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ILLETTE
GAZETTE
FEBRUARY 2018
WE ALL HAVE GIFTS TO SHARE WHAT’S YOUR LANGUAGE THE KEY TO LOVE IS LISTENING
A few years ago, my wife got an audiobook version of Gary Chapman’s classic work, “The 5 Love Languages,” for us to listen to in the car. With the subtitle “How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate,” I wasn’t sure if this purchase was Jennifer’s way of sending me a message. Needless to say, I listened attentively. To my surprise, I discovered I really enjoyed the book. Chapman’s take on the ways we give and receive affection is well worth any couple’s time. For the uninitiated, a person’s “love language” is the way they prefer to experience love. Chapman draws on his experience as a counselor to break down these preferences into five categories, or languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. While everyone enjoys each of these languages to an extent, individuals tend to have a favorite, or primary, language. The author contends that most problems in a relationship arise from a disconnect between the love languages we express and those our partners want to receive. With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, even those of us who have read “The 5 Love Languages” would do well to refresh our memories. You don’t have to read the full book to figure out your own language. Often, the ways we express love are also the ways we would like
There’s a deeper lesson to “Love Languages” than merely categorizing ourselves and our partners. By creating these umbrella languages, Chapman is drawing our attention to the many forms affection can take.
More importantly, he’s showing us the need to step out of our own shoes and to acknowledge that the way we express love isn’t always the way others wish to receive it. “The 5 Love Languages” is a valuable book because it starts a conversation between couples, one based on mutual respect and understanding. My primary language is physical touch, and I’ve always appreciated a hug or a pat on the shoulder. Jennifer is not as big on touch, but she understands and appreciates my need for it. Similarly, I do my best to keep up with the dishes, despite our full household. Though I wouldn’t consider sorting dirty silverware a romantic gesture, I know how much it means to her. Since our joint listening sessions in the car, Jennifer and I will often refer back to “The 5 Love Languages” in our conversations. It’s a great tool to help couples communicate what can often feel like complex topics. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend this book to any couple looking to keep that spark alight for many more Valentine’s Days to come. In fact, you can win a copy of “The 5 Love Languages.” Just visit our Facebook page (www.facebook.com/getgillettelaw/) and show us some “love” by “liking” our page, then comment on our post about the book by letting us know your love language. At the end of the month, one randomly selected winner will receive a free copy of “The 5 Love Languages.” “‘The 5 Love Languages’ is a valuable book because it starts a conversation between couples, one based on mutual respect and understanding.”
to receive it. We do unto others as we would have them do unto us. So, if you like to buy things for your loved ones, it’s likely that receiving gifts is your love language. Are you the kind of person who spends hours on a thank-you note, trying to find just the right words to capture the kindness you received? This is probably because you find words of affirmation powerful when they are given to you. My wife feels loved when I unload the dishwasher, so we agree that acts of service are her language.
N e x t D o o r Bu
–Brian Gillette
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QUESTIONS TO LOVE THE SECRET BEHIND THIS MODERN DATING TREND
A few years ago, the New York Times published a modern essay on love with the alluring title “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This.” The author, Mandy Len Catron, tells a tale of her date night with a near-stranger, in which the two decide to try a social experiment. The pair asked each other a series of 36 questions dreamed up by psychology professors 20 years earlier and end up falling in love. The NYT published these “36 Questions That Lead to Love” alongside the essay, and the phenomena took the dating world by storm. Want to try it yourself? Visit: 36questionsinlove.com
When Professor Arthur Aron and his co-researchers came up with the 36 questions, it was based on a simple premise: Mutual vulnerability builds trust. Thus, the mutual interrogation starts with surface-level stuff, “Would you like to be famous?” and gradually probes deeper, until you’re asked to share a personal problem with your date. Regardless of whether the end result can be called love, you are certain to know the other person far more intimately, and vice versa. This mutual dive into one another’s personal lives can be cathartic for some and nerve-wracking for others. With anyone, question zero should always be “Are you comfortable with doing this?” Make sure your date knows just how personal the list gets, don’t just spring it on them. It never hurts to show you’re sensitive to someone else’s feelings and privacy. Plus, if they know what they are committing to and are willing to share, it just goes to show this person is prepared to put their faith in you. That’s a powerful connection for a first date! Ultimately, there’s no science or magic behind the questions themselves. It’s the act of opening yourselves up to one another willingly that makes meaningful connections possible.
Today, you’ll find plenty of articles online debating and critiquing these 36 questions. They range from purely anecdotal stories of success and failure, to more intellectual, statistic-driven discussions. But one thing is clear: There’s no magic bullet for love. And yet the idea of these questions still entices many singles out there. Could there be something to the question approach?
COST OF MEDICATIONS TOO HIGH? BY MONICA OUTTEN, INTAKE SPECIALIST
In our line of work, one of the most common things we hear from clients is, “I can’t afford my medications, so I stopped taking them.” What if there was help? Would you be more likely to continue taking your medications? Did you know there is a free program that helps you get your medications at reduced costs? Did you know you can use it with or without having insurance (some restrictions apply)? Did you know it can be used at virtually every pharmacy? Did you know you can pay less than the cash price at the pharmacy when using a coupon or code from your phone or email? What is it, already? GoodRx! You can visit their website at goodrx.com or use their mobile app on your phone. You simply go to the website or app and enter your medication and zip code. This site will search for your medicine at your dosage and give you an option for the quantity (which your doctor wrote on your prescription). You can print the coupon, send it to yourself via email or text, or use the mobile app to give the code to the pharmacist. Plus, they offer other coupons for big discounts from the medication manufacturers. There are very helpful hints on their webpage to help you if there are problems at the pharmacy or if you were charged too much. The coupon must match the written prescription exactly. You will
want your doctor to give you your prescription with the option for the original and/or generic form of the medication you need. You should always print a new coupon or use the app each time you fill your prescription. The prices may change between refills. So, to be sure you are getting the best price, use a new coupon. ***Please note that some coupons have very specific restrictions. So you will need to review each coupon very carefully. ***
This little website can help you save on your medication costs. And remember, it is free!
