representa- tive of AHEC. “Since the very beginning, Auraria Campus has had a rich history of female strength and leadership.” AHEC has eyed a change to the former King Center’s name for many years. The building’s original namesake, Kenneth Kendall King, was a real estate developer and philanthropist who died in 1992. While King was active in Denver for many years, he had no ties to Auraria Campus. The building’s new namesake is that of Quintessa
Quendall Queen, an engineer who graduated from MSU in 1983. Queen worked for the United States Department of Defense after graduation and was instrumental in the devel - opment of remotely operated drone technology. “Quintessa Queen is one of Auraria Campus’ most presti - gious alumns, but her legacy has sadly been forgotten,” said Bosse. “Her influence on the Air Force’s drone program can still be seen today. We hope that the new Queen Center name raises her profile and honors her achievements in transcontinental technological warfare.” The Queen Center was reopened in a formal ceremony on Mar. 22. Queen herself was slated to attend but was unfor- tunately preoccupied with business in the eastern Medi - terranean Sea. The ceremony included a ribbon-cutting and the unveiling of a new plaque engraved with Queen ’s face. Christine E. Wormuth, who has served as Secretary of the Army since 2021, was the keynote speaker of the
event. “I have had the plea - sure of personally knowing Quintessa Queen since Desert Storm in 1990,” said Wormuth. “She is one of the most amaz - ing women to ever grace the United States military. With - out her, we would have to fight our enemies in hot deserts and humid jungles, instead of from the comfort of an office building. I hope her plaque here can inspire all the women of Auraria Campus to join the military. God knows we need more female drone pilots!” For the time being, the
Queen Center will remain focused toward performing arts programs, although MSU has announced plans to intro - duce more STEM education to the building. According to a recently published plan from MSU’s administration, the theatres in the Queen Center will be repurposed into sim- ulation missile silos, giving students the opportunity to work in highly realistic mili - tary engineering scenarios. All performing arts programs will be relocated to the 7th Street parking garage by 2029
69 NEWS
BOTTOMLESS PIT OPENS UP ON TIVOLI QUAD WHAT DOES IT MEAN, WHERE DID IT COME FROM, AND WHAT SHOULD WE THROW IN THERE NEXT? Sienna Ferguson | Writer
I f you’re a student at Auraria campus, you probably already know about the pit that has opened up in front of the Tivoli Student Center. After careful consider - ation, the input of a small team of Geography/Urban Planning majors — and many sacrificed mechanical pencils—it has indeed been confirmed to be bottomless. At the head of this effort, student Abby Small recounts her first run-in with the pit. “I didn’t see it until it was nearly too late! I was walking back from class, and I almost fell in. Thank goodness my friend was there to pull me back just
in time — although, I’d proba- bly have a much more detailed account if she didn’t!” she said, as her nervous laugh petered out into something more seri- ous, a faraway look in her eyes. “Much more detailed.” Now that the pit has been there for a little over a week, safety railings and caution signs have been installed. One disgruntled Auraria security staff member has this to say: “As long as you don’t get too close, it doesn’t seem to pose any real concern.” He continues, “That being said, stop throwing stuff down there! I don’t care if it seems cool, or hip, or whatever, but that is dangerous.”
Despite the warnings from administration, many peo- ple have decided to take this opportunity to throw various trinkets, belongings, trash, or mementos into the pit, lin- ing up all around the block in order to do so. When this Sentry writer first arrived on the scene, they witnessed someone throw an entire mini-fridge down there. Multiple interviews were conducted with the lined-up crowd, although these students and professors have chosen to remain anonymous. ”I have my ex’s old stuff and thought this would be a good opportunity to get rid of it.” ”All my old scantrons. I
[censored] hated biology, man.” ”Honestly, I just never figured out where to recycle batteries.” This Sentry writer, after real - izing they’d accidentally made it to the front of the line, decided to throw in an old pen, and felt a dull but profound sense of loss immediately after. Whether the administration finds a way to solve this prob - lem, or the pit becomes a more permanent fixture at Auraria campus, there’s one question we all must ask ourselves: what else should we throw down there?
