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ALLOWING A PENALTY In the semifinals of a prestige fourball tournament with a national field, three guys were in for par. As the fourth player lined up his 10-foot birdie putt, one of the opponents stood unusually close. The ball had barely left the putterface
KILLING THE MOOD We all find satisfaction in playing well, but what about satisfaction from others not playing well? Such a man is someone who I refuse to play golf with anymore because when he plays poorly – which is often for someone who is supposedly a 5-handicap – he kills the mood. He blames every mis-hit or mistake as a personal affront sent down by metaphysical forces. A natural raconteur, he becomes quiet and gives short responses after a few bogeys or a bad hole. No matter the venue, he will rip the course if his score is not to his liking. In our last round three years ago, he dubiously claimed “leaf rule” twice and complained that his caddie was giving him bad reads. Over beers after the round, he reconciled his bad day by proclaiming, “At least none of us played well.” Everyone but him had broken 75.
WATER BOTTLE TIME BOMB As you would expect, the PGA Tour caddies are professionals who are good at their job. On Thursday and Friday, they do all the little things right: where to stand, when to move, holding the flagstick so it doesn’t make a peep in the wind, and so forth. But then on the weekend, when you’re in a twoball with their guy, and it’s effectively a match because you’re battling over the same mid-place money, the caddie magically appears just in your periphery as you’re over a shot. The ultimate d!#k move is the water bottle time bomb. A cagey caddie will squeeze a mostly empty plastic bottle, stuff it in the bag, and then wait. The air expands until the bottle regains shape with a gentle, but certainly audible, “tick,” usually right in the middle of my downswing. It’s so subtle that you can’t call anyone out for it and look like a princess, but, man, this move drives me bonkers. – JOEL DAHMEN
when the opponent
sneered, “You forgot to move your coin back.” The putt went in.
STRESSING YOUR GROUP I’ve got two dear golf friends who always find themselves having to sprint like Usain Bolt to the first tee. It’s embarrassing. They are 30 years apart in age, so this isn’t a generational thing. Yes, things happen that have caused us all to make mad scrambles to the course, and, yes, these two almost always wind up making it “on time,” but it still puts the group in a tough spot. It’s rude to continually do that. There are enough first-tee jitters to deal with besides worrying if your fourth is going to even hit a ball off No 1. You get a dirty look from the starter. You wind up going back into the shop to pay for the person and get another dirty look in there. All the while your stress level rises when you should be having fun with your buddies. “On time” for golf means arriving at the course at least 10 to 15 minutes before your tee time, not 10 to 15 seconds.
Walking Off Early
We get it. When you’re playing bad, the car park never seems far. At a course near the former Golf Digest editorial offices, the routing crossed the car park after the sixth and 13th holes, and it was there that many staffers relegated their reputations with excuses like, “I did something to my wrist on that root back there; I’d better go get an X-ray,” or “Apparently our houseguests have arrived earlier than expected,” or even the honest, “This is too slow for me.” If you start a round, finish it. In competition, one person cutting out is a disruption that can affect the rest of the group. In casual golf, dull as your company likely is, you leaving ruins any fourball match and makes the foursome ahead feel even slower.
GOLF DIGEST SOUTH AFRICA 81
JUNE 2024
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