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Trophies For All By J.C. Duffy

Everybody likes to win. Nobody likes to lose. Our 12-year-old son, Troy, likes to participate. And apparently, he excels at it, because he has so many participation trophies that he needs an entire room to display them. The fact that that room used to be my walk-in closet has nothing to do with my thoughts on the subject, by the way. When I was Troy’s age, you got a trophy if youwon, and if you lost, you got nothing. Youwere an also-ran.That’s not the case these days. Call me old-school or call me cruel, but I believe kids should be allowed to lose. I think it builds character and teaches valuable lessons. I once single- handedly lost a baseball game when I failed to catch a fly ball becausemy pants fell down. To this day I wear both a belt and suspenders. Troy has participation trophies for swimming, chess, basketball, spelling bees, martial arts, science fairs, wrestling; you name it. He has one for curling. He even has one for Yahtzee. He has a trophy for yodeling, and his school doesn’t even have a yodeling program. He also has various certificates, medals, ribbons, plaques, patches, insignias, badges and an engraved rock (for mountain climbing). This doesn’t mean he’s necessarily good at any of these things. I once challenged him to a game of chess and when he set up his pieces they looked like a mob of random zombies about to attack. Troy recently came to me and said, “Dad, have you seen my latest trophy?” It was about 15 inches high and very heavy. It featured a gold-colored bucket on top of a silver-colored base, and carved into the front of the base was the word “Football.” Above that there was a removable label on which was printed, “Your name here.” “Congratulations, Son,” I said, though my heart wasn’t in it. “Why is it a bucket? Shouldn’t it be a football?” “I’m the water boy.” My wife and I disagree on this topic. She thinks kids deserve something tangible for their time, effort and enthusiasm, and that these awards build self-esteem, self-confidence, and instill a sense of accomplishment. So, I try to present a unified front to our son. “Do you spill much water?” “Not a drop!” “Atta boy!” We get the trophies engraved at Trophies “R” Us, one of several kids’ trophy shops at the mall. We have an account, and we also get a volume discount. One day when my wife brought back a newly engraved trophy I told her I thought the school was handing out trophies like candy. Her response was, “Ooh, great idea! Let’s fill this one with candy before we give it to Troy!” Our arguments on the subject aren’t very productive. I say winning

* There are no wrong answers. And yet, there are no right answers. When I got home fromwork todaymywife remindedme that we have to go to another Student Awards gala at the school auditorium tonight. As I put on my tuxedo in the laundry room (I really miss my walk-in closet), I thought back to my childhood humiliation in the outfield. Tonight I would reap the benefit of what I learned that day, supremely confident in my belt, my suspenders and my cummerbund. --- J.C. Duffy is a cartoonist and writer whose cartoons appear regularly in The New Yorker and other magazines. His books include collections of his syndicated newspaper comic strip, “The Fusco Brothers.” deserves a trophy and participating deserves a pat on the back; she says participating deserves a trophy and winning deserves a pony. I say trophies are now little more than party favors; she says this country was built on party favors. I say if every kid receives a prize for merely showing up, the truly exceptional kids are slighted; she says if they’re so damned exceptional they can stand a little slighting. I say there’s room for only a select few on the winners’ podium; she says expanding the size of winners’ podiums provides jobs. I say this sends a dangerous life message to kids, because not everyone is a winner outside the protected bubble of childhood; she says she once had a pet goldfish named Bubbles and begins sobbing quietly. I wonder if my wife ever got a trophy for being on the debate team. “Let me put it this way,” I once said, finally. “Do you believe my boss should give me a bonus every day just for showing up at work?” “No.” “Do you believe I should bring you flowers every night just for showing up in our marriage?” “Yes.” One day I asked Troy if he’d like to receive an award for something bigger than just participating. I meant like winning, for instance. He said sometimes he fantasized about snagging a trophy for team spirit, but he didn’t think that was a realistic goal. “Get real, Dad,” he added. I heard of one girl who won a trophy for improvement in bowling only because she started out intentionally throwing gutter balls. Why can’t our son have that kind of drive? This whole issue raises many philosophical questions. Does success always mean coming in first? Does failure always mean coming in last? Would you rather be the best loser or the worst winner? Is it better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven? What does it profit a 12-year-old to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does gravity get a trophy?

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