DUNCE OF THE MONTH
By AndrewAmundson
PUT THE FED TO BED
Happy 245th, America. What did we get you for your birthday? Well, everyone’s (least) favorite Amazon founder is primed to go all Life on Mars (or as my daughter calls him, “Jeffery Bagels ”), America’s formerly favorite TV dad – the pudding-poppin’, handsy octogenarian – is inexplicably free and we can count nearly 200 Americans shot over July 4th weekend (as fireworks take too much patience?). But in reality, these cases of indulgence and idiocy only directly affect a fraction of the populace. Meanwhile, there’s one heaving economic golem lurking behind the stage, pulling our Chinese-made purse strings as our financial fates hang in precarious balance. And its gross negligence and denial could spell doom for all Americans.
I’m speaking, naturally, of the Federal Reserve.
The world of money is forever shrouded in fancy language, so much so that us simple- minded laymen are often too eye-bleedingly bored to begin to grasp it. Instead of breaking through the density of the jargon, we should be grateful to have any currency. Akin to the high priests of centuries ago, the world’s financial wizards of today have the same sales pitch to the public that the clergy hocked: You don’t understand this shit . Only we’re literate enough to interpret the good word (or the CPI report) . And just as medieval Europeans requested indulgences (loans) and begged for forgiveness (debt) from the Vatican, we’re meant to believe that only bankers and economists
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July 2021
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