Illustration by: Maya Rae Taylor • The Sentry
BLUCIFER’S BAR DENVER INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT’S SECRETS REVEALED August Blackmer | Illustrator F or as long as it has existed, people from Colorado have
everyone else does daily. The creators strategically placed the speakeasy so it would blend into the usu- al commotion, therefore maintaining its identity. The Denver man somehow was able to pick up on the noises and follow them all the way to the entrance. No one has come out with an alleged discovery about DIA like this in the past, making this man’s partic- ular statement go viral. After Denver Interna -
believed that there is something that the Den- ver International Airport (DIA) is hiding. The huge structure and weird ener- gy create a sense of mys- tery that a lot of people don’t trust. Because of this, some have theorized about a secret bunker for the higher class, or per- haps even an alien-lizard civilization living under-
PHOTO COURTESEY OF YOUTUBE
neath the airport itself. However, a recent, accidental dis- covery of a speakeasy underneath DIA debunks these spec- ulations, yet also confirms that there was in fact something they were hiding. A couple of weeks back, a Denver man stumbled upon the speakeasy while waiting for his flight to Los Angeles: and came out with his discovery on Instagram. DIA ex- ecutives responded with a statement explaining what the man saw. According to this statement, what he came across was a speakeasy called Blucifer’s Bar. This speakeasy was named after the “devil horse” statue that guards— or maybe haunts— the airport. Blucifer’s Bar was originally created in the summer of 1998 as a place for pilots and flight attendants to unwind after a long day in the sky. However, Blucifer’s Bar lost most of its revenue in 2020 due to the pandemic and de- cided instead to welcome anyone who could find the doors. Despite no confirmation from DIA itself, the entrance is said to be accessed by an elevator somewhere within Concourse B. If you think back
tional Airport released their statement, the man gave a few key details about Blucifer’s Bar. According to this, there is a guestbook signed by every visitor when you first walk in the door. The guestbook currently has over twenty-thou - sand signatures from 1998 forward. The speakeasy contains a bar, an arcade, a full restaurant, and even its own smaller statue of Blucifer for photo-ops. Every celebrity who visits Blucifer’s Bar is required to take a picture with Blucifer, and they all hang on the wall behind the bar. Some celebrities that the man recalls seeing are Lady Gaga, Bryan Cranston, Madonna, and Shaquille O’Neal. He finished by reviewing the drinks available to order. The best drink to order is the “Bronco Ball Buster,’’; which is made with a special type of whiskey with a little bit of jet fuel. Blucifer’s Bar is a great new discovery for people who like to travel and party while simultaneously debunking all the crazy ideas that have been circulating about the Denver International Airport and what might be going on behind
the scenes. Despite all of the restaurants and bars available to the public throughout the upper part of DIA, Blu- cifer’s Bar’s individual- ity sets it apart. When a flight gets delayed or canceled, Blucifer’s Bar is the place to go, just so long as you can find it!
to your last visit to this airport, you may re- member hearing some muffled, loud music, and chatter coming from an unknown source. You probably just brushed it off as the common noise of the airport, as
PHOTO COURTESEY OF YOUTUBE
CU DENVER NOW OFFERING COLLEGE CREDIT FOR WATCHING VIDEO ESSAYS Jeremy Mare, Just ur average film major guy
PHOTO COURTESY OF UNSPLASH
I n a controversial announcement made on April 2nd, Mario Bowman, University of Colorado Denver’s Head of Programs and Accreditation announced that the university will now allow for “proof of viewership” of video essays from a pre-approved list of YouTube creators to count as credit hours towards anthropology, marketing, film, economics, and music degrees. The decision is a first-of-its- kind for any university, but Bowman believes that it will be the future of higher education and that many universities will eventually follow suit. “We strive to keep the university on the cutting edge of what education can be, and we think that this is the next
step in what education is going to be, and we’re very thrilled to be trailblazing it,” Bowman said in an interview with The Sentry. Bowman went on to share that the idea has been in the works for quite a while now and is his “brainchild” of sorts, claiming that though the idea certainly has its critics, he firmly believes that it will make a ripple effect in academia, changing the way higher education is thought of internationally. When pressed on whether this new option is going to make credit hours more affordable for students, Bowman stated “Obviously our number one goal is to always make classes and credit hours as affordable as they can be for students; however, there are quite a few administrative tasks associated with allowing students to use video essays for credit hours, and those will definitely have to be covered by tuition.” It is currently unclear what YouTubers will be listed on the university’s pre-approved list, or how the university plans to verify attentive viewership of the YouTube videos. Many worry that watching YouTube essays is not “rigorous enough” to be considered a valid credit experience for these degrees, or that YouTubers, who often have no formal credentials in what they’re sharing about, are not qualified to instruct degree-seeking students. “Much of education is experimentation,” Bowman said, “and that’s what this is, an experiment.”
