My Life, My Identity by Elliot Duvall
I was your typical tomboy. I never wanted to dress in girl clothes; I was always outside playing with the boys. I played all of the sports – basketball, softball, track and field, and volleyball. My family joked that I was the firstborn boy, even though I was the firstborn “girl” in our family of five kids. Life as a teenager was weird. I didn't fit in with the girls, and I didn't fit in with the boys. I just focused on school and playing sports because then I didn't have to worry about whom I was dating or not. As a young adult fresh out of high school, the pressure was immense to date, marry, and have children - even from my own family – it’s a Bible Belt thing. When did I recognize my true identity and how did that feel? For me, this is really two parts. I first came out as a lesbian at the age of 24, and that was terrifying. I lived in the Bible Belt in Arkansas: and lost all my friends and I lost all my southern family. I was kicked out of churches and schools and lost who I thought I was when I came out. Families in the community would see me walking to the store, and they would pull their children off to the side like I had some weird disease that everybody would catch. So I moved back north to Wisconsin with the other half of my family that supported me. I always felt that there was something else, that something that wasn't right. I had no name for it and I had no words for it. Eventually, with lots of therapy at the age of 32, I came out as transgender. I went from being pretty sad and depressed; not knowing if I would make it to my next birthday, to looking to my future and all that the world held for me. Everything changed when I finally had a name for how I had been feeling all these years. It finally fit like a glove, and I knew this was it. I knew that I was trans*, which felt terrifying and amazing, but my life finally started falling into place. What were the steps you took to be your true self? How did that make you feel at the time? The first step was to acknowledge that I was trans* and to accept who I was in my new identity. I was very privileged to be able to access an incredible therapist who helped me navigate those early days. The changes to my mental health were almost immediate. The second step was to schedule a visit to see my family in Arkansas. I knew in my heart, it would be the last time that I would safely be able to see my family. So I had a good visit - I mean not great, but a good visit. I shed a lot of tears on the way home, and then I wrote a letter to my parents and kept it with me for about two months. I called two of my sisters, and they were so excited and very happy. I called my mom and my stepdad, and they were also great. There was never any hesitation that I became their son and brother that day. They had a few questions but everything was asked with genuine concern and support. I told them my new name was Elliot, they’ve never called me anything but for the last 11 years. I called my grandma next because she was the family Talkbox. She would tell everybody for me if I told her, which worked out great. So once my immediate family knew, then I came out
socially, it was amazing! I had so many positive responses and more support than I could've ever imagined. I was terrified to come out because of how many people I had lost the first time. I did lose a few people along the way. However, the support and love from friends and family was incredible. I did hide my coming out socially from my dad, stepmom and my southern side of the family until I felt like I had enough support. And late one night, I dropped off that letter in the mailbox. About four days later, I received a text from my parents, pretty much stating that they received the letter and that they didn't know when or if they would be able to talk to me again. It was about five years until I saw my parents, and to be quite honest, it wasn’t by choice. We just happened to be at the same place at the same time, so we made the best of it. We have very little communication now, but I've made my peace with it. What is hormone therapy like? And what are the effects of it? Hormone therapy is absolutely fine for me. I take a shot once a week. My effects are my voice deepening, I am covered in a layer of fur as my family tells everyone, and I do have male pattern baldness going on (thanks to my mom's side of the family). And I'm just happy. Can you share a bit about your friends/family relationship before or after and during? As I said before, I lost friends along the way but gained so many more. As for my family down south, we don't really talk, just text during holidays and birthdays. With the current laws being passed everywhere in the states, I would probably never feel safe returning to visit family in Arkansas. My partner, my Canadian family and my Wisconsin family have always been amazing. I have never been treated as anything other than just me. And the biggest shout out to Christa, my partner. They have put up with all my firsts as I transitioned. My first facial hair, my
PRIDE Villager
Page 10 Issue 10 • Spring 2023
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