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No Longer Having Dinner with Loneliness By Robert Goldfarb
Most didn't call back. It quickly became evident they saw dinner tables as set for couples, not for odd numbers, and three was proving to be an especially odd number. I was now a single person, apparently half as important as I had been when married for nearly seventy years. Could I convince them it wasn't food I needed but conversation that had fled my silent home? Was there a way to enjoy food now that I was alone? Muriel and I subscribed to the New York Times recipe collection. I would begin cooking again, as I often had when Muriel and I dined at home.
When I lost my wife Muriel to a sudden and unexpected illness, loneliness claimed her side of our bed. The sharp edges of loneliness pierced me awake. Learning how to be alone but not lonely is a class that men of my generation never took. We went from our mothers to war to our wives and were rarely alone. My family knew that and surrounded me with love during the first weeks of our loss. Before long, loneliness sat opposite me at the dinner table. It sneered when reminding me with every bite that I was destined to eat most meals alone for the rest of my life. If I were to enjoy food again, I would have to show loneliness I was unavailable for dinner. Muriel and I had many friends, the closest of whom immediately called and invited me to dinner. I gratefully accepted. I began calling other friends deeper in our address book, assuming they would gladly meet me at a restaurant. Surprisingly, many said they were booked for weeks ahead and would have to call back.
I was now a single person, apparently half as important as I had been when married for nearly seventy years.
As the months become years since I lost Muriel, I find it easier to eat dinner alone.
I do go out to dinner two, sometimes three, evenings a week with the same close friends whose early invitations kept loneliness at bay. Does loneliness still come to my home? Yes, but now only for an occasional assault and knows it is not welcome at my dinner table.
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NEXTAVENUE.ORG
DECEMBER 2022
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