TRAIN OF THOUGHT
First Impressions How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative
by REESE CASSARD AND GARY M. ALMETER
IF A WOMAN is wearing Doc Martens, she’s liberal. IF A MAN is wearing Doc Martens, he’s conservative. If the man in Doc Martens has a buzzcut, he is very conservative. If someone’s wearing a golf polo anywhere but on a golf course, they are conservative. If someone’s wearing a barn jacket anywhere but in a barn, they are liberal. If they’re wearing a barn jacket in a barn, they are conservative. Unless the barn is filled with rescue dogs, then it’s anyone’s guess. If someone’s wearing Stan Smiths, they are liberal. If someone’s ever played tennis with Stan Smith, they are conservative. If a man lists his pronouns on social media, he is liberal. If he lists his pronouns on dating apps, he is conservative but wants you to think he’s liberal. If someone has erotic dreams about Anderson Cooper, they are human and shouldn’t look into it too much. If those erotic dreams also include Andy Cohen, Don Lemon, and the rest of CNN’s drunken New Year’s Eve crew, they are probably going through a lot and should maybe talk to a professional about it. If someone is still bemoaning cancel culture, they are conservative. Unless they’re bemoaning the cancellation of Broad City , then they’re liberal.
If someone saw Bruce Springsteen on Broadway, they are conservative but like to think they’re liberal. If they saw Bruce Springsteen play in New Jersey before he was “Bruce Springsteen,” they are liberal but like to think they’re conservative. If a guy drinks white wine, he’s liberal. If a girl drinks whiskey, she’s conservative. If someone can taste the difference between a Merlot from ’78 and a Merlot from ’98, they are conservative but have a son who dropped out of college to join Antifa.
If a guy wears baggy corduroy pants, he is liberal but his parents are conservative. If he wears slim-fit corduroy pants, he is conservative but his parents are liberal. If a woman is in the top 1 percent of Taylor Swift listeners on Spotify, she is liberal. If she is in the top 10-15 percent of Taylor Swift listeners on Spotify, she is conservative. If she got good seats to Taylor’s tour through Ticketmaster, she’s a bot.
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