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TELL ME MORE THE ART OF ASKING AND TRULY HEARING
At Bruce Law Firm, we ask, and we listen.
We have found ourselves in many conversations where we listen more than speak. We can literally go through an entire conversation with a friend or colleague, and by the end of it, we know everything about them, and they know nothing about us. Ashley recently experienced this with a group of her friends. We learned all about them — their plans for the year, past travels, stories, their children, their parents, etc. — and after leaving their company, she realized she hadn’t shared anything about herself. Sure, she interjected here and there, adding bits and pieces, but nothing prompted curiosity or follow-up questions like, “Tell me more” or “Wow, that is interesting, explain.” Instead, when she finished speaking, the conversation returned to her friend with comments like “Me too, that happened to me,” and “I know all about that,” often derailed further by interruptions from the kids or a change of topic. While Ashley loves the friendship, she would have liked the chance to share more, but her friend missed the opportunity to ask and truly listen. Ashley’s dad has always told her people like to talk about themselves, so he says, “Ask questions about them!” In his working years, Spencer was a salesperson for Bell South Yellow Pages. (Yes, kids, before Google, there were print advertisements in a big book called the Yellow Pages!) In his day, he was one of the top salespeople in the Southeast, earning countless President’s Club awards. Indeed, Spencer could sell you your own wristwatch. When we asked how, in addition to hard work and continuous grinding, he was so successful, he said that one of his tricks was to ask the customer questions. “Ask them a million questions,” he says, “and you will discover what is important to them.” Such a simple thing to do, isn’t it? We know asking questions is just half the equation; the other necessary element in the formula is the art of listening. A great listener is curious, attentive, and empathic, but perhaps more importantly, they give the speaker their undivided attention. When conversing with someone, their words should not go in one ear and out the other. You should not just be waiting to talk. To truly listen means not interrupting, making eye contact,
Bruce Family Learning About the Intrepid During a Trip to NYC
hearing someone without judgment, and showing through nods and follow-up questions that you want to understand the other person. One of the best ways to show someone you hear them is to repeat, paraphrase, or summarize what you heard and your understanding of their meaning. At our law firm, we employ our ask-and-listen skills when they are really needed. During our initial consultations with potential clients, our consultation attorneys genuinely listen to understand where the person is coming from. The little details matter, and non-verbal cues are important. Our attorneys always ask questions to drill down on crucial points and find out details to piece together that person’s story. When helping our clients, it is not our place to share our own struggles or heartaches; instead, it is our job to ask and listen to the people who turn to us for help. This March is Listening Awareness Month, a perfect time to reflect on the importance of active listening and to improve our conversational skills with others. You can show someone they have your full attention by asking them thoughtful questions that prompt the speaker to open up and share more deeply. Questions like, “Tell me more,” “Can you explain,” “How did you do that,” or “How did you feel?” show you’re engaged and eager to understand them. This month, let’s practice these habits and remember that listening is one of the most valuable gifts we can offer to those around us. –Ashley and Christopher Bruce
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THE SALACIOUS STORY OF BALDASSARRE COSSA FROM PIRATE TO POPE
How Gray Rocking Can Help You Navigate Narcissistic Jabs DULL THE DRAMA Though spring is bursting with vibrant colors, if you are dealing with a narcissist in your relationship, it can be difficult to see anything with a rosy hue. Sometimes, it’s necessary to take on a different shade. Gray rocking is a simple yet effective technique to help you maintain your peace while navigating the rocky waters of a toxic relationship. Just as an uninteresting boulder can fade into the background, this method involves becoming as unemotional and non-reactive as possible, cutting off a person’s narcissistic supply. Let’s explore why gray rocking may help protect you from further conflict and abuse. WHAT IS GRAY ROCKING? Gray rocking is a method designed to cause a narcissist or relationship bully to lose interest in the target of their abuse or put-downs. When someone is trying to harm you emotionally, such as calling you names, gaslighting you, or putting you down in front of others, you should respond with the least amount of emotion possible. With gray rocking, you will stick to short, straightforward answers. Remain neutral and brief, and minimize your body language. Abusive people feed on submission and are looking for a reaction from you. SHOULD I GO GRAY? The gray rock method may be a good option for you if you are experiencing narcissism or toxic tactics from your partner. This is a short-term technique you can use to shield yourself from conflict. But you deserve a full range of colors in your life and the chance to express yourself freely. If your relationship drains you, makes you feel unsafe, or is causing you unhappiness, it may be time to leave. Gray rocking can help you get through arguments, but if you have to remain neutral and uninteresting all the time with your partner, it’s a sign that you need to reconsider the relationship. Gray rocking can be a helpful tool to protect your peace in the short term, but it’s not the solution to an unhealthy relationship. Remember, you deserve a life full of brightness, not the dullness of emotional survival tactics. Though you can tone down the sting of a narcissist’s jabs with this technique, you are worthy of a life where your true colors shine.
History is littered with unsavory souls forever scorned for their foul deeds. But few scoundrels reached greater depths of depravity than the ill-famed pirate Baldassarre Cossa (1370–1419), otherwise known as Pope John XXIII.
