EXPECTATIONS CRUSH It’s okay—important, even—to have high expectations for your child, but it’s tough to determine when you’ve gone too far. In Jennifer Wallace’s book Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-and What We Can Do About It , she shares results of countless interviews with parents, as well as her own struggles regarding how to maintain healthy expectations of excellence without crushing your kids. “When you live in a community of high achievers with strict definitions of success, when friends are com- peting for the same leadership positions, for the same teams, for the same acceptances to increasingly exclusive colleges, you grow up in an environment of outsized expectations,” she writes. The pressure to stand out, the pressure to fit in, the pressure to be the best in every- thing you do… it’s exhausting. Don’t hear what I’m not saying: You don’t need to make your kid quit the sport they love and let them drop out of school to play video games all day—there are many benefits to recreational activities and moving your body. You should consider, however, evaluating your expecta- tions and adjusting them where needed. REDEFINING SUCCESS Whether you’re conscious of it or not, the American dream is deeply saturated in all of us. After all, what parent doesn’t want their child to be “successful”? What parent wants their child to grow up and experience financial instability or a lack of happiness? So instinctively, you push your child to do more and be better. But here’s the kicker: Happiness and success are not one and the same. In a national study of parents in 2020, Wallace shares that 73 percent agreed that it’s a common conception that getting into a selective college is one of the most import- ant ingredients to later-life happiness. After all, it feels good to see your child do well. In the same survey, 83 percent of parents also agreed that their child’s academic success re- flected their parenting. No wonder you push for just a little more!
BY JULIANNA STEEN PHOTO BY KLEINPETER PHOTOGRAPHY 2025–26 COVER KID KATE N. Recognizing Anxiety in High-Achieving Kids
I was the child that never made a B from Kindergarten through grad school. I can still recall moments of pure panic after receiving a less-than-stellar grade, the deep-seated fear that I wouldn’t be perfect. Which is, in fact, a hilarious notion—because as Hannah Montana once so aptly put it, “No- body’s perfect… Everybody makes mistakes.” Nonetheless, this desire for perfection drove my every action, both academically and per- sonally, motivating me to achieve “success.” It wasn’t until my “perfect little plan” for my life went slightly awry that it truly began to sink in that I’m not in control and that this idea of reaching “perfection” is unattainable. Turns out, I’m not alone in this—today’s students are facing more pressure than ever. THE PRESSURE’S ON The thing about perfectionism is that the pressure stems not just from sources like parents and teachers, but from inside yourself. Sure, my parents encouraged me to study and do my best, but they weren’t harsh taskmasters, waiting to punish me when I messed up. I was the one to put the pressure on myself and berate myself endlessly for not doing enough, not being talented or smart enough, etc. Unfortunately, this internal pres- sure is only rising as factors like technology and social media come into play. In a study that analyzed long-term chang- es in perfectionism in college students be- tween 1989 and 2017, researchers found a 33
percent increase in the drive for perfection. This was “more than double the 10 percent increase seen in self-oriented perfectionism and the 16 percent rise in other-oriented perfectionism.” Across a similar timeline, we have watched the percentage of adolescents experiencing mental health issues skyrock- et—and it’s not a coincidence. WHY PERFECTIONISM IS HARMFUL The issue is, society condones, even encour- ages, perfectionism. Social media perpet- uates a “perfect image” with no room for error—only the best of the best “make it” in life (and into elite colleges), so kids must scramble for resumé-builders. I mean, have you seen these kids’ schedules these days? Between club sports, tutoring, school clubs, AP classes, and resumé-padding activities, they hardly have time to inhale food before jumping into the next thing. That in and of itself is an issue. Additionally, “Maladaptive perfectionism can lead to sleep problems, attention issues, procrastination, exhaustion, and poor mental health,” according to an article on Psycholo- gy Today . Chronic psychological stress puts physical strain on the body, and there’s no questioning the anxiety that comes with all that pressure to perform to the highest stan- dard. For many, the weight becomes unbear- able, leading to depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, self-harm, and more. Perfectionism can also lead to avoidance and isolation.
DISCOVERING SELF-WORTH OUTSIDE OF ACHIEVEMENTS
There’s this exhilarating high I’m always chas- ing, the feeling of being “the best.” But you know what? It doesn’t last, and it rarely feels as satisfying as I thought it would. I had an eight month gap in between undergrad and grad school, and let me tell you: It was one of the hardest seasons of my life. For the first time ever, I couldn’t claim the label “student”
30 MAY 2026 | BRPARENTS.COM
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