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The Struggle Between Grace and Space in Caregiving By Amy McVay Abbott
My son doesn't drive or own a car, so we Ubered almost everywhere in the city. While I was familiar with the Metro, Dad could not handle the long escalators with his precarious balance. The trip was exceedingly challenging, and I was exhausted when we returned. After our conversation about going to the park, I asked Dad, “You are not going to go horseback riding, are you?” A long pause from Dad, “Well, I guess not.” I cannot imagine how he could mount a horse in his present condition. I checked the park's rules, and there is no maximum rider age. Am I wrong to express this concern?
My 92-year-old father announced that he and his 86-year-old girlfriend, sporting a brand-new titanium knee, were going to a state park for a three-day visit this fall. “Dad,” I asked him, “how will you get your luggage from the gravel parking lot and up the steps to the state park inn?” He said, “We've already thought of that. We'll take small bags and put them on our walkers.” Dad, who had traveled all his adult life until the pandemic, couldn't see any problem with it. He sometimes can’t get up from a chair and has an unsteady gait like Frankenstein's monster. I could see a problem with it. My father is frail, forgetful and feisty. I have a lung disease that limits my mobility and travel. However, many baby boomers, born between 1946 and 1964, still have a living parent as they themselves struggle with aging issues. In 2019, I took Dad to visit our son, his elder grand- son, in Washington, D.C. I use oxygen therapy and have trouble walking a long distance; my portable compressor and cord weigh about 11 pounds.
Am I wrong to express this concern? Should our grace to him extend to something my brother and I feel is entirely unsafe for Dad?
This situation is a difficult balance because I question his judgment. I'm 25 years younger and I have to make daily choices because of my oxygen compressor. You can't go zip-lining over a canyon while wearing an oxygen compressor. How mad would I be if my adult son needed to point this out to me? So, we err on the side of grace and space, and then cross our fingers.
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NEXTAVENUE.ORG
NOVEMBER 2022
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