Following a notorious career of robbing and pillaging, Cossa manipulated his way to prominence in the Catholic Church, eventually reigning as Pope John XXIII from 1410 to 1415. An avid fan of indulgences of the flesh, he is said to have bedded hundreds of women — including nuns — during his controversial reign. Cossa’s one-man sinning spree eventually landed him in prison, yet remarkably, he was named Cardinal-Bishop of Tusculum shortly before passing away.
Cossa’s infamy makes it no surprise that he is now known as “Antipope” John XXIII. The name “Pope John XXIII” was retired for centuries before a man better suited to hold the moniker chose it and ran the Catholic Church from 1958 to 1963.
Is your friend or client married to a controlling, manipulative, narcissistic husband?
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LETTING GO OF EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE AFTER DIVORCE SPRING-CLEANING FOR THE SOUL
MAKE ROOM FOR NEW BEGINNINGS An actual clean-up of your new, independent space can make room for new possibilities and bring you more peace. If traces of your previous marriage still remain, like photos or mementos, remove any that trigger negative emotions for you, like guilt or anger. You can declutter in small increments, starting with just one drawer or room so you don’t feel overwhelmed. As you let go of items from the past, start filling your home with things that bring you joy, inspire you, or remind you of loved ones or happy memories. REBUILD YOUR FINANCIAL FOUNDATION There are many financial changes to navigate after a divorce, so this is an excellent opportunity to create your best budget yet. Look at your expenses, income, and spending or savings goals. You can use money management apps to help find ways to save money or reduce unnecessary spending, like those streaming services you’re no longer using. Consider working with a financial planner to get helpful insights into your current financial situation and strategies to get ahead.
This is the time of year when we throw open our windows, dust off the cobwebs, and clear the clutter. But spring-cleaning isn’t limited to your home — it’s also the perfect time to remove and let go of emotional baggage, especially after divorce. From working with a therapist to physically removing mementos of the relationship, it’s essential to free up space for growth, healing, and happiness. Whether it’s old hurts, resentment, or negative self-talk, spring’s season of renewal invites us to release what no longer serves us. CLEAR MENTAL CLUTTER Working with a professional is one of the best ways to help you sort through emotional or mental clutter in your mind after a divorce. A therapist can guide you through the complex emotions common after a breakup. Therapy gives you a safe and protected space to feel and say what you need and keeps you accountable for your new goals. You can start looking at any unhealthy routines or behaviors you want to change and discover what happiness looks like for you. Rekindle friendships or prioritize more social time with people who love, affirm, and support you.
Inspired by TheKitchn.com
No need to make a McDonald’s run for this refreshingly minty treat. Make your own St. Patrick’s Day Shamrock Shakes at home (They’re even better than Mickey D’s!) HOMEMADE SHAMROCK SHAKES
Ingredients Milkshake: •
1 pint vanilla ice cream
•
2/3 cup whole milk
Toppings: •
Whipped cream
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1/2 tsp peppermint extract
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Green sprinkles
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8 drops liquid or 4 drops gel green food coloring
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2 maraschino cherries
Directions 1.
Put 2 tall drinking glasses into the freezer to chill.
2.
Allow ice cream to slightly soften for 10–15 minutes.
3. In a blender, add milk, peppermint extract, green food coloring, and softened vanilla ice cream. 4. Blend on lowest setting and work up to medium speed for 1 minute or until smooth and pourable. 5. Pour evenly into frosted glasses, and top with garnish of your choice. Serve immediately.
The Ashleys at a Women’s Empowerment Event in Delray
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How Questions Can Change Conversations page 1
Plunder at the Pulpit
Protecting Your Peace in Toxic Relationships page 2
Clear the Path for New Beginnings
Homemade Shamrock Shakes page 3
How the DOL’s Final Rule Protects Retirement Investors page 4
A NEW ERA FOR ERISA THE FINAL RULE TRANSFORMS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FIDUCIARY
For more than 14 years, the U.S. Department of Labor has been trying to determine a new definition of a “fiduciary” under the Employee Retirement Income Security Act (ERISA). A fiduciary provides investment advice for a fee to employee benefit plans. Under ERISA, someone is a fiduciary if they have control over managing or using a plan’s assets, provide investment advice for a fee, and have responsibility for managing the plan. Since 1975, these discussions were only considered “investment advice” if they adhered to a five-part test. However, this past September, the Department of Labor released new regulations called the Final Rule that redefines what it means to be an investment advice fiduciary. With this recent change, the five-part test goes out the window. The Final Rule expands the definition of who can be considered a fiduciary. Someone is a fiduciary if they regularly provide investment recommendations and advice to retirement investors for a fee. That advice must be based on the investor’s needs and reflect expert judgment
that serves the investor’s best interests. They must also state that they are acting as a fiduciary when giving advice; however, if you’ve previously received one-time advice, that could now be considered fiduciary advice. That’s a lot of information to swallow, and by now, you’re probably wondering how this will affect the average person. In most cases, these changes will only affect those acting as fiduciary advisors and retirement investors, including participants, beneficiaries, IR owners (Ingersoll Rand Inc.), and anyone else involved with an ERISA plan. Through the Final Rule, you should receive better advice that puts your interests first, providing more transparency about recommendations and any fees involved. It should also create greater accountability for advisers, brokers, insurance agents, and anyone else acting as a fiduciary.
All in all, this is a great change for those who interact with fiduciaries. You can rest assured knowing the advice you receive will benefit you and your investments.
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