Vol 11. Edition 5
News from CannaTown
Page 9
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - It’s totally cool to have a secret crush. It shouldn’t be a hitchhiker you just met. Taurus - Go ahead. Microwave that fork. Because at this point, fudge it, ya know? Gemini - A brillo pad may not clean your broken heart, but it will help with the stinky gross compost pile in your bathtub. Cancer - With a name like comfort bay, you just know this 1-ply toilet paper is gonna be awesome. Leo - Ok, stay calm. You’ve made it this far in your life not knowing how to play pool, so just keep chalking this long stick thing. Virgo - What you mistook to be the charm- ing atulence of a nervous rst date turned out to be the shitty pants of a grown man genuinely scared of spiders.
Libra - You're not sure how 'future you' could be sending you postcards from Fiji, since future you is in Alaska. Scorpio - You shouldn’t let a person speak to you like that when you’re groveling in mud. Sagittarius - e lady said it was no problem to fetch you a teacup, but you’re wondering what she’s doing in your house. Capricorn - Ok, hopefully the world bears with ya, you’re a little late to the Skibidi party, but let’s just say, you love it. Aquarius - Your boss will get really mad at you for loudly sucking on all those lemons during the investors call. Pisces - You’ll know your smart speaker is lis- tening when you suddenly start seeing ads for knurled pistons from artisan bearded geishas.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
Leaders rush to invest billions in gold throne Commander Ralph Flushington of the Space Cadet Defense Command told the House Plumbing Services Committee that he envi- sions a Golden rone toilet system, the single greatest bath xture in history, to be built in the town square. To ensure e ectiveness against the strongest of dookies, three ushers must be built, interconnected, and tailored to defeat speci c “morning-a ers” from Taco Bell. e pooper will also be equipped with “ocean noises” and an “all purpose bidet” which will blast even the “toughest of Klingons.” Although the xture will be unparalleled and viewed as a crowning feat of opulence and functionality, its use will be completely unguarded by walls. “We spent so much on this elegant shitter that we really didn’t have enough for any privacy anymore,” said the leader. “So in essence, you’ll enjoy the most beautiful 'release' you’ve ever had -- a b.m. that rivals yoga or the happiest day of your life -- but it will be a grim, humiliating public spectacle that rivals your deepest shame."
Experts: Goobies coming up on your le, Pg B4
Stories in Today’s Other Sections Suburb removes ouride, aiming to make Ozempic smiles "great again" ................... E6 Southwest Airlines to install groin-punchers ................................................................... F2 Opinion: Wow, this a good Applebee's ........... F7 Gorilla kills 100 men ............................ G13
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