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GIVE UP THE SEARCH FOR HAPPINESS
... AND LOOK FOR MEANING INSTEAD
How many books have you seen with the word “happiness” in the title? A lot, right? It’s such a popular topic because the pursuit, journey, and, ultimately, achievement of happiness is supposed to be the key to a fulfilling life. Happiness is the ultimate human condition; reaching it is our purpose and will bring us contentment. But before you pick up that guide to happiness, there’s some new data you need to pay attention to. Turns out, we’ve been focusing on the wrong goal. More and more research is supporting the benefit of pursuing a meaningful life over a happy one.
In the years since “Man’s Search for Meaning” was written, it seems we’ve forgotten a lot of its advice. The Centers for Disease Control found that 4 out of every 10 Americans do not have a satisfying life purpose, and yet, 60 percent of Americans say they are happy. What gives? It comes down to the pursuit of happiness versus pursuing meaning in life. It’s the difference between “I’m going to buy this dress because it will make me happy” and “I’m going to volunteer at a shelter because it will be meaningful.” Happiness involves satisfying an immediate need,
whereas finding meaning focuses on making choices that give us a sense of purpose. Even more telling, the Journal of Positive Psychology found that meaningful acts usually involve giving, but reaching happiness often means taking. Because of this, leading a meaningful life, while often more challenging, is also more satisfying.
Viktor Frankl could be called a leading expert on the topic. Frankl lived through the Holocaust in a concentration camp and saw firsthand how humans deal with unhappy circumstances. As a respected psychiatrist, his observations became the basis for his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning.” Frankl found that the people who stood the best chance of surviving the horrific experience were those who saw some sort
Is it possible that the pursuit of a meaningful life will lead us to happiness? Absolutely. Just don’t
of meaning in their lives, even under the bleakest circumstances. For Frankl, this meant providing therapy to others in the camp. As Frankl puts it, once a person finds meaning, they know the “why” of their existence, and they will be able to bear almost any “how.”
expect it to be an everlasting condition. Think of happiness the way psychologist Frank T. McAndrew does: “Recognizing that happiness exists — and that it’s a delightful visitor that never overstays its welcome — may help us appreciate it more when it arrives.”
LOVELY CHEESE FONDUE Planning a romantic evening at home? This fondue is sure to impress that special someone!
Ingredients
Directions
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¾ cup dry white wine
1. In a large bowl, whisk together wine and cornstarch.
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1 tablespoon cornstarch
2. Chop cheese slices into small, uniform pieces.
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1 (8-ounce) package sliced Swiss cheese
3. Rub clove of garlic all over the sides and bottom of a heavy-bottomed pot, then discard. 4. Heat wine mixture over medium-low heat in the pot until thick and bubbling. Add some cheese and slowly whisk. When nearly smooth, add more cheese and whisk gently. Repeat until all cheese is melted. If mixture seems too tight, add 1 tablespoon wine. 5. Season with salt and serve immediately. Keep pot on low heat to keep the fondue dippable.
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1 clove garlic
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Salt to taste
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Foods to dip (apple slices, bread cubes, roasted vegetables, etc.)
Monica Outten joined the team last month as our new intake specialist. She is a “football mom” and is looking forward to helping our clients execute a winning game plan!
Recipe inspired by PinchofYum.com.
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INSIDE This Issue
Give Up the Search for Happiness page 3 Lovely Cheese Fondue page 3 What Happened to February? page 4
Brian’s Love Language page 1
Fall in Love in 36 Questions page 2 Can’t Afford Your Medications? page 2
AND WHY IS THERE NO FULL MOON THIS MONTH? SO SHORT?
WHY IS FEBRUARY
If you were planning a romantic, moonlit stroll sometime this month, you’d better reschedule for March. But, on the bright side, if you’re terrified of werewolves, you can rest easy for the entire month of February. Every 20 years or so, because of its 28-day length, February lands between the zeniths of the lunar cycle. February passes without a full moon, while January and March get to double up. Astrologists call this event a “black moon,” and it’s happening this year for the first time since 1999. There’s a certain irony that comes with the full moon skipping the most romantic month of the year. In fact, a black moon February ensures that the new moon will always land right around Valentine’s Day. There’s no chance of even a waxing crescent for couples on that special night. But, how did this come to pass? February used to not exist at all. The calendar used by the ancient Romans would, at a glance, look very familiar to us. Its months had 30 and 31 days, and the year ended in December. But both January
and February were missing. This is because the Romans, as an agricultural society, didn’t feel the need to track winter months. The days and weeks between December and the spring equinox were just, well, nothing. Eventually, the calendar was updated to more accurately reflect the lunar cycle. January and February were added, and the year was extended to 355 days. At the time, people believed that even numbers were unlucky, and the Roman ruler of that era, King Pompilius, was hesitant to create any more even-numbered months. But, to get everything to add up to 355, he had to leave one month stuck with unlucky number 28. And the rest is history. Over the centuries, days were added here and there, the leap year was eventually instituted by Julius Caesar, and we came to the 365-day calendar we know today. But this year, as we let Valentine’s Day pass in the dark, think back to the legacy of King Pompilius and his one unlucky month.
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