Caregiving
When Someone You Care about Refuses Help By Debra Waring , PCOA Family Caregiver Support Program Coordinator
help with medications. The immediate response was “I don’t want a stranger in my house.” I then pointed out he was choosing the second option then which I would do the research. I would select three good places where he can live to have someone else cook the meals, and get his medications properly; and that he could choose which of the three places he wanted to live. This was a difficult choice for him, and some resistance was not easy for any of us. However, he was able to make choices for himself, within the boundary of him being safe. After two weeks of being in the assisted living place of his choosing, I spoke with him about how it was going. His comment to me was, “This is the best thing since sliced bread. The food is good, there is an exercise room I can use, and people are friendly.” Caregiving requires supporting independence, when possible, while also having boundaries for safety. It is hard sometimes to achieve both. Our family caregiver support team can offer support and problem-solving ideas for some of these challenges of how to keep folks independent while encouraging utilization of services. Call our intake folks and ask to connect with our Family Caregiver Support Program staff 520-790-7262.
It is important to identify perceptions and feelings about staying independent and barriers that might get in the way. An important gift to give someone you care about who might benefit from assistance, is to let them know how important their independence is and that you will support that in what ways are possible. Building trust and feeling supported is so important as challenges arise for older adults. If someone you care about feels you really do want to support their independence, they might be more likely to work with you in making that happen. Often, it is a matter of small steps. Instead of pointing out what they cannot do anymore (which might make them feel helpless and lowers their self-esteem), perhaps you can point out how assistance will keep them independent longer. An example might be losing weight because they are not cooking for themselves or eating well. One could suggest let’s try this home delivered meals program out for a month. If after a month you don’t like them, let’s try something else. Another help could be to express to them two or three options for getting the assistance they need and let them choose which one works best in their minds. This assumes they have the cognitive ability to make that choice. When my uncle did not realize he took three days’ worth of medications in one morning, it was no longer an option to not have help. I instructed him we had two options for him to choose from as I loved him too much for him to not be safe. He could choose the best option for him. Option 1: We hire help to come in and cook meals and
It can be frustrating when someone we care about has difficulty functioning independently yet refuses assistance. Although we cannot force this person in our lives to accept help, it is useful to understand the reasons behind resistance, and offer choices when possible. If we are going to have success keeping someone as independent as possible, which often requires help to do that, we would benefit asking ourselves a few questions. Here are some of the most common concerns expressed by those who don’t want help. Do any of these apply in your situation? • Is the person concerned about cost and being able to afford the help? • Do they truly believe they don’t have any needs and are doing “just fine thank you very much!” • Do they view assistance from an agency “welfare”, “charity” or “going on the dole”? • Perhaps they don’t want any stranger in their home or are fearful of possessions being stolen. • Relatives can feel the tasks I need done are the responsibility of my family and no one else. • Accepting assistance can feel like loss of control and independence. • Many folks are concerned about disclosure of finances, applications, interviews and being overwhelmed by it.
April 2022, Never Too Late | Page 11
Pima Council on Aging
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