Bowman shared that upon enrollment in a video essay course, students will receive a link to an unlisted YouTube playlist to access their course content. The courses will be good for one to three credit hours for one of the above specified degrees. It’s uncertain how this is going to affect students both incoming and current in the affected programs, but the new policy is currently slated to go into effect for the upcoming Fall 2024 semester.
PHOTO COURTESEY OF PIXABAY
ARTS & LEISURE 69
APRIL IS SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS MONTH
AURARIA CAMPUS! You are invited to learn more about sexual violence prevention through events, interactive workshops, and activism!
Friday, March 29th 8:30AM-12PM Tivoli Atrium Monday, April 1st 3PM-5PM Tavern Space
Clothesline Project Set-Up
Chalking for Survivors
Tuesday, April 2nd 5PM-7PM CU Denver Student Commons Building, Room 1500
Slam Poetry Night “Write The Change”
Wednesday, April 3rd & April 10th 3:30PM-6PM
Body Project Workshop
Monday, April 8th 11AM-12PM and 12:30PM-1:30PM CU Denver Wellness Center
Trauma-Informed Yoga for Survivors
Monday, April 15th 12:30PM-1:45PM CU Denver Wellness Center Thursday, April 11th 3PM-5:30PM North Classroom 1313
Disfluency Screening
#MeToo Workshop
Tuesday, April 16th 5PM-7PM Tivoli 305 Wednesday, April 17th 12PM Tivoli Quad
SLUT WALK Poster Making Party
SLUT WALK
Wednesday, April 24th 10AM-2PM Turnhalle 250 Monday, April 22nd 12:30PM-1:45PM Tivoli MultiCultural Lounge
Understanding Incel Culture
Consent Turns Me On (CTMO) Carnival
Friday, April 26th 8:30AM-11AM Tivoli Atrium
Clothesline Project Take Down
*ADVERTISEMENT EXEMPT FROM APRIL FOOL’S SATIRE
URSUS VERSUS THE ACADEMY Bearriet Falconetti | Writer BEAR MOVIES ROBBED AT THE OSCARS
2 023 was a great year for bears. Warm caves, plentiful berries, fat salmon—now that’s good livin’! 2023 was also a great year for bear movies, with the release of Cocaine Bear and Five Nights at Freddy’s . Anyone who saw Co- caine Bear will tell you that it was one of the most inspiring biopics of the 21st century, beautifully capturing the life of its namesake Pablo Escobear and her struggles with drug addiction. Meanwhile, Five Nights at Freddy’s explored the relationship between bear and machine, asking moviegoers if Freddy Fazbear could overcome his mechanical origins and become a real bear after all. I saw both of these movies multiple times (including their extended director’s cuts),
long history of ursophobia on the part of the Academy. For too long, bears have been maligned as vicious uncivilized beasts, unworthy of sympathy. It’s as though these film snobs have never seen masterpieces like Kung Fu Panda, Paddington , or Care Bears Movie II: a New Generation . Do none of these movies inspire courage in your heart and the strength to hope for a better tomorrow? Do you find your - self unable to relate to these modern epics of heroism and bravery merely because you do not share the same species with the main character? For shame, Academy. I’ll tell you as someone who has lived in the forest for ten years: bears are the sweetest and most intelligent animals on Earth, and the
and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t left sobbing on the floor every time. Unfor- tunately, the Picture Arts and Sciences doesn’t give a damn for art anymore. Those blood - sucking Hol- lywood elites thought they were so refined with their Oppen- heimers and their Poor Things , didn’t Academy of Motion
one time I was mauled, I only lost a few toes that I wasn’t using any- ways. Stop the use of these offensive and outdated bea- reotypes. We don’t need the Academy’s ap- proval to enjoy great bear cin- ema, anyways. 2024 looks like another bright year for Ursidae filmmaking. I look forward to Kung Fu Panda 4 and Winnie the
Pooh: Blood and Honey , which both promise to plumb the emotional highs and lows of the multifaceted life of a bear. I will always be a resolute human ally for bears, even in dark times such as these. As Yogi Bear said in 2010: “You have to fight for the thing you love, whether it’s a park, a girl or a roast beef sandwich! Don’t give up now! We’re all Jellystone’s got!” ILLUSTRATION BY JULES YAMASHITA • THE SENTRY
they? Those movies didn’t have bears. At least, I don’t think so. I didn’t see them. But they probably didn’t. They proba - bly didn’t even mention caves or salmon, I’ll tell you that. The point is, Cocaine Bear and Five Nights at Freddy’s had bears, but they weren’t even nominated for a single award! To my knowledge, the last bear movie to win an Oscar was Revenant in 2015, and the bear in that movie was the bad guy! This year’s bear snubbing is just another example of a
A CRITIQUE OF JUDITH BUTLER’S NEWEST RELEASE, WHO’S AFRAID OF GENDER?
