T he Parisienne believes she is a role model. She can fill pages and pages of blogs and books of life advice. In fact, she loves to be asked her opinion. Of course, that makes sense, because she has already done everything. She’s seen it all. She already knows it all. Her specialities are art, cul- ture and politics. She nourishes herself in the same way she takes care of the radish- es on her balcony, with a lot of love. Hold- ing a watering can, she will tell you that the film that won the Golden Palm at the last Cannes Film Festival was a disaster, but she probably never even watched it. The Parisienne already knows what she has to think: the opposite of you, of course. The Parisienne is always late. Unlike you, she has important things to do, she’s a busy woman. She’ll never wear makeup on a date. Naturally, her inner beauty needs no artifice. On the other hand, she won’t hes- itate to wear lipstick to the bakery on Sun- day morning, because what if she runs in- to someone she knows? The Parisiene does not stop exist- ing the day she has a child. She does not give up her somewhat adolescent lifestyle, her nights out with friends, her parties, or her mornings-after feeling worse for wear. Indeed, she doesn’t give up anything, be- cause she also embraces her role as a mother. When it comes to driving, there’s on- ly one rule the Parisienne follows: may the best driver win. Sometimes she’ll cut off a male driver, for the sake of gender equality, to prove that she, too, has balls. She never wastes time looking for an actual parking spot. Instead, she leaves her car wherever she wants and acts like there’s valet parking, but feels persecuted whenev- er she gets a ticket. Whenever she gets pulled over, the Pa- risienne starts to cry, before even handing over her license and registration. Most of the time, the officer lets her go and is willing to overlook her misdemeanor. When the officer is a woman, however, tears are pointless. So the Parisienne resorts to shouting and ends up with a handful of points on her license. She curses her misfortune in having been caught by a woman, but feels no remorse for driving in the bus lane. She likes taking crafty detours and side roads to avoid traffic jams. Often she wastes more time than she saves, but it’s her way of feeling like she’s mastered the city.When she’s running late, she does her makeup in the car. A rearview mirror is still a mirror. The Parisienne doesn’t stop driving when her fuel light goes on. Instead she prefers to play her own form of Russian rou- lette: Will she make it, or won’t she?
WHAT YOU WON’T FIND IN HER CLOSET • Three-inch heels. Why live life halfway? • Logos. You are not a billboard. • Nylon, polyester, viscose and vinyl will make you sweaty, smelly and shiny. • Sweatpants. No man should ever see you in those. Except yo- ur gym teacher – and even then. Leggings are tolerated. • Blingy jeans with embroidery and holes in them. They belong to Bollywood. • Skimpy top. Because you’re not fifteen anymore. • A fake designer bag. Like fake breasts, you can’t fix your inse- curities through forgery.
ZLATNA PRAVILA • Ne plaši se starenja. Kako kaže stara poslovica: ne plaši se ničega osim samog straha. • Nađi svoj parfem pre tridesete. Koristi ga sledećih trideset godina. • Niko ne sme da ti vidi desni dok pričaš ili se smeješ. • Ako imaš samo jedan džemper, neka bude od kašmira. • Nosi crni grudnjak ispod bele ko- šulje, kao dve note na notnom pa- piru. • Uživati u kulturi je kao jesti svežu hranu; tenu daje izuzetan sjaj. • Budi svesna sopstvenih kvaliteta i mana. Neguj ih u osami, ali nemoj biti opsednuta. PARADOKSI • Pozdraviće svakog, ali ne želi da razgovara ni sa kim. • Jede picu sa četiri sira, ali stavlja steviju u kafu. • Kupuje izuzetno skupe cipele, ali ih nikad ne čisti imalinom. • Mnogo joj je stalo do pedikira, ali nosi neupareno rublje. • Puši kao Turčin dok odlazi u priro- du na malo svežeg vazduha. • Pije votku uveče, a zeleni čaj ujutru. gde god poželi i ponaša se kao da postoji čuvar, ali se oseća progonje- nom kad god dobije kaznu. Kad god je zaustavi saobraćajna policija, Parižanka se rasplače pre ne- go što preda vozačku i saobraćajnu dozvolu. U većini slučajeva policajac je pusti i spreman je da zažmuri na njeno ponašanje. Ako je, međutim, žena u pitanju, od suza nema vajde, te se Parižanka opredeljuje za viku i sve se završava sa nekoliko kazne- nih poena u dozvoli. Proklinje sud- binu što ju je zaustavila policajka, ali se nimalo ne kaje što je vozila žutom trakom. Voli da koristi prečice i zanimlji- ve zaobilaznice da bi izbegla sao- braćajnu gužvu. Često potroši više vremena nego što uštedi, ali tako ve- ruje da vlada gradom. Kada kasni, šminka se u automobilu. Retrovizor je ipak ogledalo. Parižanka ne prestaje da vozi automobil kada se upali lampica za gorivo. Umesto toga, radije igra svoju verziju ruskog ruleta: hoće li izdržati ili ne?
Kad god je zaustavi saobraćajna policija, Parižanka se
Whenever she gets pulled over, the Parisienne starts to cry, before even handing over her license and registration rasplače pre nego što preda vozačku i saobraćajnu dozvolu
PARADOXES • She says hello to everyone, but wants to talk to no one. • She eats a four-cheese pizza, but puts Stevia in her coffee. • She buys very expensive shoes, but never polishes them. • She goes to great lengths for a pedicure, but wears mi- smatched underwear. • She smokes like a chimney on the way to the countryside to get some fresh air. • She drinks vodka in the evening but green tea in the morning. GOLDEN RULES • Don’t be afraid of aging. As the old saying goes: don’t fear anything but fear itself. • Find your perfume before you turn thirty. Wear it for the next thirty years. • No one should ever see your gums when you talk or laugh. • If you have only one sweater, make it a cashmere one • Wear a black bra under your white blouse, like two notes on a sheet of music. • Enjoying the culture is like eating fresh food; it gives the complexion a great glow • Be aware of your qualities and your faults. Cultivate them in private but don’t obsess.
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