Anonymous | Social Delinquent
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let’s shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can’t. I’ll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I’m excited. Here’s the graduate. We’re very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B’s. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That’s me! - Wave to us! We’ll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I’d make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I’m glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I’m not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don’t waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That’s why we don’t need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it’s just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it’ll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She’s my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we’re all cousins. - Right. You’re right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it’s done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you’ll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn’t know that. What’s the difference? You’ll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven’t had one day off in 27 million years. So you’ll just work us to death? We’ll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! “What’s the difference?” How can you say that? One job forever? That’s an insane choice to have to make. I’m relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We’re bees. We’re the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don’t know. But you know what I’m talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I’ve never seen them this close. They know what it’s like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don’t come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You’re monsters! You’re sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don’t know. Their day’s not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can’tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That’s more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It’s just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you’re wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren’t they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let’s have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I’d knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn’t it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We’re hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you’re not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We’re going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you’re interested in? - Well, there’s a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It’s a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn’t right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That’s a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son’s not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I’m not trying to be funny. You’re not funny! You’re going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You’re gonna be a stirrer? - No one’s listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I’m gonna get an ant tattoo! Let’s open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I’ll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody “dawg”! I’m so proud. - We’re starting work today! - Today’s the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them’s yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What’d you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What’s available? Restroom attendant’s open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you’re on. I’m sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey’s always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He’s dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That’s life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we’ve got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I’m going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You’re gonna die! You’re crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone’s feeling brave, there’s a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn’t that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck’s restricted. It’s OK, Lou. We’re gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy’s in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That’s awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let’s move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I’m out! I can’t believe I’m out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It’s got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It’s a little bit of magic. That’s amazing. Why do we do that? That’s pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I’m picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don’t we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You’re reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don’t know, but I’m loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It’s a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama’s little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don’t think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you’re about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There’s a bee in the car! - Do something! - I’m driving! - Hi, bee. - He’s back here! He’s going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don’t move, he won’t sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan’t fly in rain. Oan’t fly in rain. Oan’t fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don’t need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It’s fantastic. It’s got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What’s number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don’t go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn’t talk to them. They’re out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they’re flabbergasted, can’t believe what I say. There’s the sun. Maybe that’s a way out. I don’t remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don’t kill him! You know I’m allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I’m just saying all life has value. You don’t know what he’s capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I’m not scared of him. It’s an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It’s a bee law. You’re not supposed to talk to a human. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’ve got to. Oh, I can’t do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can’t. How should I start it? “You like jazz?” No, that’s no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I’m sorry. - You’re talking. - Yes, I know. You’re talking! I’m so sorry. No, it’s OK. It’s fine. I know I’m dreaming. But I don’t recall going to bed. Well, I’m sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you’re a bee! I am. And I’m not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn’t for you... I had to thank you. It’s just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I’m talking with a bee. - Yeah. I’m talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I’m grateful. I’ll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. “Mama, Dada, honey.” You pick it up. - That’s very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn’t laugh, we’d cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don’t know. I mean... I don’t know. Ooffee? I don’t want to put you out. It’s no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It’s just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don’t be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn’t. - Have some. - No, I can’t. - Oome on! I’m trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don’t help. You look great! I don’t know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He’s making the tie in the cab as they’re flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, “Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?” Is that a bee joke? That’s the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don’t know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can’t do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There’s my hive right there. See it? You’re in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I’m right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It’s like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I’ll try that. - You all right, ma’am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it’s no trouble. Sorry I couldn’t finish it. If I did, I’d be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I’ll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can’t possibly work. He’s all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can’t believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don’t. - How’d you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I’m glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your “experience.” Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I’m not attracted to spiders. I know it’s the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can’t get by that face. So who is she? She’s... human. No, no. That’s a bee law. You wouldn’t break a bee law. - Her name’s Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She’s so nice. And she’s a florist! Oh, no! You’re dating a human florist! We’re not dating. You’re flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin’ stripey! And that’s not what they eat. That’s what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It’s bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We’re us. There’s us and there’s them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There’s no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He’s in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It’s been three days! Why aren’t you working? I’ve got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You’re barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father’s talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I’m talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I’ll catch up. Don’t be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We’re still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn’t respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don’t listen! I’m not listening to this. Sorry, I’ve gotta go. - Where are you going? - I’m meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can’t decide? Bye. I just hope she’s Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that’s every florist’s dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I’ve got one. How come you don’t fly everywhere? It’s exhausting. Why don’t you run everywhere? It’s faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That’s insane! You don’t have that? We have Hivo, but it’s a disease. It’s a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It’s usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It’s a bug. He’s not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic ‘N’ Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You’ve really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I’ll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don’t have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it’s hard to make it! There’s heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It’s organic. - It’s our-ganic! It’s just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don’t know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You’ve taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it’s on sale?! I’m getting to the bottom of this. I’m getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I’ll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You’re busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you’ll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who’s your supplier? I don’t understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You’re too late! It’s ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they’re on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You’re not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I’m going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I’m going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It’s your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I’m Oarl Kasell. But don’t kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they’re getting it. I mean, that honey’s ours. - Bees hang tight. - We’re all jammed in. It’s a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you’re out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don’t want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood’s about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I’d catch y’all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it’s pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee’s got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That’s the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. “They make the honey, and we make the money”? Oh, my! What’s going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn’t last too long. Do you know you’re in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That’s a man in women’s clothes! That’s a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There’s hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That’s a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That’s a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He’s been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn’t stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it’s true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That’s a killer. There’s only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive’s only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I’m Bob Bumble. - And I’m Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we’ll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we’re talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, “I’m a kid from the hive. I can’t do this”? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I’m from, we’d never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It’s a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard ‘em. Bear Week next week! They’re scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She’s 81. Honey, her backhand’s a joke! I’m not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I’m helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go ‘cause we’re really busy working. But it’s our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you’re three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that’s had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit’s a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I’m done with the humans, they won’t be able to say, “Honey, I’m home,” without paying a royalty! It’s an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It’s pretty big, isn’t it? I can’t believe how many humans don’t work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What’s the matter? - I don’t know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn’t the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you’re representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you’re representing all the bees of the world? I’m kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we’re ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man’s divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn’t some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there’s no trickery here. I’m just an ordinary bee. Honey’s pretty important to me. It’s important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us ‘cause we’re the little guys! I’m hoping that, after this is all over, you’ll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he’d dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don’t imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn’t hear you. - No. - No. Because you don’t free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They’re very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How’d you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that’s enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you’ve never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven’t. No, you haven’t. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I’m feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That’s not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you’re devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that’s ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn’t. But is this what it’s come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don’t have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn’t a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn’t someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You’re all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury’s on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I’m a florist. Right. Well, here’s to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn’t think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn’t want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There’s a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you’re quite a tennis player. I’m not much for the game myself. The ball’s a little grabby. That’s where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn’t really a special skill. You think I don’t see what you’re doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That’s just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I’m going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I’ve just about had it with your little mind games. - What’s that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that’s a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can’t seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I’m wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I’ve got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You’re bluffing. - Am I? Surf’s up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don’t even like honey! I don’t eat it! We need to talk! He’s just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I’ve met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you’re one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I’m sorry about all that. I know it’s got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn’t overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he’s considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you’ve gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it’s gonna be all over. Don’t worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don’t like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I’ll ask you what I think we’d all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We’re friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I’ve seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn’t your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren’t your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You’re an illegitimate bee, aren’t you, Benson? He’s denouncing bees! Don’t y’all date your cousins? - Objection! - I’m going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don’t! It’s what he wants! Oh, I’m hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can’t treat them like equals! They’re striped savages! Stinging’s the only thing they know! It’s their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can’t feel my legs. What angel
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